TheUF - Changing gears - Dropping the rope?

[theUF]

We spent half a day together the other day along with S. I had decided to keep time together at a min. but I had the day off and didn't want to be away from S. So I took her up on the offer to shop and get something to eat.

We had a great time. No arguing, no sarcasm. Just talking, laughing and joking. It's funny how sometimes we get along "better than ever", and that seems to be the case in some other sitches as well. It seemed to sting for her to see the 3 of us together having fun, like she was reminded of the good times.

It was really nice and a bit bittersweet. Not b/c it hurts to be with her, but b/c I could see how S was bursting with joy that both his parents were there. He was smiling and laughing saying "Mommy daddy mommy daddy".
But I appreciate the positives, and we got talking more in depth about parenting which is good.

I slipped up one time and referred to my apartment as our appartment, but quickly corrected. It was nothing more than a habit.
There was a couple of times when I was focused on S were I would look up at her and she was just sitting there looking at me for a while before looking away. I wondered why but didn't ask.

She also asked me about my living arrangements and life in general and made a comment about her seeing my....change I guess. How I seemed to understand "it" more than before. I said yeah well, that's positive isn't it? She said "well, it's a bit provoking actually, that it took you so long". I acknowledged and said jokingly that while my hearing is good, my head is slow.

She changes hair color all the time, and like the dumb4$$ I am I forgot her true hair color, that seemed to dissapoint her even though we laughed a bit about it. She even mentioned it again today, stating that unlike me she has been hearing the words coming from my mouth. Not like me who doesn't even know her true hair color.

Although we don't argue and her comments were not said in an angry tone, I think they reflect her hurt. I can listen, but often forget. I need to become a better listener(in general).

I feel a need to apologize as I am truly sorry for my mistakes, but don't think I will. I apologized after BD, and I think it will only come across as pursing AKA with an agenda. And anyway, actions speak louder than words, right?

Spending time together doesn't help much with detaching. I guess I need to keep time together scarce, and work more on my GAL. Despite all of this, I'm glad I got my awakening. I'm a much better father, and I will continue to work on being a better man.