From Survivng to Thriving & backslides in between.

[~ kd ~]

Kimmerz, there's a couple other current examples of what AJ is experiencing. My sitch is not quite as long standing as AJ's (at least in regards to our registration dates).

My W still spews or is very abrupt, from time to time. She still does not remember conversations with me. I have been keeping a boundary with her that all significant communications (which is pretty much everything except for the words spoken if she is around when I pick up D10) be through email. At one point a few months ago, she said I could friend request her again on FB (she had unfriended and blocked me a couple years ago) so we could communicate that way, she also wanted to communicate with me by text. I've said, "no thank you. email only." Otherwise, I'll never keep things straight. The spew... is always interesting... It's all very one sided as comm from me, which is generally a response to her comm, gets black holed, even if I'm asking for clarity.

Also, check out what's going on with In A Pickle (his last thread was locked in newcomers). His X is doing some bizarre attempts at reconnecting, like telling him her gfs are asking if he's seeing someone, she's rubbing his back at times, yet still remaining very distant and he's on edge, again.

Yes, it's annoying... frustrating... you name the emotion.

My W wanted flexibility in our contract, I said "follow by the letter". She got mad, things got better, she asked for flex, I submitted, I asked for flex, she said "follow by the letter".

gah...

It will only end when it ends, the best we can do is remain as separated from it as possible, yet still be as pleasant as possible to appropriately co-parent as our kids need.

[Kimmerz]

Well Im the one spewing here....but we're not even co parenting the kids Kaffe. Im parenting. He's got them as house guests.
My attitude is " Im doing this on my own. I no longer expect your help, nor do I want it. The price is too high".

I will check out the thread. It helps to hear you're not the only one that feels crazy!

Thanks for the support guys. Im just done with the push me/ pull me dance that's gone on with us for ages. I mean it even went on between us while he was still at home. I guess whats so odd is at first I was the one always trying to contact and connect with him. I decided to stop that, and now it's getting close to a year he's been the one initiating contact 95% of the time.

[AJM]

Why on earth is your X doing this to you still AJM? I mean that's absolutely insane how she's constantly saying one thing to you then saying or doing another. Intrusive without reason is exactly what it is!

Ha. The million dollar (USD) question, right?

I get that you're done with it, K. I do. I think it's important that you do what is right for you and your girls. If you're not getting any value out of his comms, file them away as useless chatter. It gets less painful and much easier. Quicker than you might imagine.

AJ

[job]

Kimmerz,
I agree with the other posters, i.e., file away the emails and let it go. It's his way of keeping a connection w/you in his own crazy way. If you were to say something to him, it most likely would get worse rather than better, so just look at the subject lines and if you already know the information, file the emails away. Many times, the mlcers will go from one extreme to the other and what he's doing is being a "chatty cathy" so to speak. Some teenagers do go through this type of stuff and I susepct your xh is one of them. I honestly do not think he's doing it to bug you at this point.

Yes, you will see many facets of his personality while he is touring the universe. One minute you may have a glimmer of the old xh, another a young tot and so forth. It's all part of his processing his issues and being integrated into one person at the end of the crisis.

I know that you are done and you want to move on the best way possible, but you've still got the children who need to interact w/their father. I would like to suggest that you read the postings of MyTurnNow. She had two children and they were young when her xh walked out the door and she had some pretty frustrating times as well.

It will get easier as time goes on, but what will help is if you can look at his missives as just postcards from ET.

[Kimmerz]

Well I know he's not doing it on purpose to piss me off. I think he' doing it because he loves the idea of himself being so important and that he's doing what he's supposed to, at least this week. Next week, he'll change into Monster.

I think what bothers me the most is that I don't think he has a clue as to how odd his behavior is. Talk about the elephant in the room.

What I wonder is if I consistently don't answer back to his emails, does he even notice this? He must because a few weeks ago he asked me to "let him know". Well D10 "let him know" not me.

You know what's ironic? I get paid to deal with people like him at work. WE have a resident with Borderline Personality Disorder and I tell you the similarities are scary!

[AJM]

A person with BPD and MLC - could they be similar? Hmm..

Since they are both three letter acronym's, how about mixing up the approach of how to deal with them? You know, just to see?

Seriously, you are venting and you need to. But we both know you already know what you are going to do, right K?

AJ

[Kimmerz]

Ok Aj, what do you think Im going to do about this?

[AJM]

I think you're going to think about it and then file it away as more rambling from a nut job. That's what I've done. Hasn't been easy, I won't lie. I have been tempted and advised from a few friends to respond to the complaint with the facts. In the end, I can't think what to say that isn't unproductive. It would just be me pushing back against a marshmallow.

I just file the messages and let them go. Eventually, if they don't stop I'll contact my lawyer and see about filing harassment charges in my case. We'll see, but I would guess they'll just end at some point. At least for months or years at a time.

This is my life. My kids are not in any danger from this, and there is nothing to prove. There is no good way to argue with a closed-minded emotional fool. I learned that along the way

Peace,
AJ

[tiredndrained]

It so nice to see there may be a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. My H changed n became mean and cruel to me. He cheated for over a yr n somehow seems to find a way to blame it on me. He says he hates me n Im the root of all his problems. I cry endlessly n pray every day gets better. Thx for posting...maybe in a yr Ill be able to do the same.

[Kimmerz]

Well AJ, I did get yet ANOTHER EMAIL from him Friday giving me his complete work schedule and days off. I found that odd given he could've included it in the email he sent the day before about what he planned with the girls for transportation Friday.

So I decided to give myself a full 48 hours to think about this.

Yesterday I started to email back explaining to him that I want nothing to do with his relationship with the girls and from now on he's responsible for making his plans with his girls, and they will inform me from now on.

Then I realized I was only half way through my 48 hour time frame, and I really must refraine and think some more.

I really like the marshmallow concept because that's about what it is.

So this is where I stand now. The reason Im struggling with this is my pride and my ego. I sometimes wonder that now that Im getting "me" back, if Im not just getting a little too much attitude. But I think I just have some sore spots that if they get pushed, I release my own Monster.

My ego and pride wants me to put XH in his place and make it be clear to him I am not here to help him out in ANY WAY with the girls. He IS ON HIS OWN. TAKE YOUR DRAMA AND SHOVE IT BUDDY.

That's Miss Ego and Pride speaking there.

Then... miraculously after a nap and prayer before my nap the other day I woke up not offended, not upset, and actually finding this comical. I went from boiling point, to calm, relaxed and fine with everything. Now... that's what my usual normal is. Let is roll, and don't get the panties in a bunch.

Then I was suddenly struck with actually remembering how XH does act when he really is trying to be nice and get along with people. I remembered how socially akward he is in uncharted waters. I know how he's told me how hard it is for him to find the words and articulate himself with strong emotions or akward situations. Then I remembered this is his odd way of trying to reconnect, but his reasons for it I don't really don't know. It could be alot of things.

All the sudden I had a total recall of how XH is a human being ( though Monster mode in him makes me feel completely opposite) and how he does the best he knows how, even if what he's doing really could use alot of work and causes frustration.

So... (big sigh, w/hands on my hips and me rolling the eyes) I need to come to grips that it's my Ego Im stuggling with, at the same time my truest self that always wants and strives for peace, kindness and compassion I will not ignore.

If I get my ego in check, extending compassion and kindness to a very flawed individual with personality disorders will not cause such emotional upheavel within me.

Perhaps it's just alot different when you were married to a man for many years compared to a stranger you might meet and never get attatched to.

Hmmmm.