Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

So, I just had another convo w H about our sitch. He just simply is not ready to reconcile, or even to try, or even to consider the option. I am past the point of asking, begging or anything like that. I merely point out that trying to R is an option. He's saying the amount of change that would have to happen would be too great, and I told him I felt same, so he denies that the possibility even exists. He basically told me (but not in these words), "Nothing could make me love you again."

I know that you are all correct, that my head could easily be clouded by the presence of another man. This is true and I have been very susceptible to that in the past. My work with my IC is to figure out my own sh!t to the point where I am making more conscious decisions about my relationships - I am controlling them vs. them controlling me. I do not have the ego right now to fully be able to do that, but it's my goal to get there. I do want to be that awesome person, and I want to fix myself so that I don't repeat my mistakes. I know I wasn't such a great W, OMs aside.

If we do separate, which seems quite likely, I am not going to cut myself off from any possibilities. This does not mean going to bars, clubs, online dating, being set up, telling my friends I'm dating and all of that. It does not mean looking for another R. It simply means, I am not going to cut myself off from any possibilities. So if I'm in another situation where I'm minding my own business and a super cute guy starts talking to me, I think I'd be silly to turn him away just out of principle.

What if another OM1 came along? Then what? I STILL, after almost 4 years, have regret about OM1. For sure he is the one who got away, for me. For him, maybe not, but for me, yes. The pull I felt towards him was pretty much impossible to resist (which I guess is why I ultimately couldn't resist it). He came to me in my dreams, vividly. Should I pass up another potential opportunity like that because maybe someday H will change his mind?

So, is that walking away? When is the time to walk away? If I never walked away, became the ultimate DB'er and just waited for H to notice my changes until I became an old lady, then that would not be healthy either. There has to be a time when you walk away, when the negative consequences of staying in a dysfunctional R outweigh the benefits.

You know I'm a strong believer in the power of the universe, so I figure that the next person, or next R will come along when the circumstances are right, and not one minute sooner, or later. I know I am not ready for anything big at this point, and I trust my own instincts on that.

I am on a good path and I intend to stay on it... you guys and my IC will keep me on it... I am not going anywhere!