Stop The D

[adinva]

I disagree that physical separation leads toward ending the marriage.

The marriages that are in trouble here are already pretty much ended. Staying in the house or living apart, I see as just points along the timeline.

How you do it could change the pace of it, but if it's done with detachment, love, compassion, how could it push the marriage toward ending?

If it is wearing on you to live together in a fake marriage, but you're afraid of losing your position as the one who stayed, or your leverage in child custody, or your property rights (consult with a lawyer), then live in separate rooms. If your spouse wants out of the marriage, your spouse should be the one to leave the home.

I lived with my H and shared a bed with him for 18-1/2 months after he told me he didn't love me, would never love me, would never ML with me again, and wanted to draw up papers and separate our finances asap. Because he didn't leave, and I wasn't going to. My H seemed to have extreme inertia about getting this separation that he wanted so much done. I really think he was hoping I'd take action and get it done for him.

He seemed frozen for all those 18-1/2 months. He was religious about never touching me or looking me in the eye, or spending time in the same room with me if it could be avoided. We had the occasional family dinner but he'd come and eat and disappear again. He attended maybe four counseling sessions and each time was very clear that he didn't want to do anything to give me any expectations that we'd work this out. So physically I think his presence in the house caused him to keep this discipline front-of-mind, to make sure that he never did anything that might confuse me about his intentions or give me hope.

So I thought staying the house together gave us a better chance, and looking back I think it delayed what was already decided.

With two teenage boys I did everything the way I thought best for them and would do it the same if I had it to do again.

But based on my experience I would not wholeheartedly recommend inhome separation. Do what works. Try it for a while, evaluate it, if it's working continue and if it's not then make a change.

I made the change after about 18 months because my H was out socializing a lot, quite obviously in front of the teenage boys and their friends, and staying out all night. The boys were asking me why he did this. So I asked him to come home at night while he lived here, and to move out if he needed to stay out all night on weekends. Not too long after that conversation I got a separation document from him. At that point it was clear to me I was protecting his appearance more than the kids psyches with the charade, and I told him it was time for him to move out.

Since he's moved out, my detachment has improved. My moving forward has improved. The hope I was holding has dissolved and I'm seeing a brighter future without him. He's coming around a lot, taking more responbility with the kids, and trying to be very nice fixing my car and offering stuff. He bought us a tv to replace the one he took. He is buying a $50 grill for the counter top that I did not ask for, because he said the broiler dried out our steaks last time.

I'm very busy rebuilding my life, getting a home loan, reviewing the separation agreement, working, taking care of sick kids and rambunctious kids, doctors appointments, holidays, and whatnot, plus my GAL guitar practicing. I'm not thinking too much about him or what he's thinking or what he means. Last time he said anything he said he did not want to be married to me. So I look at him fixing my car as though now that he's out of the house he maybe feels safe doing favors that I won't possibly interpret as hope for reconciliation.

I'm happy with how this played out, and I wouldn't do much different, but omg it has been a relief to have him out of the house. Maybe where he is he can get a little happier and stop being such a grump. At least for his kids that will be a big improvement. I still have waves of grief and sometimes self-pity, and it's very very hard to go public with my sitch when it was hidden for so long.

I just wanted to say the actual moving-out is neutral to positive in my story. The staying in-house turned out to be neutral to negative. And nothing so far has in any way come close to the actual bomb in terms of hastening the end of our marriage.

After that, it's all been just details. Your mileage may vary but that's my experience.