she's a wonderful person but...

[25yearsmlc]

Hi,

I know I said a lot and I hope you'll examine it as fairly as you can. It's not easy stuff to read, but it is meant to help.

I've lost a parent, and my h has lost one, too. So I've been on both sides of the tragedy. Let me share some observations.

When my father died, it was a big fat draining ordeal. Also a shockinly fast one, b/c he went to the doctor on a Wednesday and by the following Monday (5 days from his doctor's appointment) he was enrolled in Hospice w/a terminal diagnosis of cancer. He died 57 days later. Though It was relatively fast, it was truly exhausting and draining...

It's Such an under rated event to lose a parent, b/c after all, it's "the natural order of things".

I was traumatized by it. Eventually I got treated for depression. (Oh, as for my "Libido"....um, What's that?)

I recall I wanted hugs, mostly from my kids. Not sure why. Maybe b/c they comforted me in a parental way and I'd lost a parent, or maybe at some level I feared that touching would lead to the expectation of sex, which I wasn't in the mood for AND which made me feel guilty (not so much as a wife but as a daughter) and a tad irked by my h, Like "how can you think of that at a time like THIS??"

he didn't push or act rejected or take it personally. I never saw anger in his eyes then.

I didn't see it as him being selfish. He seemed to be offering me comfort, and as we know, making love CAN COMFORT; it's not all about the big 'O.

Making love can express support in grief, or mutual sorrow. It can show forgiveness, reconciliation, it can be celebratory...

So can ALL forms of touch, like back rubs, scratching the legs, brushing hair, etc.....

BTW, thoughts of my dad's illness & death DID intrude at the worst times...

I had A LOT of trouble sleeping too, & needed sleeping pills for months after wards and throughout the short time he was sick.

I had a new job but could barely think of anything else but I worked full time, and had small children for whom I wanted the most "normal" life possible. Of course, I did not know how fast my dad would pass on. I thought I had more time...

In contrast to my father's shockingly rapid passing, my mother in law was diagnosed with an aggressive form of terminal lung cancer, and given a short time to live (<6 months. Ultimately she lived another 22 months).

Based on the info we had at the time, and my own past experience, I suggested my h join her on the east coast for the summer, to spend time with her.
I didn't think I was being particularly "heroic" to suggest that much time away from family AND the loss of income.(Originally it was just a summer)

I simply recalled how much time I missed with my dad when he passed away. I visited him three times in his 57 day illness, thinking I had more time and that the cost of flying back & forth was so costly at the time (yes, I had MAJOR regrets about that, later).

But my mil lived 22 months in a nearly constant state of crisis, often hovering near death...and my h spent almost a year of that time with her, away from us (left coast vs east coast).

It cost us a lot personally and financially, and the kids missed him too. But he's one of only 2 children, and he's an MD so it seemed fair and loving for him to be there as much as he could.

Heck yes it wore on me....After several months apart it also wore on the kids too. And who knew how long it would go on?

But no, you don't get to bring a lot of marital issues up right then. However,

We DID go to Retrovaille in the middle of all this and it helped a lot.

I wasn't feeling "neglected" or if I was, I would not have admitted that. IT's too high maintenance to complain at THAT stage of things....

But I felt we had only just begun piecing, when his mother got sick, and then he was gone again, a lot AND the stress made him very irritable and critical at times.

We were backsliding fast. So I urged him to join me in Retrovaille "or somewhere fast" b/c we needed to get some tools for this b/c

we were facing a new challenge for which we were simply not well prepared (and besides, this happened AFTER DBing and reconciling and starting to piece.... so I was not going to get complacent about anything. But my reserves were also low.

I could put MY needs aside for as long as needed, and knew that. But the fighting--??? No...I was doing more than my share stepping up to the plate as a wife and mother AND as a daughter in law, and knew that in THAT situation I was already maxing out doing my best...I was pretty sure it was h's time to show up for us EVEN while his mother was dying...I had not been mean or irritable to my kids when my dad died, and could not endure an unending time period of mistreatment due to his obvious stress/depression.

Plus, the time from the kids was NOT going to be good for us as a couple, we needed him home more...

Retrovaille was a fast "jump start" to getting back on track for us.
Think about going...in a month or so...

Also, I spent weeks on the east coast to help my mil thru her chemo. Sometimes I brought a child, sometimes I did not. All the travelling added up costs too. And that's a stressor, for sure. You never want to admit it at that moment but it's there.

As for how often we ML, I can't say. It's a blur. Since h was the one grieving, I'm trying to recall how I felt then. I knew that I"d always have regrets if 9M


Probably more than you did but It wasn't my mother dying and when my dad passed, it was quick. I "allowed" intimacy b/c I wanted to feel close to my h but I don't recall it being sexually very satisfying so much as emotionally satisfying. And the part that wasn't "satisfying" was due to my emotions interfering, nothing selfish on my hs' part as a lover.

SIDENOTE my mil had her own mother living with her, a 95 y/o Russian woman living w/limited English and some major attitude. We could not split them up...until death came. To our suprise that did not take long.

The strangest saddest touching thing happened. One night the great grand mother asked me if I thought her daughter (=my mil) would "not outlive" her, the grandmother.

Grandma then asked if my h was going to be able to cure his mother, since "he is a good doctor, he must know how"....

I can't tell you how heartbreaking it was to have a woman sincerely believe that her grandson could cure anything AND that with modern medicine, her cancer ridden daughter would be "healthy again, soon"...plus, she could not understand "why God would do this"...(meaning, he'd let her daughter (= my mil) die before she died and she could not abide the concept of outliving her only child.

She asked me several questions about the cancer her daughter had...She asked why God would do this to HER. I knew they'd had conflicts & issues in the past so I said "I don't know, but maybe you can use this time to make peace"...

anyhow, grandma died a week later...for no apparent reason. Yes- she was old, but in otherwise good health. It's as if she willed herself to die so she would not bury her only child. That was a surprise too.



In sum, it was a big long endurance test for all involved...it wears on you personally and financially we really miscalculated.

She lived with us for some time and I quit my job to care for her. That was labor intensive b/c her cancer had gone to the brain. She could not be left alone for more than 2 minutes & only then, under SOME circumstances...otherwise, it was 24/7 care. She kept smoking too...and would dangerously light cigarettes over our gas stove (she didn't take kindly to ME taking the cigarettes away either. ).

The continued smoking drove my h insane b/c it was the reason she was dying. But I asked him if he wanted to spend his remaining time arguing with her about it...are accepting her choice b/c after all, it was SHE who was paying the ultimate price. Not to mention how fun nicotine withdrawal would feel then...

The compromise was she cut down a lot, and only smoked outside...

She did pass away and her sons were at her side. We had a funeral. I handled most of the probate work with his brother, which wasn't fair to me or the brother, and there were some minor flare ups between them, but the way for me to be supportive was to handle any legal matters I could, pay all our bills, manage the yard and cars & travel arrangements, and care for our home and children. So I did.


SO....my suggestions...

when you know your spouse is in grief, you can still let them know you find them attractive, w/o sexually pressuring them. Doing it openly with an audience so there's no way to assume it's meant to lead somewhere, is but one way...simple compliments about how good they look or how a color or an outfit flatters them, are another.

Let them take the lead on intimacy. If several months pass without any intimacy, and you're not already in counselling, I'd highly recommend marriage counselling for that, and or, IC for their depression.

If they see someone for their depression, that's for THEM, not you. It'll help you in time, obviously. But don't add to their despair or make them feel as if they've let YOU down too... especially if there are any feelings of guilt or remorse they already have vis a vis their parent.

You said --

"As for my timing, is it always a choice? Crises have a way of ripping the lids off cans that've been sitting quietly on the shelf during normal times. That's why crises are often major turning points - they bring things to a head. In our case, the escalating medical crisis with Grandma led to W's increased smoking and my efforts at support led to her revelation about the smoking, which rocked my world and exposed our entire relationship to a big re-evaluation. "

That's ONE way to look at it.

Another way is to see it from her point of view (maybe)

The time I most needed my h, he decides to escalate the 'neglect' he felt and turned into a horrible problem FOR ME/US...

And as for our relationship problems... instead of supporting me or helping me with my mom or my family or taking over our kids and the home or stepping up to the plate AND doing it with love, not a martyr's sigh...he feels HIS NEEDS are not being met now...he wants sex and is shocked that I don't automatically turn on like he does and that I might need TIME to get in the mood and he thinks I'm a failure for not having sexual desire for him at this time...so he's ADDING to my stress, not lessening it...

which is close to being unforgivable at this time"

Banjo, crises are tests for us. I'd NEVER judge my marriage by how I/we felt after the death of a parent or child

or for that matter I'd never judge a marriage in the first 6 months after the birth of a new baby.

We've had major personal/familial adjustments with the gain of another child/responsibility,

and we chronicall lack sleep

and our hormones are way off, and someone (ie the baby) is making life or death demands on us right then!!

Oh, and our sex life stinks for now...

See Banjo, the birth of a new baby has some of the physical affects that the death of a parent has, but b/c a baby is a "happy" event, and people discuss it more

there are fewer complaints right away about the sex life decline...and most know that in time, it improves. With a grief induced drop in libido, it's hard to know when things will get back to normal (or if).

But most partners will get help if they notice that they aren't "getting better" with sufficient time. 6 weeks after my dad's death our youngest, then 4, asked me if I'd "always be sad"...b/c she wanted to know when I'd play with her more or read to her at bedtime, etc.

The next day I saw a doctor and discussed my thought process and that I felt it was "natural to be sad"...he asked whether I wanted pain relief in childbirth b/c
"it's natural"

and he was right... I DID want an epidural so the analogy paid off. I went on anti depressants and noticed improvement pretty quickly. SOME of them decrease the libido, others help. But your w's so frail right now, my guess is she'd improve anyhow.