Almost Over...

[Dewayne]

I can only do so much right now. She takes her everywhere for her dentist appointments etc, doesn't want me to go. So I can't be there for her. She's always with Jerry so I assume that's why mainly, but then again, why couldn't she ask me to take them?

I just need practice in the DB methods and such. I am just now getting to wehre I can think somewhat clearly. Without being so burdened with the pain and hurt. This hit me a WHOLE lot harder than I expected. I still get emotional, but don't break down near as much.

My stbx's SIL has been taking the D to daycare in the mornings. She's been having rides to get her. Sometimes she's at work and has to have her friends or family pick up the daughter. I'm not ok with some of them but she won't stop having them doing it. I don't have the money / gas to run around so much, so most of it I can't do.

Daughter seems ok mostly, but I can tell she's not happy over there. She's always missing me and wanting me. However, with 2 bachelors here I can't keep her for a week at a time because she gets out and this house has thin walls. Wakes them up They both work diff. shifts and sleep all kinds of hours.

My life goals are to get a job and get my truck paid off. Get out and do more things again. I'd like to get back into billiards (shooting pool) and all that, but I have very few friends that like to "go out"

We were always home people. Did almost everything with ourselves and we were very happy. But I should've tried harder to get us some kind of friend circle going on. So yeah, i'm thinking of my life goals but working on job first. Then hopefully can afford my own place or at least find someone to move in with me so I can see my kiddo for a week at a time like I want.

My mom keeps saying "take jordan as much as you can and help STBX out as much as you can. This will show her you're trying" I keep telling her "MOM! She doesn't CARE if I am improved or not! And, it's not like I'm CHOOSING to not have my child! As far as helping her? why should I?" I was told that she chose to leave me. So she can have that. She needs help? Let her find her own way. But I'm torn when it comes to that part.

[chatterbug]

Enabling and cake eating are good things to avoid. You are right on the thinking here.

[Dewayne]

My old counselor called to check on me. She had watched my fb page She wasn't happy. I made a jab at women doing things liket his.

She asked me "When did you say her father died?" I said "I think 2 years ago now" She said "And when did this deprssion start you think?" ANd I suddenly remembered that email.

She sent me an email back in Oct 2011. (I think just one year after her father's passing, her mother died when she was 6) Her email was headlined "Depressed" She went on and on about her work and then about the end of it she said I'm not happy about our house, our money and myself and felt that everything was falling down around us and I also feel you're not happy with me. If I'm not happy with myself how cna i expect to make you happy with me too? I'm sorry I'm depress and I love you and I'm very glad you stuck with me"

It may be piecing together the "whys" a little more clearly, what you guys think? Severe depression? Ohh I learned, she never got off the Celexia Anti Anxiety med's. O.o She told me this last night. Been on them since June 2012. Just 2 months before things hit the fan.

[Dewayne]

Called to talk to my daughter. She and I talked a bit.

I'm a bit upset right now. She's got all of her new 20 yo friends at her "friend"s house playing MY game of Descent. I have like $250 tied up in that game system between the game and all the stuff I made for it etc...

I'm aggravated. I can hear them partially ignoring my kid in the background.

Why does this sh.t have to happen??? GAWWEEW:DFSJdgjas;dgj

I was doing good till I talked to them. Daughter was kinda occupied so yeah. Didn't feel too good I mean she talked to me but wasn't the same. There's like 6 or 7 people over there. I really want to scream right now.... But i have to get a hold of that emotion again and let it go.

times like this make me wonder WHY I want my family back together.

[Dewayne]

a;lsdkjaklsjdf dam rollercoaster I swear.

Woke up from 2 dreams. I hadn't said it here I don't think but I'm a victim of night terrors. Extreme nightmares that sometimes make you act out in your sleep and most of the time when you wake you don't remember them. I'm one of the unfortunate ones taht remember. Most of them seem so utterly real it's unbelievable.

Since this started, all my nghtmares about monsters and demons have stopped. All my dreams now are of her.

I woke up and was very emotional, tried to watch a few movies, watched a comedy show and took a drive. Couldn't talk to my friend because she's ALWAYS so negative... and it's starting to seem like she just wants me to give up hope because she likes me. I'm so tired of all of this.

Tried washing the dishes here at the pad and I just couldn't do it. Verge of breaking down again. I thought I had it under control....

I keep scouring the internet, looking for and reading success stories. They make me so happy to read, so happy for these other people. It gets so hard to remember that this may be because of depression, or a MLC, maybe they don't realize what they're doing. In a loving marriage how can she just drop you so fast and not even care or miss you. I think of all the fun stuff we did as a family, going to see kid movies and going to the park, driving around, going to nice places to eat etc.

Just an emotional bump. I thought last night, "she's having fun though, she's enjoying life. She never got to go hang out with so many friends etc.. I should be happy for her" but... should I really? How am I suppose to feel when I can't hold this back? Do I get mad? Do I try to be happy for her?

It's so dam depressing. I can't even get my life going as a single person now. Felon, hard to get a job. No one's hiring. No one's calling me back. I'm FLAT BROKE, mom had to bring a care package of food for Jordan... and to think 8 months ago we had $40,000 in hand. I keep thinking, "YTF didn't I just buy a house instead" "Had I not done the Haunt we would be fine..."

[chatterbug]

stick to one thread its confusing posting in your 3 threads you have going.

[chatterbug]

What your going through is PTSD and the grieving cycle at the same time. So read up on both of them and read up on how to work through them.

Because you will have to if you want to get out of limbo , anger, bitterness.

[Dewayne]

Yeah I'm trying. It hits sometimes, not all the time anymore. use to it was every minute. Now it's every day to every other day I guess.

I'm doing better now. been doing some more reading and will probably go find some cleaning to do... or something.

Ignored 3 txts from her so far. I can't really keep my child at the moment so I'm not even worried about it at the moment. I miss my kiddo and it gets me down but I'll get by.

[adinva]

Dewayne, sounds like you have made some big mistakes in your past. It's definitely making things more difficult for you but keep yourself on the straight and narrow and just keep applying for those jobs. Eventually someone is going to give you a chance. Don't allow anger and bitterness to hold you back. Keep your focus on your own growth and go cold turkey from W for a while, except where Jordan is concerned. You've got bigger fish to fry than your immature cheating W right now, sorry to say, but this is a big chance for you to turn your life around. (((((((hugs)))))))

[Dewayne]

I'm trying Adinva. I am working on the job thing. I'm working every day to keep the bitterness and anger out. I just slip... still on the ride, ya know.

cold turkey, I broke contact yesterday and have so far ignored 3 calls and 4 txts. One was to see if I wanted jo tonight and another was baout her having a fever. I can't do anything about either one so I left them alone. Plus I kinda left the phone in the couch for a while.

You're right, she's being so freaking immature right now. And still cheating, Divorce isn't dry yet, she's cheating imo. EVEN IF they're not intimate. Which I doubt is the case. ugh.

I'm telling myself every few minutes that I'm better off and thinking of healing and moving forward with finding a MATURE woman who is most likely to be past this teenage stage.