Yes. Do not change plans for H or text him even though I want to.....initiated emails have been him, but am warm and fun when I reply
You're doing great but it's sometimes easy to get side-tracked into taking our S's inventory. It's a 12-step term but it simply means, listing someone else's faults and trying to help them see the error in their ways. We want to fix them and then OUR lives will be better.
It's an attempt to control and fix to allay our discomfort.
But it takes the focus off our work.
Keep on keeping on.
I agree. Actually we have these huge long text convos. He is still trying to have me find someone else....sheesh. Not sure if it is "stop loving me don't love you" or "I would feel less guilty" or " if you find someone else, I was right, you don't love me".
Mind reading would be nice lol!
Anyway in my journal:
Belly button pierced- check...ow
Coffee with D and H. Was upbeat and fun, talked about D when she left and how she didn't want to see therapist, doesn't like to talk to strangers. Therapist said don't force her, and just gave me a few tips for home. Therapist also said that I had done all the work while she was away (. 6 weeks) and that is was my choice to stay in therapy...
I said I would like to continue to work on myself, because I had a ways to go yet in areas like how I manage my feelings when I am down, what are my rewards...I realized I had none lol...just punishing others for my feelings.
Told H about piercing, etc. mentioned that about ten of my friends were coming for dinner tomorrow to see a singer at SIL bar. He was going to go but then declined, because he feels uncomfortable.
I said okay, have great weekend. Then I said " double kiss ciao" He said, lets stick to hugging for now. Of course I focus on the for now lol. I said cheek kisses... Anyways, after a bit of banter I get this after inviting him to a show at his sisters bar next week, I am working, so it was just an offer to come and listen...
Thanks for the invite. But as I said I'm not feeling a good vibe and emotionally I am the equivalent of menopause and your period rolled into one. I have to work through a few things. One is letting go of everything I once had. The other is doing that with a smile. Lol
My reply:
Can't help you with that journey that is something you will have to walk yourself. But I offer my friendship and a piece of solid ground should you find yourself sinking. Should you ever find yourself in a place that is too dark to bear, just look beside you.
And no reply to that. At this point I have some strength and peace I can lend without expectation. I am really beginning to wonder if friends are what we are and not H and W? Am I so different already?
I am not ready to find someone else, I have work yet to do, but it doesn't kill me that he has. Maybe it will if he finds someone serious. I am not sure.
This place is a little weird, and maybe I am trying to control the situation by offering friendship? I don't know, because before I would have tried to convince him To come out anyway and now I almost don't care. It would be nice to see him, but it is okay if I don't see him until he picks up kids on Sunday.
I have to maybe, as Bug says, put the focus back squarely on self. This would be a lot easier if he was awful...lmao!
