How about "Oh no, that really s*cks" about the car, in a kind compassionate voice and switch subject.
She will make up her mind about things, i.e. Christmas Eve, car, where she will stay etc., she is a big girl now and no matter how much you want to try on the Daddy boots, I suggest you leave them alone.
No one should have to take care of another functioning adult Dm. Love, support, care and empathize, yes. Take care of? No.
I agree with Bug-others are not reponsible for your happiness. When you can't control your thoughts, I call it the hamsters on the wheel. You just can't get off, it's mindless, exhausting and non productive. I do two things: exercise and I got an anti anxiety med. from doc.
I really don't have an addictive personality, so am okay with it, it is non refillable and is Ativan at the lowest strength. It really really helped when nothing else did. That and having huge conversations by email with friends, where I just posted all the things I felt lol! And posting here of course.
Merry Christmas Dm, and get the grin back on your face!!
When you can't control your thoughts, I call it the hamsters on the wheel. You just can't get off, it's mindless, exhausting and non productive. I do two things: exercise and I got an anti anxiety med. from doc.
know what you mean. I call it the crazy train. I believe in the excercize...kept me sane for many years. I ran 2 miles on thurs or Friday, 1st run in years, although my small business is in athletics and am in decent shape, it was the 1st excercize for ME in a LONG time. I felt like Forest Gump and wanted to keep going, but turned back after a mile to make sure I could get home. Unfortunately I tweaked something in sole of my foot, so haven't been back. Hoping sedentary Christmas takes care of it.
Quote:
I really don't have an addictive personality, so am okay with it
That's where my concern is. I have believed for years that I might have addictive personality. Never to substances but to actives/hobbies. When I discovered alcohol in college I dove in deep. Had myself worried I would be addicted. Quit cold turkey when I beleived it might be affecting performance in a sport I was definitely "addicted" to. I think I was 21 then. When I was about 25 I trusted myself to drink casually again. I find something I like and obsess about it. It's a double edge sword. There are a few things it feels good that I'm really good at, but at what cost?
Merry Christmas to you, and everyone, too!
And...the grin IS back on my face. W instigated a really great R convo today, which lifted a LOT of fog for me. I'll post about it in a day or two, but she's coming over early, spending long day visiting family together. Going to bed early to be my best tomorrow!
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
I know it's not likely that everyone had a great Christmas, but I hope everyone had at least some joy and peace, and felt God's presence in your trial. I believe that one of the ways He speaks to us is through the advice of other followers, and I know the gentle words, examples, and 2x4s I've received here have helped me avoid blowing it completely and get to where I am with this today. I am thankful to you all and for you all.
Speaking of where I am today: My Christmas, and eve, was a thrill ride.
If you've been following, Ws car broke down on 12/23. We had left the sitch at SIL would bring her over. W texted me on 12/24 she's on her way in an hour, did I want her to bring lunch. I said sure.
Maybe 30 minutes later she texted "I have 2 things to tell you that I'm nervous about." considering my emotional state the last couple of weeks, I hope you can imagine where my mind went. It wasn't good. I immediately texted back "Don't do it over texting". She said "it's nothing bad, it's just, well I'll tell you when I get there."
So the free fall stopped, but I was still sliding down the hill.
Then she called to see what we actually wanted her to bring for lunch. I asked how she was getting here, because SIL is neighbor, and she was home. I was bracing myself that she'd be dropped off by OM...
She said that's one of the things she was nervous to tell me, was that she bought a new car...and the other was she got a job offer. Well that was a relief.
1st the car: She asked if I was mad. Sad no, shocked, etc. acted cool, congratulated, etc. The car is not extravagant, actually a smart choice on her part as far as cars go. What I did not express is my concern over our financial condition, etc... That's mostly my fault so no traction there.
2nd the job: she works 4 10 hr shifts and is off on Thursday's at a surgery center. The company has opened another center in the area that is floundering in some way, and they have asked her to go to the other center on Thursday's and help get them going. We see it as opportunity to break into nursing management at this new center, maybe eventually over several centers in the region.
I told her how proud I was of her. About my confidence in her abilities. She sees this 2nd job as not like before, working to make ends meet, but to have an opportunity to grow her career. We agreed we,mainly she, needs to manage her stress level carefully.
Once that was over we relaxed and started enjoying each other again, and R talk on and off, and I don't remember when each thing was said, but here's the gist.
She went in the kitchen, and saw I had been prepping to start on a big meal. I do know this was Christmas eve. She asked why are you cooking all this food, when all we need to take to SILs is one dish. I did not know that was the plan and told her. She asked how could I not know. We always go, etc.
I said I really believe you think I knew, but I obviously didn't. All I knew from you is you are coming over Xmas morning. Don't know what time, if you are leaving after opening gifts. My family not getting together til day after, so I prepared to cook a nice meal. I know you must think you communicated this to me, but obviously I didn't get it. We are not connecting on a lot of things, and I think you assume I know things that I don't.
I saw a look. I think it was understanding, and she said...I am coming over early, we will have breakfast, open gifts, I am staying all day, and going to dinner at SIL at 4. I'm not spending night. Not ready for that yet. I will be alone.
We had an almost normal time on Christmas. Other discussions she initiated around my business, whether to keep, career for me, and...
In the spirit of our previous discussion about Xmas day, she said, she wants me to keep my appt w/C on 12/29, she will do hers on 1/3, and then arrange to go TOGETHER!!!!!!!
She even listed things we will need to overcome ie trust issues, resentment, fear, shame... I mentioned at some point as a man I was ashamed that I let my end go to where it did. She said she has a lot of shame. I took the opportunity to get strong eye contact and say "I forgive you"
So, I am thankful for these events, and counting my blessings.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Great news. Do not move to quickly in your enthusiasm! That's not to say don't be stoked....be stoked. Just don't see the door crack open a little bit and then kick the sh*t out of it trying to break through to the other side. I did that once. Once.
I believe I have done well overall validating Ws feelings about our M. Not just her feelings but the actual facts about our problems and my role in them. I recognize there is more to explore and discover, but I don't think I am in willful denial about it.
As I am sitting here thinking about conversations we will need to have when we R, it occurs to me that there is a danger of "un-validating" her feelings, and minimizing our issues. After all, if we are "back together," things couldnt have been that bad...thats the thinking im afraid of. But, the idea is she comes back for hope of something better than before, not to "settle" for the previous sitch.
I think there's a risk there if we're not vigilant about the condition of the R from here on. I want the M to be stronger because of this trial, like the stories I've read here and elsewhere.
Goodness, I think I just understood a smidgen of her fear about coming back.
I'm going to ask C about this today. Any vets have a 2 cents worth?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Update: Saw C on Saturday, alone, W will see tomorrow, then together in near future. My discussion was a recap of Christmas, how good I thought it was, and C agreed. I asked how to "get ready" for C together. Didn't get immediate answer, though C wants me to think through my hurts and questions, write down. I haven't done it, because I have been able to stay positive and sane 80% and don't want to go that way. I know I need to...
New Years Eve: W and I usually host. Her personality is great for it. This year, well, I made plans for us alone, was eager for it, she was eager, but she came down w/virus/flu that's been going around at work. I am ashamed sad to say I doubted she was sick at first, but she was. I crossed out ashamed...I treated her "as if" she were sick and completely honest, offered to make soup, get meds, I'm actually pleased about that. She's truly sick. It's going to be some time before I take everything she says at face value, especially if its not face to face.
So, S and I spent NYE party hopping in the neighborhood. (they're all family) and I actually had a great time, total GAL. I was the life of party at B's playing balderdash, my answers mostly designed to get most laughs rather than win.
25, I took your advice to another thread and got Judy Carter comedy book....who knows?
So ?'s: IMO W's communication needs to be more direct, (and I need to learn to pick up on her subtleties better) and I don't think I am going to hear the words, "DM, I am now committed to R. You have validated me, now let me validate you." in the near future. Excuse my absurd way of putting it, but catch my meaning.
She has said she's sorry, but in such a general way that it's almost meaningless.
What I'm getting at, is there is a lot of "catching up" to do on hearing my hurts, and I don't think that starts at least until she is back home?I'm not looking to punish, or revenge, I just want to be heard.
I don't want to start that too soon, and C telling me to list scares me a little bit. I get C's point that getting everything in open early is needed, rather than letting things fester into resentment for later...
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
W instigated a really great R convo today, which lifted a LOT of fog for me. I'll post about it in a day or two, but she's coming over early, spending long day visiting family together. Going to bed early to be my best tomorrow!