This says that even with fixing the two things above, he probably would have left. That's a pretty low mind set for him to be in. A little scary. I wouldn't want my H coming back around after that. Sounds like he wants to be a college boy again. _________________________
Yup, he was/ is still done. He is not sure who he is I think and what he wants. It took a lot of guts to say that statement and I admire him. It tells me that he has to work this out himself in all aspects of his life. The best gift he actually gave me was to leave, because it forced me to look long and hard at my own behaviour and my own life. He hasn't done that yet and if he ever will, who knows?
Yes. Do not change plans for H or text him even though I want to.....initiated emails have been him, but am warm and fun when I reply
You're doing great but it's sometimes easy to get side-tracked into taking our S's inventory. It's a 12-step term but it simply means, listing someone else's faults and trying to help them see the error in their ways. We want to fix them and then OUR lives will be better.
It's an attempt to control and fix to allay our discomfort.
But it takes the focus off our work.
Keep on keeping on.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
For me, the persona of not giving a sh&t and doing everything myself and pretending that nothing bothered me was one I built over years. It's taking some hard work on my part to say I care.
That's awesome Ruby! That is some serious growth right there!
Ruby, I'm impressed with your insights and attitude. Yes, keep going.
Also, I agree your H just wanted to mention something as the reason for his leaving (the sex and the clean house?) They sound as excuses. It's like my H saying he left bc I went to bed at 10:30 PM. There's always a deeper, more complex reason in the background. So don't worry too much about that, but listen anyway. At least you know some of the things that matter to him.
Yes. Do not change plans for H or text him even though I want to.....initiated emails have been him, but am warm and fun when I reply
You're doing great but it's sometimes easy to get side-tracked into taking our S's inventory. It's a 12-step term but it simply means, listing someone else's faults and trying to help them see the error in their ways. We want to fix them and then OUR lives will be better.
It's an attempt to control and fix to allay our discomfort.
But it takes the focus off our work.
Keep on keeping on.
I agree. Actually we have these huge long text convos. He is still trying to have me find someone else....sheesh. Not sure if it is "stop loving me don't love you" or "I would feel less guilty" or " if you find someone else, I was right, you don't love me".
Mind reading would be nice lol!
Anyway in my journal:
Belly button pierced- check...ow
Coffee with D and H. Was upbeat and fun, talked about D when she left and how she didn't want to see therapist, doesn't like to talk to strangers. Therapist said don't force her, and just gave me a few tips for home. Therapist also said that I had done all the work while she was away (. 6 weeks) and that is was my choice to stay in therapy...
I said I would like to continue to work on myself, because I had a ways to go yet in areas like how I manage my feelings when I am down, what are my rewards...I realized I had none lol...just punishing others for my feelings.
Told H about piercing, etc. mentioned that about ten of my friends were coming for dinner tomorrow to see a singer at SIL bar. He was going to go but then declined, because he feels uncomfortable.
I said okay, have great weekend. Then I said " double kiss ciao" He said, lets stick to hugging for now. Of course I focus on the for now lol. I said cheek kisses... Anyways, after a bit of banter I get this after inviting him to a show at his sisters bar next week, I am working, so it was just an offer to come and listen...
Thanks for the invite. But as I said I'm not feeling a good vibe and emotionally I am the equivalent of menopause and your period rolled into one. I have to work through a few things. One is letting go of everything I once had. The other is doing that with a smile. Lol
My reply:
Can't help you with that journey that is something you will have to walk yourself. But I offer my friendship and a piece of solid ground should you find yourself sinking. Should you ever find yourself in a place that is too dark to bear, just look beside you.
And no reply to that. At this point I have some strength and peace I can lend without expectation. I am really beginning to wonder if friends are what we are and not H and W? Am I so different already?
I am not ready to find someone else, I have work yet to do, but it doesn't kill me that he has. Maybe it will if he finds someone serious. I am not sure.
This place is a little weird, and maybe I am trying to control the situation by offering friendship? I don't know, because before I would have tried to convince him To come out anyway and now I almost don't care. It would be nice to see him, but it is okay if I don't see him until he picks up kids on Sunday.
I have to maybe, as Bug says, put the focus back squarely on self. This would be a lot easier if he was awful...lmao!
I think your banter is pressuring him and he's backing away. You've let him know how you feel now let it go. You're still trying to get him to see how much you've changed.
Let him go, let him be who he is.
You may decide that what he has to offer isn't enough. That's a scary place to be but you can handle it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I like how flirty and fun you are right now, but I agree with bug in that it was a little pressure. You applied it, and he backed away, so I'd try to keep up flirty and fun without the direct pressure. Let him see the fun girl and come to her.
I was thinking the same, is it a form of pressure? For sure. I have to say things did not get better on my part last night and he texted hope you had a safe drive. See you Sunday,
I only received it later on because I woke up out of that sleep we all do, missing H and I can't even breathe. So, I texted that to him. His reply was that you have certainly hidden it well.
I guess DBing is not an issue lol!
My reply;
No hiding. Everyone knows I am desperately in love and they shake their heads and tell me I am crazy. I have some balance and some peace simply because I accept this. I can't make decisions for anyone but me. What you are seeing is I simply let go of my pride and the f$&k you attitude as the sole pieces of who I am and I know that even when I am weak or I need people it doesn't make me any less me. It makes me more
That was it.
A couple of minor texts today about housekeeping stuff, but will not talk or text unless he does until,Sunday. I think that was more emotionally draining than I anticipated. I've given a good chunk of my energy out and am currently recharging, so will focus on all the good and myself for next couple of days in order to regain that core. Didn't realize I had given out so much over the past few days.
"A couple of minor texts today about housekeeping stuff, but will not talk or text unless he does until,Sunday. I think that was more emotionally draining than I anticipated. I've given a good chunk of my energy out and am currently recharging, so will focus on all the good and myself for next couple of days in order to regain that core. Didn't realize I had given out so much over the past few days."
Agree, Ruby. Time to take some time to think and recharge. I can see how texting seems to work for you two, but don't make the texts so "deep." You might be falling into a pattern in which you write all the deep stuff and he replies something short and to the point. I also think he already got the message you want to convey.
Also, I think you're okay without seeing him till Sun bc he's being nice and friendly. This happened to me. But as soon as he was distant, I would become afraid and anxious...
Good job, though, doing the 180's and getting to know yourself.
