Walking the path to my own happiness

[mamabird]

FM, why do you say my expectations are too high? My expectations of what?

If I am to be honest with myself, it is easier to detach while holding the thought that there is somewhere else to go. To detach and then have no light at the end of the tunnel (the way I see it) is indeed scary. The idea of light at the end of the tunnel gives me a lot of hope, and I am sure I am not alone in saying that or feeling that way.

Also, please re-read my last post... I am trying to be honest with myself in admitting that maybe I do need to see other people. Maybe that is justifying my behavior, but it's certainly a possibility that shouldn't be ignored. I don't want to force myself into a situation that isn't right because it's a little scandalous for me to think I am potentially missing something.

Personally, I think the driving force behind all of my behavior is my need to feel loved and accepted. Granted, that has to start with me, and I wasn't very good and loving or accepting me. I listened to other people's opinions about how I was inadequate in so many ways and finally internalized it and it became my own thinking.

But through this process, I've also realized that I have no interest in being with someone who does that to me. It is supremely unhealthy. If there were no kids, you all would be telling me to GTFO, stat. So that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of hope or good alternatives regarding our future together. He has to step up to the plate and he just isn't willing to do it.

Furthermore, H just told me that he will be making significantly less commission than he originally thought. He is one for doom and gloom but he just said "the gravy train is over.". He says this every year, but what it means is that him moving out is going to be very difficult. On the one hand, I am a little glad that he is going to have to sweat a little bit. Things have been way too easy for him IMO.