See, what's really interesting is, you suggest that your son sees two people, his parents, who are not living a magical life, working through their problems.
You suggest that the rest of the world sees you as happily M.
From what you post here, there is little being worked through as you submit you are simply living this pretend life until your s graduates.
You are lying to your S if you are pretending to be showing him how to work things out, while you are not.
You are showing your S that it's OK to lie to others by pretending to be happily M, while you are not.
I think it's a great set of questions. A set of questions you'll need to answer at some point in your life anyway, if you want any peace. Not sure it's a good idea to put off either.
Perhaps that's a line of questions worth giving a second look, sooner than later.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I didn't see it as "who's right" or "who's wrong".
Did I miss something in the question maybe?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think, Crazyville, that you are really frustrated by your circumstances and that you feel like there are no good options. You are not happy, that's clear. But you DO feel like you don't want to fail your son by leaving. So, you've decided you need to accept the circumstances, as painful and as unhappy as they are.
You sound like a strong woman Crazyville. Maybe even headstrong. I can relate to that. But to me, it sounds like, in a deep down way, you feel like you don't deserve to be happy.
It would be tragic for S12 to suffer through a divorce, but many adult children of D say that they were relieved when their parents D. I know you say it's not like that but I believe children can tell when things aren't right.
I'm in no way trying to influence you - just trying to get you to think about what's going on inside.
Anyway, just my two cents. I'm a big believer in "if mama's not happy ain't nobody happy." You do deserve happiness CV.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Nobody "deserves" to be happy. We have to work at it just like everything else.
My perspective is not that CV is unhappy as much as CV is tired and worn out. Burned out is what comes across. By what I don't think we yet know for sure although she does blame her H for the majority of it. I don't live her life, so for all I know that's what wore her out. But I wonder.
I do agree that children know. They watch carefully from the time they are born. They know things you don't think they know. They learn and grow up faster than we think they do.
My son is a good example of that. He knows what's happened. That surprised me. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't fight it either and he knows he can't change it. But he knows and he lets me know from time to time, indirectly.
CV is strong. I have no doubt of that. And Regretful you may be right she doesn't feel she deserves to be happy. I don't know about that, but it is plausible.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's funny how things come across, when it seems so different from the inside looking out. I do appreciate everyone's perspective, even if I see it differently. If nothing else, it shows me how people interpret my statements/actions.
I will be the first to say that I'm unhappy in my M. I have expectations about M. Without them, I would have had no reason to M in the first place. Not being able to get around them is definitely frustrating. I'm lonely for a person in my life that I could consider my partner, that I could share an intimate (not just sexual) R with, that I could look forward to seeing at the end of the day. IN THAT RELATIONSHIP, I will agree/admit that I'm unhappy. But I don't really consider it to be much different than when I was single for many years, living with a bad roommate, except that I don't have the occasional date to break it up.
But beyond that, I feel like I'm a pretty happy person. I have many long-time friends that I spend time with. I've had people tell me that they see me as always being so cheerful and composed. It is not pretend or artificial. If you knew me personally, you would know that I just don't do that well. I sat here today smiling because my dog was laying in a sunbeam on his cushion next to me on the floor, and as I was scratching him, he just looked so content. I guess I feel like if I was "that unhappy," I wouldn't even notice something like that. I would be too caught up in my own misery.
I've seen the effect of D on children firsthand. I lived through the hell of my H's post-D on his children from his first M. It touched every aspect of their lives, even something as simple as their friends not knowing what house they were staying at that evening. It's simply not something I care to put mine through. If I sound frustrated on this topic, it's because I've explained my position on it before, several times, and I'm simply not looking for assistance with that decision. It's one of the few things that I can say I'm certain about.
RLA, I've been reading your thread and seeing your struggles with how to make it work with your H, questioning whether or not you even should try. I think you can understand that when the hurdles are so many and so high, it makes you wonder if there's even any point in trying. Throw on top of that the fact that you're the only one trying? Yeah, it can put a damper on your day. I look at my M as suffering from a terminal disease, and that it's not a matter of "if," only a matter of "when." By my calculations, we have 5-6 years. It doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean I am not still considering treatment options. I've just pretty much lost hope and go at it a little less enthusiastically or optimistically. If you want to call that burned out, fine. I've been at this a long while.
CV, there is nothing "pretend" about your life. It is all very real. You, of all people, now that. It is not for me to say otherwise.
What IS pretend, is that you are suggesting that others think you are happily M. Yet... you... personally do not feel you are.
That IS pretend.
In the same way that you tell us that you are showing your son that people who are married, work through things. Yet you are openly here saying you don't want to work on things, and stop doing things when there's a change.
That is pretending to your son.
Or... there is something else going on and we are the ones you are lying to...
Or...
You are lying to yourself...
So I ask, again:
What value are YOU getting by staying in what you are telling us is a very unhappy M?
I will share my thoughts on that:
We... are safe... staying in the M is safe... and you aren't looking for safe... you are avoiding what is more scary than what doesn't feel so good, because what doesn't feel so good is safe and not so scary.
And you tell us that it is because of your son that you stay.
When your son is just the reason you use. Because you are more afraid of looking bad in the eyes of your son.
You are avoiding discussing things which are very obviously pain points, and so live in a world of discomfort, because at least it's safe and familiar.
The circular conversation will continue, as will your sitch, until you face that which you keep avoiding.
