RLA, I definitely don't consider myself a martyr. But wouldn't go so far as to say I'm noble either. If I had to come up with a word, I would describe myself as responsible. And perhaps a realist. I have a responsibility to S12. And I know the next R isn't going to be a magical fantasy of romantic wonderfulness anyway. I've done the "divorced man with children and a bitter ex-W" thing and I'm really not interested in doing that again, so what would be my option? A 50yo bachelor? No thanks! A 30yo single? Again, no thanks. So there's no draw for me to D right now, as there might be if I was a WAS having an affair, or 20 years younger.
When H and I were arguing more, I was definitely concerned about the impact on S12, but that doesn't happen anymore. He's just consumed with being 12, and that's good. I enjoy him immensely, and if I'm selfish in any way, then it's that I don't want to have to give him up half the time. He's my one and only, and I don't want to miss any of his life.
So perhaps that's the answer to the question of what I get out of the M: not having to give up time with my S12.
I need help making my M/life the best it can be under the circumstances, the circumstances being that H is probably not going to change. I've actually made a whole lot of progress in the last year, so maybe there's not that much to do. When we used to do counseling, I used to have more issues to discuss than the time would allow. Now, I don't even want to go to counseling because I can't think of anything we would discuss. I think, mostly, I've improved in focusing on me and GAL'g, so the problems in the M simply don't bother me like they used to. And I've grown to accept that my M is simply not going to be what I thought it would be so I'm not rebelling against that anymore, making for a lot less internal turmoil.
Maybe I don't really need much and I'm still here because I feel like I've gotten to know some really great people, and simply enjoy their online company.
