Sad - your h's anger at self and seeing himself as someone other than "your h". i don't even know what to think about it. i am with takesvows that at least he's communicating.
At least he acknowledges a different "guy" - more than my h can see or know about himself. i do not think my h even sees that he is trying to recreate the him of his college days.
do ya think it matter to them if you and i do not want this new guy? don't feel the same and never will for him.?? i think not.
i'm glad your air is lighter - you sound one tiny bit more committed to your course of extricating yourself. i hope it goes okay- the theory and the fact. it's hard & slow- aren't ya pretty sick of the plodding nature of this sitch? i sure am...
as usual here- i'm supposed to act like it's all not there. can this goober actually think i'm just going about my life "getting used to" what he says our life has to be? (well, assuming this is an "our life". he's out of his mind- but who knows, he never talks about it. i just have a few crazy giant pronouncements made in arguments to mull over in my mind- i know- let them flow out the other ear- he probably has no idea what he has ever said to me. usually things i carry in my craw for years - becasue they hurt- he has no idea he ever uttered.
he left yesterday- aside from sick - & one bit worried about my mother's sitch (tho sister taking over for moment so i'm lettting her and having a day off) i'm just angry mostly. he's called several times this morning- i haven't answered phone. i know if i pick up - i'll say something ratty like "if you want to know what's going on with me- you should "be in my life" & be here. you want "less of me in your life" - you got it - your choice- don't grill me and expect me to want to share my thoughts and life with you.
real diplomatic huh? so i haven't picked up. feel on too dangerous ground. think also he's probably wanting to chat and touch base and make sure (what?) i'm still here so he can tra la up to see ow this weekend. (just called for about 4th time- he never bothers that much - probably is off on a "trip". he can f'ing wonder what's going on here-
i don't know for sure- i don't want to (know) - but since he's made me suspicious, he gets the anger and suspicion whether he's guilty or not. oh well-oops... if i don't hear from him all weekend i'll know for sure- it never changes does it?
the being apart is a killer- BUT he's not particularly bad when he's around, just no "connect" or affection - but not bad company. (i hate knowing - always- that she's between us and the recipient of the affection & fun- a giant bug inmy craw) it sends mixed messages and is not good i think - at the end of the day. it confuses the hell out of me- sometimes i'd even rather some anger or ONE DARN THING real and honest instead of all this fake nice crap. what the heck is it anyway???
maybe you guys are rite and if he just stayed gone and away - and out of contact - i'd adjust and it would seep away to "over" for real. honestly wonder if that would please him or not-? who will ever know?
anyway- glad you're here- easier to find rite here in mlc- woo hoo huh?
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It's been 1.5 yrs since we have felt the realness of it all, but as people say he's been "checking out" way before that.
been 1.5 yr for me (also) since found out awful TRUTH about h. HOW MANY years before that? i'm thinking since year my sister died (08) and he went & began ea - barf barf... soooo- do i feel like the biggest fool in the universe? maybe -. SOOOO - TO ME TODAY IT FEELS LIKE ABOUT 50 years or so - in heavy shoes, on hot soft sand - with no water & a bad hairdo & no hat! how bout you???
i don't know if my h has "seen" any change in me- he is obvlivious to anyone but himself and apparently ow.
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The hatred he has for himself is so strong that he gives "that guy I married" a whole different identity. He has forbidden his brothers and mom from coming to our house, I think because they represent "my'' H.
back before finding out- i can remember my h not wanting me to be part of his relationsihps with his dad, family, etc.- people I HAD to go visit with- they expect it- we've all been "family" for 35 years. he's not so much like that now- i don't honestly think he consciously is aware of what a stinking rat he's been for how long. isn't that pitiful- he doesn't even have any self-reproach because he isn't even aware of causing me pain or not- it's all about him.
maybe i still make excuses for him- ignorance . maybe he knew full well every time he caused pain and said - ha, suck it up baby!! i'm getting jerky now- but at least i'm making myself laugh.
maybe your husband's anger at himself - part of which he keeps saying is that "you deserve better than him" is at least something - that he knows you're human, caring, deserving of better????
i'm outta here- bad attitude today- need to paint something pretty- going to go get creative and perk the heck up. i could be old and sick and my mom- so yay for relative good health- sanity- heat in my house- a sunny work room- a handfull of good friends, and so on -
