And it continues. She brought our D home and just kind of hung around. She was almost borderline edgey, but she didn't leave right away, she hung out for maybe 20-30 minutes. I didn't pursue any talk regarding "us" what so ever. Just kept it light and fluffy.
After she left, a friend called me and wanted to share something she saw on my W's Facebook. My wife has blocked or unfriended me a long time ago. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring weeks and weeks ago. She has removed me from being her "husband" on facebook....However, all of our wedding pictures and family photos, dozens and dozens of them are still prominently displayed. To me, that is the first thing I would remove if I felt I was trying to remove myself from someone elses live. The whole mindset of the WAS really baffles me. It's almost to the point where I find it interesting, and I want to know more about how they think.
I'm just horrified. I just spent about an hour reading back through past emails that my wife and I have exchanged. She is absolutely right. Literally for 5 years we have been unhappy (at times) and been expressing our desire to make things better. I had no idea that it had actually been this bad between us, for so long. No wonder she left. I am just at a loss.....
It makes me want go to my wife an apologize for being so ignorant. I want to show her how much I have improved and become a better man. I treat her better now than I have for years it seems, and we're currently separated and barely talking! Why didn't we make things better when we had the chance? Would we be able to make things better now, if she was even willing to consider it again?....so sad right now
I'm just horrified. I just spent about an hour reading back through past emails that my wife and I have exchanged. She is absolutely right. Literally for 5 years we have been unhappy (at times) and been expressing our desire to make things better. I had no idea that it had actually been this bad between us, for so long. No wonder she left. I am just at a loss.....
I did the same, read through conversations we've had. Many of the arguments or disagreements we've had seems so unimportant and idiotic now.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
It makes me want go to my wife an apologize for being so ignorant.
Yes I wanted to do the same. But I decided it would be best to SHOW it rather than tell.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
I want to show her how much I have improved and become a better man. I treat her better now than I have for years it seems,
Well that's a good step. And it weighs more than a (repeated?) apology. How is she reacting to your changes? I know you said you barely talk, but do you see any change in her attitude towards you?
My eX has, right now, a far better attitude towards me than just some weeks ago. I treat her (and me) with more respect and maybe that contributes. But still, there is not much change in our situation. And I know it can be a rollercoaster.
Originally Posted By: suckerpunch
Why didn't we make things better when we had the chance? Would we be able to make things better now, if she was even willing to consider it again?....so sad right now
Same thoughts go through my head. I guess we didn't see the consequenses. We were ignorant. BUT, we can learn from this. Grow from it. Hopefully we will come to a much better place, either with them or without.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
My W is noticing some of the changes in me (I'm sure), both physically and emotionally. Unfortunately, she hasn't shown much interest in anything to do with me lately, but hopefully that will change over time. I am still based in the reality that it may never happen though, and that SUX.
I know that they say time is a gift, but I also worry it could be a curse if she finds interest in OM. Thus far, I don't beleive she has. I guess I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
I just feel very helpless today. I wish I could be more proactive in rebuilding a realtionship with my W. I know we all do......
Today is another rough day. My wife called this morning to ask for a quick favor. The conversation ended with her saying, "k bye". I know it isn't a big deal, but it feels like she is becoming more and more distant with her interactions with me. There has been zero talk about our R, obviously because I have stopped bringing it up. Therefore, our conversations have been fairly business like, mostly just regarding our daughter.
Lastnight, she went out with friends drinking and dancing. One of her girlfriends, who is also a very good friend of mine, said that she tried talking to her about our marriage. She said my wife pretty much shut her down and said she has made up her mind and that was that. Hearing that, was crushing for me. I have been struggling with what to do all day. Previously, I had given myself a personal goal of March 1st to see if our R would turn around. However, seeing how things are seemingly progressing for the worse everyday has me wondering if I should just call it quits on DBing....just very discouraged today. Needing some strength to keep going
I haven't been at this for much longer than you, but remember this is a rollercoaster. Nothing she says to anyone can be taken as the complete truth.
You can't let her actions affect you(this much). It will drive you mad.
My eX has gone from - commenting my positive change to - saying she was never happy, that we never got a long and that she thought the very essens of my person was just extremely annoying and always have been. That she had no interest in talking to me and hoped I wouldn't call. This was said out of the blue, just being downright mean. to - being very distant and only down to business and the last weeks now, she has been calling/texting and being nothing but nice and fun to be around. (Now I'm just bracing myself for the continuing rollercoaster I'm sure will follow)
I have done my best to be balanced and not reactive towards her, and have done -fairly- good(I think), yet she has been all over the place. I've been telling myself the same thing I tell you. Try and brush it off, don't go along on the rollercoaster. If I would take it all seriously I would be crushed. Being discouraged is part of this. Be strong, focus on yourself, continue DB'ing for YOU.
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Just remember DB isn't all about saving your marriage. You have to save yourself first. And then maybe, just maybe you might get another chance with your wife. If not you will be ready for someone else.
I find the more I detach the easier it gets to maintain my ultimate goal.
I stopped at w's place today to get my son's schoolwork, she opened the door and handed me the bag. Had I not spoken we probably could have made the exchange without saying a word. Remember she is the one that wanted out, and that is how she acts towards me. I find it humorous rather than discouraging. I am to the point that no matter what she does, she will only see happiness and contentment from me. That is not to say that I don't have my down moments, but she will not see those. We are supposed to be the grieving spouse, we have to start with the 180 of not being that.
My bomb was somewhere around 8 months ago and I still get that type of behaivor from someone that was supposed to get happy by leaving. Meanwhile I am choosing to learn and grow from this. It would appear that I am in a better place than the one who choose this. I say appear because I really don't know what is going on in her head. I can only go on her behaivor towards me.
What I am getting at is this is a long journey, leave her alone, and by all means don't talk to people about it. Talk to us, believe in us. And most importantly believe in yourself.
I would also say try not set dates for things like when it may turn around. It is one thing to say you will be able to run 10 miles by March 1st, it is attainable. But to put a date on when you will R is very difficult. It may not happen. I really am a positive person by nature, but even I can admit that I may not get another chance. That being said, if I hadn't found this forum I would still be stuck in the mud, going nowhere.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
That just it Sandi, I don't know for sure. I guess I would have closure. I guess that would give me no other choice than to move on, basically forcing my hand.
I mean I get the fact that this could take a long time. I am even willing to stay in it for the long haul, if I have a fighting chance. But, I also realize that it could be a never ending journey to nowhere. I just don't know if I can "actually" start to heal without there being a defined end to it, whether good or bad. I mean what are the odds that we are all just spinning our wheels, almost in denial of the situation? How often does a WAS ever come back? Is it like 1 in 10.....1 in a 100....1 in a million? I don't know. I have no idea if mine will ever turn around. Is it good for me to keep "acting as if" it will?
In regards to the WAS being angry and unhappy after they leave, we all feel that, but what about the fact that maybe they are just angry and unhappy with US? Who knows, maybe they are in a happier place with the rest of their lives, or maybe they are in just a "slightly" happier place. I mean there has to be a reason they choose to stay on their path.
Please don't turn me out in the cold. This is just the place I am in today. I WILL get my strength and determination back!For all practical purposes, I am still doing better today DBing than I ever have. I just need to have some support. That is why I am reaching out to all of you. You are all amazing people that give me so much hope. I wouldn't have lasted without you.
No one is going to turn you out in the cold. Remember this is a marathon and you have to save yourself before you can save your marriage. If you quit DB, does that mean that you are done learning how to have a lasting r? Will you quit trying to change the things about yourself that contributed to the demise of your marriage?
If you quit, aren't you setting yourself up to go through this sometime down the road?
The way I see it, is that in my next r if it isn't with my w, I am going to have to be a rockstar of relationships. It is pretty daunting thinking about balancing two children, a ex w, while trying to cultivate a loving r with someone who might possibly have the sme external stressors that I have. So no matter what happens with my w and I, it is in my best interest to know all I can about myself and relationships.
Besides just because you quit, does that automatically mean you have closure and you are ready to move on?
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
