He would not have spoken to your dad if he wanted out. And it was not to make you look bad. He was looking for guidance. Does he have a dad?
Well, this is true. I guess my father called to ask him a question and somehow they got talking. He has in the past tried to make me look bad to my friends and parents, but not this time.
H does have a dad but he's not much of an advisor. This is one of the reasons H's life skills are sometimes not quite up to par. Because we've been together for so long and I've been handling his affairs, it hasn't been much of an issue up to this point.
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stop referring to other men or your next man.
Sigh. You're right if I am to DB, but if I am to be completely honest with myself, I don't think I'd be doing anyone any good for me to go back into this M without exploring some other options. I can't say with any certainty at all that H is the best partner for me. In fact I say it with a lot of doubt. Many of you on this board truly believe that your H's and W's are good partners for you. I believe in the sanctity of marriage but not when it comes at my own expense, and over the months I've come to understand and/or admit to myself that maybe this R does need to end.
A little about my own past - I didn't have a lot of experience before I married H. I had one bf for 5 years (4 years too long) and started dating H very soon after. So I haven't had the chance to really "date." I am sure that it is a frustrating experience in and of itself, but I think that if I am to move forward in this R or in any other R, I need to figure out what I want. I don't think I can do that without dating other people. It is very sad but given my history in this R and frankly, in the R before it, I need to be very very sure that I'm with the right person before committing to anything or anyone else, or even recommitting to H.
Hopeful is right when she says it would be a new M, if H and I were to R. It would have to be a completely different dynamic. How nice it would be to have that with H... I'm just trying to be realistic about the possibility of that happening.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Sigh. You're right if I am to DB, but if I am to be completely honest with myself, I don't think I'd be doing anyone any good for me to go back into this M without exploring some other options.
I struggle with this whole line of thinking because I think your behavior is the right approach (detaching, focusing on you, standing up for yourself, etc), but I think your reasoning sounds like the WAS.
Originally Posted By: RegretfulLA
A little about my own past - I didn't have a lot of experience before I married H. I had one bf for 5 years (4 years too long) and started dating H very soon after. So I haven't had the chance to really "date."
Do you think you're justifying? We can all justify whatever we want, whether it's to leave, to stay, to cheat, etc. etc. Recognize that and be true to yourself.
Any new R will feel refreshing but will become like the old one after a while. Remember, old habits come into new R's. You're in, you're out, you're in, you're out.....looking at new R's. This is what will make it not work. You are fulfilling your own prophecy. Your H in MHO is justified himself in the mistrust. Fear is what is driving you both. Fear of coming up on the short end of the R. Thus you both are trying to control. Forget control and partner. GAL, look after you and the R will take it's course. I think your expectations are too high. Like my W's. Sorry, but I have to be frank here.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I second what Breakdown, Crazyville and Floydman have said.
No OM will be the father of your boys and that's a huge minus in my opinion. I'm worried you're going down the WAS route and may regret it--irritating as your H is!
Please don't make any rash decisions, Regretful. Your H will feel vindicated in his mistrust of your commitment to the M and, as CV says, there may be no way back.
Hang in there one day at a time. I really don't think the perfect OM is out there and I doubt your boys will be impressed by you being treated well by an OM.
Obviously, you will do what you need to do and I know you've put in a lot of work... Have you read ab Byron Katie and her husband Paul? She stayed despite how difficult he was. He finally left her. I like how she talks ab their R.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendy, that's a great suggestion. I just poked around a little and I really like the thought process. I stole this little tid-bit from Katie:
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And you may think that if you divorce him, then you’ll feel good. But if you haven’t investigated your thinking, you’ll attach these same concepts onto whoever comes into your life next. We don’t attach to people or to things; we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to be true in the moment.
If we don't fix us, we just repeat the same behavior over and over. And someone new isn't going to fix you....only you can fix you.
FM, why do you say my expectations are too high? My expectations of what?
If I am to be honest with myself, it is easier to detach while holding the thought that there is somewhere else to go. To detach and then have no light at the end of the tunnel (the way I see it) is indeed scary. The idea of light at the end of the tunnel gives me a lot of hope, and I am sure I am not alone in saying that or feeling that way.
Also, please re-read my last post... I am trying to be honest with myself in admitting that maybe I do need to see other people. Maybe that is justifying my behavior, but it's certainly a possibility that shouldn't be ignored. I don't want to force myself into a situation that isn't right because it's a little scandalous for me to think I am potentially missing something.
Personally, I think the driving force behind all of my behavior is my need to feel loved and accepted. Granted, that has to start with me, and I wasn't very good and loving or accepting me. I listened to other people's opinions about how I was inadequate in so many ways and finally internalized it and it became my own thinking.
But through this process, I've also realized that I have no interest in being with someone who does that to me. It is supremely unhealthy. If there were no kids, you all would be telling me to GTFO, stat. So that doesn't leave me with a whole lot of hope or good alternatives regarding our future together. He has to step up to the plate and he just isn't willing to do it.
Furthermore, H just told me that he will be making significantly less commission than he originally thought. He is one for doom and gloom but he just said "the gravy train is over.". He says this every year, but what it means is that him moving out is going to be very difficult. On the one hand, I am a little glad that he is going to have to sweat a little bit. Things have been way too easy for him IMO.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Wendy, I should look for the info about Byron Katie. She's an interesting read.
Regarding what Crazyville said - I am feeling a bit like the WAS these days. It's sad. I don't want to be the WAS. But here we are going on 7 months. Some of you may say that's a blip. Sure, maybe it's a blip. I am just at the point where I can't stand not having my own space in this house, and I don't like the way I'm being treated. The boys play their videogames in the den and I can't be in my own bedroom when H is in there. It is truly awful and has to stop, there has to be some movement in one direction or another. That to me means, H moves out or H decides to work on it. Or I move out, and I'm not willing to do that. But I won't be a prisoner in my own house. As soon as I start sacrificing my own best interests, that's when the trouble begins. It's like I rebel against myself.
So if H moves out and I go on a few dates, what will that mean? For me, I think I need a little reassurance as part of my "recovery." I am not looking for another R or an OM by any stretch of the imagination. I am just looking for some relief at this point, and it doesn't mean that I don't want to reconcile with H. It just means we both need some space and a break. The writing is on the wall guys and it has been for a while. I just haven't wanted to read it.
Odd thing happened today. Really odd thing. H decided to clean off the desk in "my" room (the den) and sat down at it with his computer. That desk has been there for months and he has never made any attempt to sit there. Furthermore, H has been tidying up a lot more than usual. Usually his crap is everywhere and now all of a sudden he's cleaning it up.
I think this would be a great sign under ordinary circumstances but now that I want him to leave he's just starting to settle in. I don't get it. I guess this financial thing is pretty serious; not like we're going to be destitute but we may be struggling a lot more than we had anticipated.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I just think it's a slippery slope, that's all. It's one thing I've drawn the line at, even though I consider myself a WAS. Because I think the draw would be too much. Many people here talk about their spouses acting like they're on drugs regarding the OM/OW. I could easily see that happening. Just think about how you reacted to the uber cute guy at the party. Can you imagine lifting your restrictions for someone like him? And then honestly thinking you might be able to have a clear head about your M/H? It would be a great ride, I'm sure, and do a lot for your ego. But then what? I just hope you can settle your decision on the M before taking that step.
This is a tough one....Regretful, you are not at the point where another relationship would benefit you. You will use it as a crutch and use it to make yourself feel good about you. You gotta do that work yourself.
Take all the things you have learned over the past while and use them. Make yourself amazing without someone to validate it for you.
No one is saying not to drop the rope, they are saying don't walk away. Two very very different things IMO. Walking away doesn't require you to do the hard stuff, it won't give your kids a different dad and you will still have to at the very least coparent with H
Trust me and everybody else when we say do not look for another R right now. This is not the time for you.
If we all had differing opinions, then you could tell us to f&$k ourselves. But we don't. We know you and love you and we also know that your happiness will come, because you are amazing and you are already walking our path.
But don't give up because you are tired, give up because you've reached the end.
