LBS gearing up for the long haul

[Dm45]

Paraphrasing:if my brother offends me, how many times should I forgive him, seven? Jesus said Not just seven, but seventy times seven.

There's also "Love keeps no record of wrongs" which also makes me not want to make the list. I really don't want to sit and mull over all the ways I've been hurt, done enough of that, and... "..now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."...

But... It also says if your brother(sister, W) offends you, go and tell them, alone, and If they listen, you have regained them.

I think I believe there are different methods of forgiveness for different levels of intimacy and offense, but I'm still working on my thoughts. If you cut me off in traffic I can forgive you and not chase you down and cuss you out or ram your car, and I can forgive without ever meeting you, and be over any anger in a minute or two. Some days I might not get mad or offended at all so no need to forgive.

if you harm a loved one it's going to take much more work for me to forgive.

Likewise for my W...very intimate R, very serious offenses, both ways. She resents me over things I did not know about, due to bad communication both ways. She has acted on that resentment in an incredibly hurtful way, and the pain cascades on and on.
I have made my decision to forgive her, and letting go of the offenses must be a process because the pain is still here. I believe she can help me let it go by acknowledging.

Some of my pain is probably obvious to her, other not. I do feel a need to tell her, at some point. I also think some will disappear and be a non-issue once things are better, ie she doesn't say I love you, and that hurts, but after she starts again, hopefully I won't feel a need to say "by the way all those times you didn't say it really hurt" Perhaps the first I love you will heal all that...I know it helped a lot when she said I miss you, and she's said it a few more times.

I just want all our issues out in the open, not to keep score but to avoid resentment.

All the things I've read about validating her emotions, how to do it, why to do it, etc have made me say "hey, I want to be validated, too..."

I agree with you that resentment gets us nowhere.