It's funny how things come across, when it seems so different from the inside looking out. I do appreciate everyone's perspective, even if I see it differently. If nothing else, it shows me how people interpret my statements/actions.
I will be the first to say that I'm unhappy in my M. I have expectations about M. Without them, I would have had no reason to M in the first place. Not being able to get around them is definitely frustrating. I'm lonely for a person in my life that I could consider my partner, that I could share an intimate (not just sexual) R with, that I could look forward to seeing at the end of the day. IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, I will agree/admit that I'm unhappy. But I don't really consider it to be much different than when I was single for many years, living with a bad roommate, except that I don't have the occasional date to break it up.
But beyond that, I feel like I'm a pretty happy person. I have many long-time friends that I spend time with. I've had people tell me that they see me as always being so cheerful and composed. It is not pretend or artificial. If you knew me personally, you would know that I just don't do that well. I sat here today smiling because my dog was laying in a sunbeam on his cushion next to me on the floor, and as I was scratching him, he just looked so content. I guess I feel like if I was "that unhappy," I wouldn't even notice something like that. I would be too caught up in my own misery.
I've seen the effect of D on children firsthand. I lived through the hell of my H's post-D on his children from his first M. It touched every aspect of their lives, even something as simple as their friends not knowing what house they were staying at that evening. It's simply not something I care to put mine through. If I sound frustrated on this topic, it's because I've explained my position on it before, several times, and I'm simply not looking for assistance with that decision. It's one of the few things that I can say I'm certain about.
RLA, I've been reading your thread and seeing your struggles with how to make it work with your H, questioning whether or not you even should try. I think you can understand that when the hurdles are so many and so high, it makes you wonder if there's even any point in trying. Throw on top of that the fact that you're the only one trying? Yeah, it can put a damper on your day. I look at my M as suffering from a terminal disease, and that it's not a matter of "if," only a matter of "when." By my calculations, we have 5-6 years. It doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean I am not still considering treatment options. I've just pretty much lost hope and go at it a little less enthusiastically or optimistically. If you want to call that burned out, fine. I've been at this a long while.
