That "you are divorcing [h]" comment grated. I've stopped myself a few times from writing back to correct the record. That's the second SIL who has made an assumption that I left H. I'm sensitive about that. What I'm trying to do is to see that in the future it really won't be relevant anymore who left who and who did wrong. I want to take the shortcut to that future (thinking of that old kids' game Chutes & Ladders) and am telling myself to try acting like it doesn't matter RIGHT NOW.
My mantra today is "in the future this will not matter."
Ad,
Just wanted to bare my soul on this issue. I feel you are a lot more evolved than me in respect of this.
However, I just want to ask (because I still can't really see it),
Is it so bad to let people know that we are not the ones driving this? Is it really a good thing to go along with whatever version others assume, or indeed, our spouses promote (i.e. in my case that it was a mutual thing)?
Isn't this hiding the fact of mlc? That so many spouses go through an identical process is amazing to most of us on here - isn't it time this life transition event got a bit more publicity? Likewise should we be complicit in sweeping under the carpet the fact that some people think it's ok to walk away from their family responsibilities?
I can see all the arguments about not trash-talking an ex-spouse, being aware that there are 2 sides to every marriage breakdown, etc.
But that is different to going along with/enabling a self-serving version from one's ex.
And, yes, EVERYONE'S version is self-serving and interested, BUT ...
I need some help here.
I have been left destitute by an H who simply walked out on his debts and responsibilities. I don't feel like going along with his story that we simply decided, mutually, that we couldn't live with each other any more.
Maybe this is the nub of my problem, it's still important to me to be right...
In response to above, I have said that I wanted to work on marriage but H said he was done.
I have also said that I love him and want him to be happy and that it takes two to make a marriage work and he was unhappy.
Now we are talking more and I am taking responsibility for my part, I am back to h and I separated in September.
Unfortunately, the, "H left me" phase put a lot of friends on my side. But a lot did not exclude H until he took up with another separated mutual acquaintance only a few weeks later. Then he kind of did himself in. I don't think telling the truth is ever a bad thing. Even if H was one to leave, you could say," we thought it would be best if H left" you know, if you don't really want to say the so and so packed up and skedaddled....jerk.
You don't need to say anything to sil about who is leaving who it will be glaringly obvious to all in time.
If your h doesn't snap out of it an continues with his Mlc he will take vacations without his kids, date a younger woman, dress differently. My h family was confused at first, cause my h told them it was mutual but it became so obvious and I didn't say a word
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
I know in my situation my H hasnt told anyone except his family. No one at his job knows the real truth....they dont even know Im pregnant! I know so many of his work friends through parties at our house and work functions and it has crossed my mind so many times to email them all and let them know about H's A and how he left his family and Im pregnant too! BUT, where would that get me and would these people even care? I just would feel better if they knew the scumbag H is...but it wouldnt change a thing!
All of our close couple friends know that he walked out...and he has no contact with any of them. (guilt? Embaressement? Shame?) who knows...
His family has completely supported him because when he left, he told them that he was unhappy, that the girls and I disrespected him, and that I got us into debt!!! I was shocked at these allegations! I take some part...100% ...but the things he told his family, and OW were lies to justify his wrong doings. In fact, after talking to OW in the beginning, you would have thought I was awful...he painted a picture for her that made it look like he was a victim and she was saving him from a bad marriage, not ruining his good marriage!
Ad..I agree that your SIL will know the full story soon enough and its not worth a email back to correct her, especially since she was so nice to you.
A little bit of info on my SIL...(H's Brothers wife)...we were close and our kids are almost the exact same age with only weeks apart in birthdays..I was the one who made sure we always saw the m and kept he contact between cousins (all the bday parties, events, summer hang outs...etc) but when I filed Sep papers because I had to protect myself, my SIL texted me and said that she couldnt go to our planned breakfast with the kids because I was "playing dirty". Now, I know this is coming from either H or his bro who are both probably uncomfortable with us remaining friends, but it hurt my feelings big time and we have not talked since. Her H cheated on her years ago with a young girl he worked with but stopped it immediately and changed jobs when they were found out. It never got as far as my story, BUT, I thought for sure she would know how I was feeling and instead, I felt she turned her back on me.
Im glad that your SIL is willing to remain friends. My kids suffer because they do not see their cousins and when they did at Christmas time with H, the cousins didnt even talk to them because I dont think they knew what to say. This would not have happened if we remained friends, as we both would have seen to it that the kids remained close:(
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Ugh. This is so complicated. Some of you have such more black and white situations than me. In my case, since I find the ins and outs of what to say and what I expect and what will end up happening whether I say anything or not....my little mantra was kind of a way to throw my hands up in the air and just jump over the complications to an easier future.
If H's sister and his brother's wife learn that he was emotionally disconnected from us and walked away without giving it a chance, what will that change? Nothing really. No one is hearing lies about what a bad W I was or that I'm playing dirty, because H is literally not telling them anything at all.
No one is going to shake H into reality or shame him, or otherwise say anything really useful to him, because he is not in a place to hear it. I went to counseling practically begging for things to fix in myself, I was ready to hear it and wanted to hear it. H does not, not now and may never.
My IC keeps telling me that it is perfectly fine to tell certain people "this was not my choice." I think that I'm reserving it for people who seem to want to know more. So far the SILs have stayed pretty far back from prying for information. In time, if it seems appropriate, I will make it more clear.
At my guitar meetup one of the guys who was new mentioned in the first few minutes of introducing himself, that he was recently divorced. Someone said "I'm sorry," and he said "Don't be, we grew apart." I just don't want to be like that. This all meant so much more to me than that, and I don't want to present it that way to avoid making people uncomfortable. I don't know what I want.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
How was it La? Did you guys have fun? What a wonderful gift to have a grown up son who wants to vacation with you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
so many changes to start your new year. And still so much to figure out as we move forward. Glad your boys are enjoying the home life more and you as well.
In regard to your s-i-l, I'd say put the focus on the second part about maintaining the relationship with her. I would guess the grammar about who was leaving whom was not even a consideration of hers and that her focus was to compare that fact that the 2 of you will still have a relationship regardless of the marriage ending. Just don't over look the spirit of the message for the "letter" of the message...
Good luck with the garage sale. I've often wanted to do that myself even if my W is still in the house!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
