I have moved my thread form NewComers, sadly because I have been at this for quite some time. It's been 1.5 yrs since we have felt the realness of it all, but as people say he's been "checking out" way before that.
They say that our MLCer's are changed people...well I can say that I have gone through my own changes as well. I can't say they have all been for the good, but I'm not finished I guess, this molehill keeps turning into a mountain.
I have learned some good things about myself along the way, and now am looking for the strength to put some things into action.
I can't help but feel that even though H is not causing trouble at home, his presence does thicken the air. These days we're barley speak and he says it's because his anger has consumed him, swallowed him whole.
What makes me mad about that statement is that he has been oblivious to my detaching. I have made some big changes in how I interact with him. All he sees is that I "want" my H, almost rebellious like saying he's gone, locked up so far down, and he's never coming back!
The hatred he has for himself is so strong that he gives "that guy I married" a whole different identity. He has forbidden his brothers and mom from coming to our house, I think because they represent "my'' H.
When he leaves for work the air thins, I feel lighter, free. I have much more detaching to do I'm sure, the difference is now I actually want to, I want to get far away from him for me.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
