Almost Over...

[AnotherStander]

My friend said "have you been listening to her? Maybe you should listen to everything she's saying, stop listening to your counselors and people on the threads and listen to her"

Have you read DR? I haven't seen you post anything about what you've learned from DR, the steps you're taking in the DB process, etc. Advina has told you twice to read Sandi's 37 180 tips, have you? It's a sticky at the top of the forum, very easy to find. Print those out and read them several times a day until you know them by heart. LIVE them! DB'ing is counterintuitive. It sounds to me like you are only doing what YOU think is right, but what we think is right is actually the wrong approach. That's why it's important to read and re-read DR, it is what works even though it may not "feel" right.

She was talking about what she said was wrong about our marriage, most of which I know is b/s or things that were 8 years ago.

So she has told you what is wrong in the marriage and you dismiss it as either b/s or old stuff that doesn't matter anymore. You are doing the polar opposite of DB'ing. DR tells you to LISTEN to EVERYTHING your wife says, take it seriously, do 180's on those faults. VALIDATE her emotions, don't dismiss them as b/s. When you do that you make her feel worthless and you justify her feelings that the marriage will never work.

Later she texted someone and laid her phone down. I saw it said something about "..I don't want to watch a movie with him tonight"

DO NOT SNOOP!!!! What did you expect to gain by that? Snooping will NEVER help your sitch! Even if you don't get caught you're probably not going to like what you find. And if you do get caught it makes you look desperate/ clingy/ controlling. It's totally lose/ lose.

I said "You're HAPPY? You're living in a trailer with your brother's family, there's like 8 people here, your car's trashed. Your hours are getting cut week by week at work. You're barely able to afford daycare now.. THIS is happy to you?"

... Lay it on me. I know. Smack me good

LOL! Well you do deserve a 2x4 or two for that Understand, you cannot reason with her. She has to figure things out for herself. You can't speed the process along or help her with it. It is her own journey, you have to back off and give her time and space to complete it.

I got roped in and now I gotta start over.

You also need to understand that you did not get roped into anything. You did it. You are 100% responsible. You snooped, you confronted her about what you saw when you snooped, you escalated it into a shouting match. You have the power to keep this from happening.

Some things she said on her own:

Read Sandi's tips. "32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." This is probably the most important tip of all.

For what it's worth, she did bring the movie with her, as if she really intended to watch it with me.

Yup. But she was too tired to watch it. The proper DB response is to validate her feelings and act "as if" everything is fine no matter what. "I can tell you're tired, it's no problem, we can watch it some other time. Go home and get some rest."

I know I failed you guys, more importantly I failed us. But, do you guys think this is salvageable?

Read DR, look into "backslides". They happen. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it, decide what you'll do differently to avoid it in the future and move on with your DB'ing.

I mean, I found out what part of my problem is... I can't move on with DB'ing with her because it's like I need confirmation that she's going to try to reconnect.

You don't DB "with her", you DB yourself. Again, have you read DR? What does "It Takes One To Tango" mean?

so should I try to txt her later, tomorrow maybe and see if things are ok

See Sandi's tips. "2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first." Applies to texting too, let her initiate. Sometimes reply right away, sometimes wait a few hours, sometimes don't reply.