Tough question for sure. I guess I would say look at it from a DB'ing perspective, and think about the cheeseless tunnels. Look at what you've been doing and ask yourself if it's been working, and if not then try something else. Remember that DB'ing often doesn't feel right at all, it often seems counterintuitive. So don't concern yourself too much about how it feels.
I went back and read some of my earlier posts and when I was being nice and showing her I cared I thought then things were getting better. I know we were talking more, spending more time together, and she was snuggling up against me at night. She was also just starting to initiate small talk and sending me tests throughout the day. Not sure if I was right or if it was just in my head but maybe I should force myself to continue with that approach for a little while longer. I know I was feeling better then but getting over how she treated kids will be a tough one. It sure feels counter-intuitive to how I'm feeling this minute. If no improvement I can always start going dim full time and see if that works.
Originally Posted By: Breakdown
at one point, I decided that my W and I were no longer H and W...we were simply friends that were co-parenting. This took a huge amount of stress off my shoulders....every interaction was different, better, easier. The pressure subsided.
This is kind of what I'm thinking about trying to do. It's also more inline with my goals I set out at the beginning of this thread. I never mentioned separating or going dim a couple weeks ago. Need to stay the course no matter how I'm feeling this very minute.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I follow Michele's advice very strictly on this, and that is that you should go ahead and make plans to go with the kids and then tell W she's welcome to join if she wants. In other words, make it clear that you're going with or without her, but if she wants to go along then you don't object.
Seems like good advice, and again not something that is natural so a good 180. Old me would have just cancelled thought of going to game since didn't like potential to not go as a family. Instead I sent W a text a minute ago telling her I was taking kids and invited her to go if she wanted. We'll see what she replies with.
With my current mindset I think it's time to crack DR open again and give it another read.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Spartan, everyone has an opinion about the S. Give yourself whatever time you need to decide.
One comment: you can detach and GAL while being kind and nice at the same time. You said being kind/caring helped, but you're hurt and don't feel like being so nice. I feel the same way...but have continued to behave as though I'm not hurt. I suggest looking at your W as someone who is lost and under a lot of pain--so much pain she has lost all perspective on what matters in life and has even neglected her own children. From a compassionate point of view, being nice/caring might be easier. That's what I'm doing. I'm trying to look at my H as someone who's desperately trying to find meaning in his life but can't find it. Someone who thinks partying/women is the answer. I know he's under a lot of pain even if he does not realize it. So I'm being kind and compassionate--even if I'm hurting so much.
Overall I think I did good yesterday being friendly with W even though it was acting. She called me after work and we talked for about 5 minutes, mostly about how her day went and she told me a few more people committed to the race. She then said she would like to go to basketball game with us next weekend. Strange twist on this one: after D7 found out W was coming she came up to me by herself and sheepishly whispered I thought we were going just us. I asked her why she thought that and she didn't answer but mind reading a 7 year old she seemed a little disappointed. I told her it would be fun for all of us to go and wear our Spartan gear and she said ok. She then asked if I would take her swimming this weekend which I said I would. Not really sure what to make of this little turn because she's always wanted entire family to do everything together. I thought about it a lot last night and if I should do anything differently, didn't come up with anything yet.
Later in night W was in basement for a while which usually means she's trying to do something on computer. Every part of me wanted to let her struggle away while I read a book but remembering what we posted about yesterday I acted as a friend and popped my head down there to ask if she needed help. She jumped at the chance and I helped her create some signs for the race. She seemed grateful and said thanks and good night (first good night since before Christmas). I'm going to really try to continue to 'be friends' and be engaged but it will be acting because I still don't feel like being friends with W.
Rest of night was really good with kids and we had a great time hanging out. Took S4 to get our haircut and he was cracking me up. He's always the center of attention when he enters a room. Every hair cutter knows his name and it reminds me of Norm from Cheers when S4 walked in. They all wanted to cut his hair, it was like I didn't even exist. After kids went to bed I got some reading in and BS'd with some friends while playing a game. Went to bed feeling really good (minus the inquiring thoughts regarding D7 comments).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Kind of a strange morning. W has called me twice at work to just talk. It's mostly about the charity/ website but also to tell me how her sister's kid is feeling. Pretty random stuff that I would have thought could wait until later tonight or tomorrow. I truly won't ever understand my W or the WAS. For last week we've barely said 10 words a day to each other, yesterday I help her a little bit and we have a total of maybe 10 minutes of small talk, and this morning she's acting like old times and nothings wrong. I guess this is how she has always handled issues (case in point how she's all of a sudden reconnected with her family w/o discussing last 4 years of silence) but I'm struggling with what to do with it. Feels like another hill on the roller coaster of DBing, we were at bottom of hill and now W thinks it's ok to talk and act pleasant again.
It appears that it's possible to get back into the 'friends' thing this weekend but it's just not where I'm at right now. Thankfully she works late tonight so just me and kids so don't have to 'act' until tomorrow. If I can do this I deserve an Oscar. And up the coaster hill we go...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Get off the coaster, work on detaching. Stop your thoughts when you go to the "I wonder what this means?" place. Take everything at face value because you don't know what's behind what she's saying or doing.
There was a mantra StubbornDyke posted a while back which was something like "Hmmm W is being nice, I like it when she's nice." and keep repeating that until you can let it go.
When you focus on what she's saying, doing, thinking you lose control of you and then you are subject to your emotions being attached to hers.
Did you read the info on detaching?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with bug. Whatever you're doing seems to be having a positive effect, so keep doing that, but stop worrying about what it means, or what she's thinking. Be you.
but I'm struggling with what to do with it. Feels like another hill on the roller coaster of DBing, we were at bottom of hill and now W thinks it's ok to talk and act pleasant again.
That's pretty simple, you do nothing. Celebrate it internally as a baby step, but keep the distance/ pursuit dynamic in mind. If you make any move towards her she'll go right back to distancing. I'm sure you've read the squirrel-feeding analogy, just remember if you do anything other than hold still and let her approach that she will go running right back up the tree and it starts all over again.
Thanks guys, I appreciate the friendly reminders! Detaching is such a difficult thing to master. I know what I should do but it's hard to remember to do it myself. It's funny because I'd give the same advice to someone else that you guys just gave me. I just need to remember to change my old way of thinking and how I look at things and trust DBing.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
