Wow. He's about 20 years ahead compared with my emotional awareness at that age. It's great that he talks to you like that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yes, I shake my head sometimes that even tho the marriage crumbled, the kids have turned out strong. We've had lots of interaction with the mental health community due to S20s diagnosis and have always made use of those resources when needed. I have no excuse for not seeking treatment earlier
Yes, we are able to talk but I had to change from the person trying to get them to talk and then giving them solutions to a "support structure" always in the background but there to listen without judgment when the need arises, allowing them to work out their solutions.
It's interesting that the breakup of my marriage has improved all my R.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes, I shake my head sometimes that even tho the marriage crumbled, the kids have turned out strong. We've had lots of interaction with the mental health community due to S20s diagnosis and have always made use of those resources when needed. I have no excuse for not seeking treatment earlier
Yes, we are able to talk but I had to change from the person trying to get them to talk and then giving them solutions to a "support structure" always in the background but there to listen without judgment when the need arises, allowing them to work out their solutions.
It's interesting that the breakup of my marriage has improved all my R.
I think from our cross posts on each other's threads, we have a lot in common personality wise. Though I am a newbie, and still struggle to make those changes everyday, I am seeing my Rs improve with my kids and my friends. I try to listen a little harder and not judge so quickly.
I am becoming more and more of a believer in everything happens for a reason. Sure we cold have maybe saved our marriages a long time ago if we had done things differently. But the opportunity for introspection and growth would not have been forced to occur I think. And that is a gift too.
I'm glad sharing my story is helpful It helps me, too.
TG, I've thought about your question and the best I can do is repeat the old saw "give them roots and wings."
When they were young they had lots of freedom; we had a certain structure to our daily lives and there were boundaries but they made many decisions. When they were young, between the ages of 6 and 12 we lived on an acre in the middle of about 20 acres of undeveloped land. They and their big, protective dog had a lot of roaming room and I think they gained a lot of skills during that time. They also had a lot of time/space to work on things that were important to them. They did outside activities but only those that they expressed a real interest in.
I was much less controlling with them during that time but as external pressures made other areas of my life out of control, I became more controlling at home and with them. (However, I did go along with S23's dressing in black phase and even bought him a pair of knee high black boots and pants with chains. I felt that the bigger deal I made of it, the bigger deal it would become for him. He got over that in about a year.)Of course, this coincided with the crazy pre-teen/teen years when it's their job to test limits.
Eventually with the help of my IC, I settled back into a let-them-go stance and it's made a great change in our Rs. They are living their lives, I have no business in it unless they invite me. I can listen and be supportive. Their problems are their problems, I have to remind myself of this often.
So I guess for me, it's pretty basic, letting go, roots and wings, allowing my sons to be who they are. For a while, too long, I was trapped in that "my kids are a reflection of me as a parent" BS.
That's destructive, kill that monster!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So we made it to the Grand Canyon after Christmas and it was/is beautiful in the snow. And yes, there was snow-a-plenty!
It turned out to be just S23 and I, as S20 decided not to go. He's still having some problems with the depression that reared it's ugly head at T-giving time so I phoned H to fill him in on the change in plans. I didn't want S to be alone for 4 days right after Christmas.
S23 and I had a great drive up until we got near Flagstaff when it started snowing a bit, the closer we got to Flag, the more it snowed. But the intrepid (maybe stupid) travelers forged ahead. The interstate wasn't too bad but the snow was accumulating and when we exited for the road to the Canyon, it was dicey. Snowing heavily and already about 4-5 inches accumulated off the road and as it got later and colder, it was covering the road surface.
But, we decided to give it a try. By this time we could only travel about 30 mph and the snowfall was increasing and it was getting dark so after about 15-20 miles of this we decided to turn around and find a motel to spend the night.
When we found one, it was dark and as I turned in the snow-covered drive to the parking lot, I noticed a Kia with it's flashers on on a small rise in the driveway. Thinking I could get around it, I kept going but couldn't so backed up and, you guessed it, got stuck. I have AAA so got out of the car to go and get a room and call for help. As I did so the guy who owned the Kia came out and apologized for getting stuck and blocking me. We had a laugh about the situation and he went to his car.
While I was calling for assistance, Kia guy, my son and 2 other guys were able to push the Kia, my car and another that had gotten stuck to safety.
So the car was good and we had a warm, dry place to sleep.
The next morning we got up to some snowfall and partly cloudy skies. We headed for a good breakfast and talked about a plan for the day. We settled on trying to make it to the Canyon but if the weather turned bad or the road was not cleared we would turn around and either spend another night in Williams or head back to Flag and see a movie, go bowling, something.
As is turned out the road was clear the weather cleared and we made the last leg of the trip without a hitch. We had a wonderful time walking, taking pictures, sitting by the fire, eating and being together. We missed S20 but we still had fun.
I tell this long story because the person I am now is so different from 3 years ago. I would have been pi$$ed at the weather and obsessed on the fact that I had to spend an extra amt of cash for a room when I already had a room at the lodge at the Canyon. Really, I would have obsessed for days on the money issue.
I would have probably made some stupid remark to Kia guy about his driving skills and continued to spread my bad mood to anyone I came in contact with. Instead, I greeted him with some humor and he helped us out. We made the best of a bad situation.
I would have been angry, livid that the plans I made weren't going exactly as I had intended. S20 didn't come along, we might not have been able to get to the Canyon, I would have had to spend more money yadda, yadda, yadda.
Instead, and I hate to sound trite, but we turned lemons into lemonade and it took no more than a change in my attitude. That's been a long time in coming but I'm finally getting it. I now realize that I have control of me, not the weather, not other drivers, not my son, just me and I can decide to have a good time or a terrible time.
S23 let me know many times how much he enjoyed the trip, the snow (he's a desert rat), helping push cars out of the snow, the Canyon, the food, even the hours long game of War we played one evening. As we were talking about the adventure one evening I realized that this is a parable on life. I have a plan but sometimes things happen and it's my job to make the best of those hurdles that are placed before me, not to immediately see them as roadblocks and that the Universe is conspiring against me personally.
It's just life and we each have a choice in how we approach it.
And now I know that I have the ability, the strength, the depth of character to create the life I want, not play the victim and rail against what others, or life in general, have done to me.
It is a gift.
And if I can change, anyone can.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
