I don't know if I agree with you Tori that a separation is almost always a bad idea. I know that in my sitch, we need to separate if there is to be any peace between us, married or not. We simply can't live together any longer, and a separation may put some things in perspective.
I agree, in my sitch W remained cold and distant when we were under the same roof, there was no progress. I certainly didn't want her to move out, but per DB'ing and per Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" I did not try to make her stay either. Dobson refers to the WAS as being like a bird in a cage, the bird thinks it wants to fly but feels the LBS is caging it in. So the LBS needs to open the cage door. Sometimes just opening the cage door is enough to make the bird realize that maybe it doesn't want to fly after all, but sometimes it does fly away. But the LBS has to allow the WAS that freedom regardless. Leaving or staying has to be the WAS's decision and the LBS needs to support that decision even if they don't agree with it.
I'm not encouraging any LBS to leave or tell their spouse to leave, I'm just saying that if the WAS is saying they want to leave then we shouldn't try to stop them because they'll perceive the cage door as slamming shut and they'll want out even more. They'll feel pressure and they'll feel smothered. They need freedom, space and time to sort their thoughts. Staying, or coming back after leaving, has to be THEIR decision.
Back to my sitch and what S has resulted in, W moved out almost 4 months ago. Starting about a month ago she started acting more like her old self, she's being warmer and more caring and it feels like maybe she's taken a few chains and locks off the gate in the wall she built around herself. Still a long way to go, but the coldness and distancing that was there when we were under the same roof has definitely lessened a lot. And there's been steady improvement over the last month as well. Time will tell if it continues, but certainly things are looking much more positive than at any other time in the last 7 months.
