Paraphrasing:if my brother offends me, how many times should I forgive him, seven? Jesus said Not just seven, but seventy times seven.
There's also "Love keeps no record of wrongs" which also makes me not want to make the list. I really don't want to sit and mull over all the ways I've been hurt, done enough of that, and... "..now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."...
But... It also says if your brother(sister, W) offends you, go and tell them, alone, and If they listen, you have regained them.
I think I believe there are different methods of forgiveness for different levels of intimacy and offense, but I'm still working on my thoughts. If you cut me off in traffic I can forgive you and not chase you down and cuss you out or ram your car, and I can forgive without ever meeting you, and be over any anger in a minute or two. Some days I might not get mad or offended at all so no need to forgive.
if you harm a loved one it's going to take much more work for me to forgive.
Likewise for my W...very intimate R, very serious offenses, both ways. She resents me over things I did not know about, due to bad communication both ways. She has acted on that resentment in an incredibly hurtful way, and the pain cascades on and on. I have made my decision to forgive her, and letting go of the offenses must be a process because the pain is still here. I believe she can help me let it go by acknowledging.
Some of my pain is probably obvious to her, other not. I do feel a need to tell her, at some point. I also think some will disappear and be a non-issue once things are better, ie she doesn't say I love you, and that hurts, but after she starts again, hopefully I won't feel a need to say "by the way all those times you didn't say it really hurt" Perhaps the first I love you will heal all that...I know it helped a lot when she said I miss you, and she's said it a few more times.
I just want all our issues out in the open, not to keep score but to avoid resentment.
All the things I've read about validating her emotions, how to do it, why to do it, etc have made me say "hey, I want to be validated, too..."
I agree with you that resentment gets us nowhere.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
How will telling her your hurts from the past will help you today? How will it help her?
Our feelings are ours to deal with and reconcile.
But... It also says if your brother(sister, W) offends you, go and tell them, alone, and If they listen, you have regained them.
It doesn't say continue to plow old ground. I agree that going forward, you should work on your issues as they come up. And not just with your W, with everyone.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think we're talking different timeframes, maybe...
A glaring issue between us is she lives w/OM. If she minimizes my feelings about that, it will be hard not to resent.
I'm not talking about digging up the past, but about validating my feelings about what is currently going on.
One of the things I've learned here is that whatever she's feeling, is real to her. Validating it helps her get through it, or at least not feel need to defend and pull back.
The same must be true for me. I know now is not the time. I think, because of what I've read, that having my feelings validated will help me process them.
But, that's not my focus...W seems willing to figure out how to come back. C said get the issues/hurts on paper. I'm pretty certain I don't want to go to C session w/W and list all my pains. My focus will still be on being a man she can come back to, keeping the road home smooth.
If C asks me what some of my hurts are at this 1st session, my inclination is to resist.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
It's been 4 days since I've been on here. I am in a rough spot, due to mind reading, expectations, etc... Going to write it out, see if it helps.
I have been studying hard for a java programming cert, yesterday and today don't feel up to it, though I will force at least 30 minutes today, did 45 yesterday. I had been doing a couple hours per day or more.
My side job has not provided work in 2 weeks. They basically shut down for the holidays. This wasn't bothering me, but today it is a huge drain on my attitude.
We had the great Christmas. I had a fun NYE, w/out W. She missed her family gathering NYD due to the illness. We texted briefly.
Wed, 1/2 she started texting me from work, friendly, light conversation...Me still feeling great.
Thurs, 1/3 no contact all day...It was her day off. She's seemed to keep me at arms length on her thursday offs so didn't sweat it, still felt good. I know she had C appt.
Thurs evening I got home from business, S16 was out. He's supposed to tell me where he goes. Couldn't reach him on phone or text. I wanted to go to bed so called W to see if she took him somewhere. W dropped him at school basketball game, cousin driving him home. Fine, but we agreed I need to know where he is, not just her. That convo was terse. I apologized for my tone but I was annoyed that no one let me know what was going on. She said that's ok she agrees. Was still short w/me. I did not ask how counseling went, or did she make appt for us together, or if she went at all. I'll admit I was hoping for more in this convo. I said I wish I knew when we were getting together again. Didn't feel strong saying that.
Friday no contact. Wen to church band practice in evening. Not as up, losing positive.
Saturday no contact. By late afternoon depressed, lonely, walked dog for 2 hrs then went to Bs to watch football.
Sunday church. S16 stayed home sick, W came and took him to breakfast, I didn't see her. No contact. Went to BILs to watch football.
Don't know why I wrote all this...though as I'm doing it the sick feeling in my gut disappears for a few minutes.
Today I am wallowing. Just a few months ago I would look at someone in my state with disdain. Now I understand.
Logically, our convo on Xmas was so great. Don't know if I said this before: she said "if I come back now it will be just because I know I'm supposed to." I made a dumb little joke about any reason is a good reason then said "but i know, I want you to want to be here."
She told me she needs time to work through her issues...resentment, shame, fear.
I want to believe that when she avoids contact, that is what she is doing. That she's working through something that came up in counseling, I don't know...
I'm so tempted...to contact, temp take, etc...yet afraid of letting her see me like this, especially not working 2nd job...that gives me shame, I know she was pleased that I was working.
I'm so messed up. I get calm, then think of things I need to do, then get overwhelmed, then think of sitch w/W....not good. I need to get to where I think the sitch is either progressing or level, and I don't know why I don't think that anyway....
Just realized I haven't been praying...sad. I'm going to do that then force myself to get something done.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Well, the upside is that everything that you described in terms of your emotions being all over the board from day to day is not abnormal in the least. Early in my sitch I was living that way from minute to minute it seemed.
I honestly think that your wife is just sorting through things. Let her. Let her do it alone. Temp taking, R talks, etc. only serve to pollute the process and does not work in your favor (I am speaking from a place I know).
There will be stretches of time where you probably won't hear from her. It's key that you learn how to handle it. Stay busy (as you have been), visit friends....leave your phone at home or in the car!
Based upon what she has said to you she is at least CONTEMPLATING coming back....that is a good thing. She also hasn't filed for divorce (I don't think) -- that is huge as well.
Do your best to give some space and don't make your happiness dependent upon whether or not she reached out to you. This whole ordeal is a marathon for sure - and it won't resolve on our timelines.
Thanks for the shot in the arm, Crimson... It's amazing sometimes how much those help.
I just re-read my threads, and I do honestly see the progress...encouraging.
As my C said when I was worrying to her about holidays, I need to think big, big, big picture. In the grand scheme a few days dark won't matter...
Just re-read sandi2 37 rules, too..this one: 24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
Taking all the discipline I have right now
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
You are exactly where I have been, DM. I am here to tell you like most things, the more you practice it the easier it gets. I totally bites right now and feels like you have to staple your hands to the table to keep from reaching out to her - but it WILL get easier. Stay on target, work on your changes and 180s, be calm, polite, and upbeat at all times, work on getting a life - and just wait for things to fall into place. You need to heavily underscore patience. It is key in all of this....I'm still not exactly where I want to be, but I am better than where I was a year ago - and I accept the fact that there's still a ways for me to go. As I have said here before - time is the beauty of the road being long. It works FOR you, not against you.
She brought us dinner last evening while I was out. Texted her a thank you. She texted back your welcome
That's something I guess.
Paper work for her new car insurance is here. She needs to handle it.
Afraid to contact her in this condition.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
O good golly grief what a putz I am. I have zero skills in judgment at this time.
I got my head out of the funk enough to text W: Hi, your insurance stuff for the car came. Her reply: About that...let me call you in a minute.
She called, turns out the dealer gave her the wrong car...(vin doesn't match the paperwork) now she's on the way there to get it sorted out. We joked around about that a bit.
I didn't ask why we haven't talked in 6 days. All my worry and fear was nothing. She went to C. Going again Saturday. C doesn't think it's time for us to go together yet, but that's still in the plan.
I ve said this before, I wish I could turn my brain OFF until this is over because it's proving useless to me.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
