Stop The D

[Spartan]

Someone told me a while back "don't give your W lemons...life will give her plenty." I think that's really important, so I wouldn't be considering moving out to make her "get it."

That's a good way to think about it. I definitely don't want to separate but it gets depressing being there with her with the moods she's in and the way she treats me/ our M. I know I need to be me and not let her affect my demeanor but it's hard to do all the time because seeing her makes me think about the sitch. (Maybe this is what you guys mean by me not being fully detached. I'm not sure if it's all her or just the sitch in general, especially regarding kids, that gets me more depressed.) When it's just me and kids it's been a complete blast without a care in the world. Most of the time when W is home I do a good job having fun with kids no matter her mood and I'm getting better at faking being upbeat after kids go to sleep. I'd be lying though if I said deep down it doesn't bother me when I stop and think about things.

I'm still a strong lean to stay in the house but it sure won't be easy unless something changes.

Regarding detaching from your W, I'm not sure you have. On one hand you say you have no feelings for her but on the other you're really concerned about not talking to her, not doing things for her, etc. I think the goal should be to just be you. When you are home with the kids, being yourself, enjoying your family...and then W comes home....I challenge you to continue to BE YOU. Don't let her attitude, her comments, her coldness, or whatever impact the fun you are having. You control you.

This is where it's getting confusing for me and maybe I don't really understand detachment. The part I'm struggling with is right now I don't feel anything for her and that bothers me. I never wanted to feel that way about my W (heck I don't want to feel that way about anyone). My struggle is that I hate this feeling that I don't want to talk with her, help her, or even care about her day. I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not.

Detaching is about your happiness not depending on what she does or does not do.

I thought about this and what would make me happy is to not be so detached or uncaring about her (see how confused I am). Should I just force myself to act like everything is fine and keep with the approach I was using before telling kids or should I start going dim and keep the acquaintance thing going? I honestly don't think either option is good (first feels fake (right now) and I don't like the feeling of second).

I would make plans with kids and not necessarily include her. Let her come with you if she wants. Don't ask in front of kids and don't put kids in position where they put W on the spot by saying " are you coming"?

I was planning to take the family to MSU basketball game next Saturday and wasn't sure what to do about W. I'm sure kids would like her to go but I'm not sure where I'm at with that. Maybe I'll ask W and let her decide if she wants to go or not. Do you think that's the right move in current sitch or should I just take the kids w/o inviting W?

I know things look like they are moving quickly, but this has only been a short while.

Yes they are which scares me. Last night W proposed custody arrangements. I hate the thought of not seeing my kids every day but realistically the deal is about as good as I could hope for. I would end up with kids 6 days every 2 weeks (T,F,S,S,T,F nights). I'm in Michigan and standard starting point is Wednesday's and every other weekend for husband so I'm at least ahead of that. From what my lawyer has said our judge is pretty pro W in custody matters unless blatant negligence by W. He recommended I get this figured out w/o going to judge. I'm still going to try to get one more night somehow for even 50/50 split. I hate this!!! The idea of making deals for my kids makes me sick to my stomach.