H's MLC started when BF murdered

[ForeverYoung]

I'm counting on Lucky 13...2013, that is. Whether it works out between H and me or not, the world is my oyster. I will survive and thrive...all the firsts are hard to get through. Next year I am convinced I will be kissed at midnight by someone other than my dog. lol...

I'm glad to hear your positive attitude GG... and here's a virtual New Years smooch for you! X

[GatorGirl]

Thanks, FY!

H texted me at 12:30 this morning to say happy new year. I ignored it until this morning. Seriously? It's our 12th wedding anniversary and you want a divorce and you're wishing me a happy new year? Eff you, buddy...

[GatorGirl]

Well, I survived our anniversary and am looking forward to 2013. I have a lot of positive things in my life: a great new job, a supportive and loving family, two amazing children and wonderful friends. I see a new attorney on Tuesday to just talk about general options and to see if she's a good fit. I suspect H may move forward after I see her. I seem to recall telling him of my appointment. No idea if he's been working on settlement paperwork or whatnot while he's been in his place alone. I don't ask and he hasn't offered.

I think one of the hardest things about being separated is being so lonely. I have a lot to do around the house but when the rubber meets the road, it's really quiet. Once the kids go to bed, I find myself craving adult interaction. I reactivated my FB page but am considering going dark again there in a few more days. I get a little too sucked in and I don't like it. It's better to pop in for a week or so and then bail out again.

[BeingMe]

I understand the loneliness, GG. I'm so glad to have my studies, because I get really ensconced in one project/assignment or another.

All the best for 2013.

[Raine]

I know what you mean GG. In someways it is getting easier. I think of the mess I was in the beginning. But if I take it in context of today it's seems just as bad as any other. It's like counting the minutes to bedtime then trying to sleep and I can't turn my brain off.

[GatorGirl]

Went out with a neighbor last night. She is also separated; her husband had OW through all but one year of their marriage, which was actually quite shocking. He did not seem like "the type" to do that, but I think I'm finding out that there's not really a type to do this sort of thing. We went out for dinner, split a bottle of wine and then came back to my place and watched a movie. It was good to be out, good to have conversation with an adult and good to have someone in a similar place as me as far as divorce goes. She is sure she wants to split from her H. Me, I don't know. There are days I want it over with and days that I want to work it out. I'll roll with the punches and see how it all goes.

Going out again with same neighbor tonight in a group. Should be interesting.

[GatorGirl]

This is a ridiculous question, but am I the only one that sees dates written down on paper and thinks of them in terms of pre-BD or post-BD? Or also in my case, pre-death of H's BFF or post-death? My life in 2012 has several segments and compartments. January-BFF murder, BFF murder-"I'm unhappy", Unhappy-bomb drop and post BD. It's weird. I hate that I've segmented my life like that but somehow, it feels necessary. Maybe I'll know when I've really started healing when I think of things like I used to, which is the age of my kids. Anyone else do this in their heads too?

[job]

Yes, it's quite normal. I did it for about a year after my divorce and then life began again and the dates became just a blip on the radar screen.

You'll get to the other side in due time. Right now, your h is still very much on your mind and yes, the dates are quite fresh in your mind as well. Time is a great healer. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[GatorGirl]

I guess I just don't know what to expect. I know this experience is different for everyone. At least I feel like I'm somewhat normal.

Had lunch with my SIL on Friday and we discussed the obvious. Her H and my H are brothers, so we have a similar perspective on our shared family. She still can't believe H wants a divorce and doesn't believe he "tried everything" as he claims. I showed her a little information on MLC and I think maybe she finally 'got' it. It's amazing how people on the outside have no idea. Her H (my H's brother) also is still shocked and hopes to have a few drinks alone with my H to discuss things when H goes to his hometown for his birthday next month. I warned SIL that he is very tight lipped and will likely say he's fine and everything is fine. His family thinks he needs therapy and I tried to explain to SIL that it's part of the disease-they think they're fine. They don't think they need therapy because, in their mind, nothing is wrong with them. And I don't think there's any amount of convincing in the universe to make them change their minds. SIL sees that the issues are with H and only he can fix them. I actually felt like someone in his family understood me for five minutes because honestly, I've spent the last four months feeling like they see me as the horrible wife. That hurts a great deal.

Strangely, BIL ran into a very good friend of H and his late BFF at a party a month or so ago. She had no idea we were splitting up and said H was likely a changed person after BFF's murder and appeared to be shocked by his irrational behavior. Go figure. It's just amazing that he's not telling anyone about this. I'm honest and open almost to a fault and I know it's really not doing me any favors in the midst of his MLC. I refuse to pretend the universe is fine when it is not, and H seems perfectly content to do just that. He's been putting on this facade for over a decade, so why would it stop now? He's merely covering his depression as he has done for as long as I've known him and I fear it will catch up with him sooner rather than later.

I know that time is my friend in all of this. I truthfully don't want to be married to the Monster that has taken over H and I know that he will never be the same when this process is complete. I feel like divorce is a reversible process and maybe that's what needs to happen now as much as I am on the fence about it. There are moments when I just want it done and moments when I feel like I could wait for all of this to pass. I'm still not going to be the one to file but I plan on being totally prepared for when he does. I'm working with my attorney on the necessary paperwork so I am not rushing to get things done when I'm served. It's a horrible feeling but I will make it through.

[ForeverYoung]

Not only do they not think there is anything wrong with them, but they think that they have had a great enlightenment and now see clearly, and are finally on a sensible path.

I truthfully don't want to be married to the Monster that has taken over H and I know that he will never be the same when this process is complete. I feel like divorce is a reversible process and maybe that's what needs to happen now as much as I am on the fence about it. There are moments when I just want it done and moments when I feel like I could wait for all of this to pass.

If you detach enough there is no reason for you to file, unless you are in a big hurry to move on. You can separate your life from his without ending the M.