Almost Over...

[Dewayne]

Thanks. Yeah her claim was that "I was only suppose to go take them to my brother's so they can buy the weed and I was going to come back"

However, she didn't mention that she took a big pot and a bunch of my noodles I bought FOR US to feed them while she left.

She has been acting much more responsible from what I can tell, but I still have the expectations that something may happen again. She seems more of her old self, just like.. well that she doesn't want to be married.

She mentioned a movie a bit ago. Said that she hasnt' seen the new Snow White and said her SIL has it. SO I'm not so sure what to do about that but yeah. I just txted her back "Ok" and that was it. She doesn't get off work till 8, I have to pick up the kiddo and she wants to go to McD's, then my place (assuming my place) to watch a 2 hour movie. I don't see her going home early and I HAVE TO TAKE HER lol.

My friend said "have you been listening to her? Maybe you should listen to everything she's saying, stop listening to your counselors and people on the threads and listen to her" She was talking about what she said was wrong about our marriage, most of which I know is b/s or things that were 8 years ago. I believe my counselors are right in saying she's rewriting history and demonizing me / our marriage to justify things. Why would you listen to a person who is obviously also making stuff up? I can't fathom that a "friend" told me to stop listening to my counselors. Although she did say the same thing tho, stop worrying about her and worry about myself, but that's what I've been working on. I just slip on the emotional train and then slip on the contact rules like the Jerry statement.

I'm working on it, just slipping is all.

Thanks for the help guys. Keep it coming.

[Dewayne]

GOOD GAWD that didn't go very dam well at all.

Got suckered into it. I screwed up. Pissed her off. So we went to McD's. First off, some kid pissed in the playhouse up there and my daughter walked through it. Then I asked if she was still wanting to see the Snow White (borrowed) movie. She said "No, I didn't get laundry done so I need to go home and still have things to do"

Later she texted someone and laid her phone down. I saw it said something about "..I don't want to watch a movie with him tonight"

So I got caught looking and she said "what?" So I told her You don't want to see a movie with me? Why say you did then? The text said "I don't want to watch a movie with him tonight. I'm tired and just want to go home". So this started it up. I tried to hold off but couldn't. By the time we got to the house she was upset and said "you're grasping for straws. You need to just move on, you're tearing yourself up. I'm happy here, I'm happy with my life here" I said "You're HAPPY? You're living in a trailer with your brother's family, there's like 8 people here, your car's trashed. Your hours are getting cut week by week at work. You're barely able to afford daycare now.. THIS is happy to you?"

... Lay it on me. I know. Smack me good

I got roped in and now I gotta start over. Some things she said on her own:

"I don't want to try and reconnect. I don't want anyone right now, I don't want to be with you."

I had said "this is going to be rough on Jordan, she's going to have a lot of hurdles coming up" Her response: "I know, she's already started... I know" Before, she kept insisting "She'll be fine" Now she's seeing issues with the kiddo.

"I'm not mad, I'm getting use to it"

"You should just move on, you're tearing yourself apart"

"Babe, if I come out of this and you've moved on and I regret all this, then I guess I deserve it, but what if I DON'T come out of this? It's not fair for you to wait on me, I'm not asking you to wait on me"

For what it's worth, she did bring the movie with her, as if she really intended to watch it with me.

I know I failed you guys, more importantly I failed us. But, do you guys think this is salvageable? I mean, I found out what part of my problem is... I can't move on with DB'ing with her because it's like I need confirmation that she's going to try to reconnect. I know, ignore what she says... got it. 180, got it. so I guess I need to kick myself harder and not WANT/NEED confirmation that she'll be trying to reconnect. I just keep getting lapsed up when I'm with her. I guess I'm not ready for so much contact with her.

The only real ANSWER she ever gives is "things change babe, just things change" So yeah, no real answers, she just doesn't know, right?

I'll try harder next time. I already got her "it's ok, don't worry about it" so should I try to txt her later, tomorrow maybe and see if things are ok or wait on her? I think she's taking kiddo to dentist tomorrow. Maybe she'll let me know something on her own.

[adinva]

OK. Here's your answer. Take your daughter for some one on one time for a while, instead of hanging out with your W. Do what works. That clearly did not work.

You got upset about minutiae. Hello? When she said she wanted to get home and do laundry that IS not wanting to watch a movie with you, so when she wrote it to someone on a text it was the truth and had already been clearly stated to you. You're picking arguments, not attractive.

She said she needs space, give it to her. Give her more than she asked for....like I said before, maybe she will come looking back. Right now you're not giving her any reason to. And you're not listening to her, you're right about that.

Sorry to hear that you downplayed all of her complaints. If you were perfect then you have nothing to work on, and that is not empowering. Listen to them more, look for the truth. DB says believe none of what they say, and that needs to be taken with a grain of salt. You were an equal partner in getting your marriage to this point, and if you can find grains of truth that hit home, then you can get to work, and trust me you will feel a lot better about yourself and your situation when you know you're improving from it.

You want a confirmation that she's going to try to reconnect. So does everyone here when they first get here, and so did I. You want to buy the DB book so you can save your marriage, and come here for the tips and tricks to make it happen. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. There were never any guarantees. Bus accident, stroke, or any number of things can take away your chance at a happy marriage. You might not have had more time with her even if this hadn't happened. It did happen, and you need to get through it and pick yourself back up and make yourself better, whether it's for her or for your next love. There are no guarantees your W will come back.

I think I did a great job of DBing. I worked like crazy on myself, I followed the 37 rules, I gave my H space and time, literally tried to do this by the book. My marriage is still slipping through my fingers. One person cannot make a marriage.

Focus on you. Don't see her for a while.

[Dewayne]

Thanks. yeah I ruined it for good I think as far as maybe stopping the Divorce. It should be done in about a week or two.

She is still wanting to see Jack Reacher next week. Should I go then or not?

What do you guys say about her statement of this:

"im sorry it was like this but thank you for the papers. i want to still be friends and see where we lead, if ur still up for it. i just want to soul search right now and if we were meant to be then i do believe we should start fresh; forget the past altogether for our new lives."

I know what it says about what they say, but is there anything in this I need to "see"? Or should I ignore all of it? Particular part for me is the friend thing. Some people say "NO! Being friends after is a no no and will kill all chances" Some say "Sometimes you have to start back from the beginning so give it a shot"

After last night I came home and thought long and hard again. I still feel she's confused (whether she feels it or not) because this is completely unlike her, and I feel in my heart that she's going to come out of it. I realized I do still love my wife.

At teh same time I'm just so sick of hurting and being in this position. It's not fair to my daughter to have such a pair of loving parents who got along and loved each other to suddenly have one of them simply not care anymore, and not want to try harder. I've always expected if we had issues then one would say "Ok, we need counseling, this isn't going well"... but that apparantly doesn't happen a lot.

Think i'm going to go shoot some face on Battlefield 3 and get my mind off things.

Adinva, thank you so much. Sandi, thank you for the reply as well and please, feel free to slap me around or give me whatever you feel I need.

[AnotherStander]

My friend said "have you been listening to her? Maybe you should listen to everything she's saying, stop listening to your counselors and people on the threads and listen to her"

Have you read DR? I haven't seen you post anything about what you've learned from DR, the steps you're taking in the DB process, etc. Advina has told you twice to read Sandi's 37 180 tips, have you? It's a sticky at the top of the forum, very easy to find. Print those out and read them several times a day until you know them by heart. LIVE them! DB'ing is counterintuitive. It sounds to me like you are only doing what YOU think is right, but what we think is right is actually the wrong approach. That's why it's important to read and re-read DR, it is what works even though it may not "feel" right.

She was talking about what she said was wrong about our marriage, most of which I know is b/s or things that were 8 years ago.

So she has told you what is wrong in the marriage and you dismiss it as either b/s or old stuff that doesn't matter anymore. You are doing the polar opposite of DB'ing. DR tells you to LISTEN to EVERYTHING your wife says, take it seriously, do 180's on those faults. VALIDATE her emotions, don't dismiss them as b/s. When you do that you make her feel worthless and you justify her feelings that the marriage will never work.

Later she texted someone and laid her phone down. I saw it said something about "..I don't want to watch a movie with him tonight"

DO NOT SNOOP!!!! What did you expect to gain by that? Snooping will NEVER help your sitch! Even if you don't get caught you're probably not going to like what you find. And if you do get caught it makes you look desperate/ clingy/ controlling. It's totally lose/ lose.

I said "You're HAPPY? You're living in a trailer with your brother's family, there's like 8 people here, your car's trashed. Your hours are getting cut week by week at work. You're barely able to afford daycare now.. THIS is happy to you?"

... Lay it on me. I know. Smack me good

LOL! Well you do deserve a 2x4 or two for that Understand, you cannot reason with her. She has to figure things out for herself. You can't speed the process along or help her with it. It is her own journey, you have to back off and give her time and space to complete it.

I got roped in and now I gotta start over.

You also need to understand that you did not get roped into anything. You did it. You are 100% responsible. You snooped, you confronted her about what you saw when you snooped, you escalated it into a shouting match. You have the power to keep this from happening.

Some things she said on her own:

Read Sandi's tips. "32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." This is probably the most important tip of all.

For what it's worth, she did bring the movie with her, as if she really intended to watch it with me.

Yup. But she was too tired to watch it. The proper DB response is to validate her feelings and act "as if" everything is fine no matter what. "I can tell you're tired, it's no problem, we can watch it some other time. Go home and get some rest."

I know I failed you guys, more importantly I failed us. But, do you guys think this is salvageable?

Read DR, look into "backslides". They happen. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it, decide what you'll do differently to avoid it in the future and move on with your DB'ing.

I mean, I found out what part of my problem is... I can't move on with DB'ing with her because it's like I need confirmation that she's going to try to reconnect.

You don't DB "with her", you DB yourself. Again, have you read DR? What does "It Takes One To Tango" mean?

so should I try to txt her later, tomorrow maybe and see if things are ok

See Sandi's tips. "2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first." Applies to texting too, let her initiate. Sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait a few hours, sometimes don't reply.

[Dewayne]

Yeah. Thanks for the 2x4's.

Thanks to you guys I have realized my problem. I said it before. I get flustered when I'm with her. I have all this DB and 180* down pat BEFORE contact, get to contact, it goes out the window. I'm usually a fast learner, but I guess in this kind of situation I'm very very slow.

I did make a GREAT move! I had a notebook with things I wanted to do, like play a game of questions and statements. it's a game we use to do back in the marriage and when foreplay was boring at times. When I parked, I took the tablet and threw it on the dashboard and left the pen in the truck! YAY ME! lol. About the only dam thing I did right last night.

yes, I read DR. Twice. I read sandi's rules. I get them NOW... i get them when I'm HERE at home.... when the txting hits, I already sparingly reply. I have that down. The calls, I don't call her. Last night I did after I left to apologize and she said don't worry about it. I did text when I got home because I needed to know what the dentist appointment was about (for kiddo)

Its just, the sh.t goes otu the window when I see her. She makes me so flustered I can't explain it. Not all of the night went bad. Maybe I should get a tattoo of "DB" on my hand so I can remember lol.

I'll study it more today after shooting face and get more comfortable.

Thank you so much for the help and 2x4's.

[chatterbug]

If your separated why do you let her come over to do laundry?

Is there no laundromats in your city?

Next time you happen to see her texting to OM2 or OM3 infront of you.

SET A BOUNDARY. Do not ignore it.

It is disrespectful and abusive.

You need to stop thinking that you are causing the divorce. It is just a midwarp your going through to deal with the serial cheating. It's your fault so no doubt you need to fix it.

You need to start thinking that she cheats because this is the woman she is. She does this because she wants to. Nothing more nothing less.

Your issues. Own them. Correct those. Only those.

Focus upon yourself first. Child next.

Stop thinking about your wife.

[Dewayne]

no no no.. She does NOT do laundry here. He11 i don't either haha. yes there's a mat here but if I made it sound like she comes over for that then I'm sorry. no she only comes over for JoJo. only leisure time here was Christmas. Exchanged 1 small gift each and watched Spiderman.

Yes, I'm working on all the issues I know I have / had.

Mainly, I was angry, can honestly say it's no longer a problem. Not hit a single thing, not cussed at a single driver on the road (was my worse deal, road rage) no longer there! :P

Next was attention and laziness. taken care of. I do all the housework here at my pad now. I do the dishes. the only time I don't is when they've cooked (2 other bachelors) and it's late and I don't want to get up to do them at midnight. Sometimes they do it when they get up in these cases. Case in point, I do all the stuff I use to lack.

I know I'm not causing the Divorce.

I'm focusing on me, yeah I slip. But I'm eating healthier, working out. I'm back down to 230, was 260 when this started.

thinking about the wife... that's what the PS3's for! lol. At least I'm feeling better enough to fire the games up.

[chatterbug]

Got it.

You should look to change the games into another hobby as well. Something new. Something different.


P.S. Knowledge of ones surroundings is better than being in the dark. So do not beat yourself up too much for getting angry over something that hurt you deeply. Learn to become indifferent to it so you can stop with the feeling-thinking patterns.

[adinva]

This is not something you can switch overnight. You post questions and when you're told answers you argue that you already knew that. It's ok, it's what a lot of people do when they're new here.

It's while people will be telling you to read the 37 rules several times a day. You didn't "get" them, it can't happen that quickly.

And that's why you're here asking should I call her? Should I see this movie with her? You would already know the answer if you were practicing DB. It takes time for it to sink in.

Where do you want to go from here? Are you working on your life goals? Had any new job interviews? Who do you want to be?

I can tell you the video games are a nice escape but they don't count as getting a life in the sense that DB means, of creating a new network of people and hobbies that are interesting and attractive and that you can be passionate about. That will be attractive to your W, and to anyone else.

So your W is living with 8 people in a trailer? Is that the many names she was rattling off in one of your earlier posts? I thought they were 8 people inside her head, my mistake. I asked you a bunch of questions about the life your daughter is living and what you as a dad were going to do about it. I know it's easier to ask here if you should go see Jack Reacher, but I really do hope my questions are prompting some thinking about who you are as a dad.