Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

So, I just had another convo w H about our sitch. He just simply is not ready to reconcile, or even to try, or even to consider the option. I am past the point of asking, begging or anything like that. I merely point out that trying to R is an option. He's saying the amount of change that would have to happen would be too great, and I told him I felt same, so he denies that the possibility even exists. He basically told me (but not in these words), "Nothing could make me love you again."

I know that you are all correct, that my head could easily be clouded by the presence of another man. This is true and I have been very susceptible to that in the past. My work with my IC is to figure out my own sh!t to the point where I am making more conscious decisions about my relationships - I am controlling them vs. them controlling me. I do not have the ego right now to fully be able to do that, but it's my goal to get there. I do want to be that awesome person, and I want to fix myself so that I don't repeat my mistakes. I know I wasn't such a great W, OMs aside.

If we do separate, which seems quite likely, I am not going to cut myself off from any possibilities. This does not mean going to bars, clubs, online dating, being set up, telling my friends I'm dating and all of that. It does not mean looking for another R. It simply means, I am not going to cut myself off from any possibilities. So if I'm in another situation where I'm minding my own business and a super cute guy starts talking to me, I think I'd be silly to turn him away just out of principle.

What if another OM1 came along? Then what? I STILL, after almost 4 years, have regret about OM1. For sure he is the one who got away, for me. For him, maybe not, but for me, yes. The pull I felt towards him was pretty much impossible to resist (which I guess is why I ultimately couldn't resist it). He came to me in my dreams, vividly. Should I pass up another potential opportunity like that because maybe someday H will change his mind?

So, is that walking away? When is the time to walk away? If I never walked away, became the ultimate DB'er and just waited for H to notice my changes until I became an old lady, then that would not be healthy either. There has to be a time when you walk away, when the negative consequences of staying in a dysfunctional R outweigh the benefits.

You know I'm a strong believer in the power of the universe, so I figure that the next person, or next R will come along when the circumstances are right, and not one minute sooner, or later. I know I am not ready for anything big at this point, and I trust my own instincts on that.

I am on a good path and I intend to stay on it... you guys and my IC will keep me on it... I am not going anywhere!

[mamabird]

And just to prove how much I believe in the power of the universe and all that, this just popped up on my FB feed:

"Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own."

Hallelujah!

[2chiquitos]

How are you doing today?? Thinking of you!

[mamabird]

Hi Vero!
Life is pretty good! Frustrating... but I'm trying hard to find love in the little things and to focus on me for a change.

How are YOU?

[2chiquitos]

I'm doing much better. I've gotta say that journaling, praying, meditating and talking to good people has helped me a lot.

I find myself handling my triggers a lot better. They still come and go but I first pray, then I go down my list of way to heal myself. And I remember, DON'T BLAME ANYONE FOR THESE FEELINGS/EMOTIONS!

I hope you have an AWESOME FRIDAY!!! Any plans for Chinese New Year???

[2chiquitos]

BTW, I doubt you'll be an old lady waiting for H to change his mind about trying. lol ;-)

[GH31]

Hi RegretfulLA,

I have followed your posts somewhat but don't recall posting to you. I think your attitude is superb. You obviously know there are things lurking in your psyche which need to be addressed in order for you to have the life you deserve in the future. And you're doing what's required in order to for that to happen.

Hats off.

This struck me:

I know that you are all correct, that my head could easily be clouded by the presence of another man.

From what you write about your husband it's inevitable that you would feel starved emotionally.

Also this:

I do want to be that awesome person, and I want to fix myself so that I don't repeat my mistakes. I know I wasn't such a great W, OMs aside.

I was a shockingly neglectful and verbally abusive husband also. I had to make lots of changes even if I wasn't going to be with my wife. I was 31 when my life utterly disintegrated in January 2008 and figured I would be alive another 50-60 years. I wanted those years to be great years, free from the heartbreak and pain that my choices had invited into my life.

What if another OM1 came along? Then what? I STILL, after almost 4 years, have regret about OM1. For sure he is the one who got away, for me. For him, maybe not, but for me, yes.

Would you feel this way if your husband had had an epiphany and started meeting all the needs you had been starved of?

This also struck me:

And just to prove how much I believe in the power of the universe and all that, this just popped up on my FB feed:
"Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth and value, but because we finally realize our own."

You will struggle to find more of a hard nosed atheist and skeptic than me. But... about the Power of the Universe and signs....

On the day my wife left me, 28th January 2008, my watch stopped. I never put it on again.

Also, we were living in Berlin, Germany at the time this happened and I decided to take a trip on the train to Poznań in Poland. Whilst there I went for a walk in a big park and felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I hadn’t eaten anything for a week and those ketones rattling around in my brain probably contributed to this, but I realised then that I had no more “axe to grind”, no more “points to prove” and no more “scores to settle”. Later that day as I was back in the city centre I saw the classic Australian roadsign – the yellow diamond with the black silouhette of a kangaroo on it. My wife and I are from Australia and I thought it was odd that I would see this on the street in a small Polish city. Almost immediately thereafter I saw an image on a billboard of a broken heart with a safety pin going through it, holding both halves of the heart together.

As sceptical as I am I paid attention to these signs and on 28th April 2008 I flew back to Australia and went completely pitch black on my wife – zero contact. She had moved in with OM and I left her in Europe, 10,000 miles away. This was by far the best decision I could have made and I never regretted it for a nanosecond.

When back in Australia I saw (again on a billboard) a caption reading ”She’s coming to Australia. Be prepared”. Sure enough my wife came back to Australia 25 days after me and that is when the worst part of my “sitch” began. The latter part of 2008 and the first half of 2009 were absolute, uttermost Hell on earth. In fact I read my thread from back then the other day and can hardly believe it was me experiencing that.

I saw and experienced many more of these “signs”. My sceptical nature wonders whether I see them simply because my brain is primed to notice them (like if you bought a red Mustang you would likely start noticing other red Mustangs) or if there really is something else in it. I don’t know .... but they have happened too many times now for me not to take them seriously and pay attention.

Hang in there and keep posting to us!

Best,
GH31.

[dorightman]

Hi Regretful, I feel you. I wrote an email to w yesterday after a bad MC session and I told her we could go to the mediator, divide assets, and I would get my own place and move on. This morning when i woke up, I had a change of heart, again.
I'm afraid to tell her because I already did this in the past, and she doesn't trust my words anymore.
I like the advice your getting from the other folks here. Be careful about the influence of your therapist. A lot of them are only interested in helping you out as a single individual. I know thats important, but if you value family, you have to consider that too.

Maybe you could keep doing the work on yourself a little while longer and not worry about your H. Keep your longterm goals in mind, focus on you and your kids. Remember its a marathon, a fricking LONG one!

I know you want to love and be loved. I want that too, I'm sure we all do. But the short term solution could fizzle out and you could be left with no way back, your kids may be more confused, I don't know.
It's so hard, i'am struggling with the same sitch as you.
I don't want to give up, but at the same time, I want to be able to give and receive love.
Take your time and really think things through before you make any moves.

[mamabird]

Feeling a little sad today. I'm feeling more and more like H has just moved on without me. MWD's FB post today had to do with one spouse not forgiving, which means that they haven't looked at their own role in the demise of the R. This just makes me feel powerless and sad.

I do feel like it is time for me to move forward, and it looks more and more like it will be without H. We had a thing at the kids school today. He blew me off as usual, and acted like he hadn't a care in the world. It hurt more than it usually does for some reason.

Heard a radio shrink this morning giving counsel and she mentioned Dr. Gottman, and how he says that stonewalling is the single worst harbinger of demise in the R. I feel like I'm surrounded by signs that say that the chances of working this out are next to nothing.

GH31, I need to reply to you and will do when I have another free moment.

[mamabird]

Well, interesting thing just happened. Had a mini bonding session with the token gay guy at work. I don't know him very well but he told me that he thinks I am really smart and has wanted to say that for a while and that he worries about me because he knows I am sad. He also said "your life's a mess", but in the loving way that only a female friend/gay friend can do. He told me to try to be happy. Either I'm a crappy actress or he's very intuitive. Or both.