Okay, It has been a crazy ride. I got home at the end of August, and it was hard. I let my emotions control me and I was angry, sad, felt guilty because of our daughter, and I did alienate my W further.
About a month ago I found out W slept with her SO (Which she has feelings for still, they just didn't work out because of circumstances on his end. I don't know the reason, other than he told her that "she deserves someone who can make more time for her" Yeah basically BS after he got what he wanted). Like I said, They aren't together, but it sort of slapped some sense into me. W and I have been getting a long well enough and I have even moved back into the house to help with bills for now (Or longer, I really am not sure. It is her call. She says I need to go, I leave.).
I am struggling with being emotional though. Just crying. Like the other day we watched a movie and I gave her a back and foot rub like I usually do. Which is really the only physical contact we have...
Anyway after the movie I got emotional and sentimental which led to a few tears, and the next day (1 year anniversary of our separation) she was really in a bad mood. We are a bit behind on bills, but both recently started new jobs, which pay well and we will be caught up in a month or two. Anyway she said "It is too late" and hinted at me leaving, and her needing space.
Today and yesterday has been better though.
I have gotten positive signs. The other day, before the movie incident, when cuddling with our D-4, W put her head on me. Later W said she wanted to see if she felt something and that she didn't like it. But the urge was there, right?
I know I have to cease all tears and talk of love etc.
Oh and W also asked if I would consider Commercial fishing once more if we worked it out, but then backtracked and said she wouldn't stay together just for finances. I know it has not even been a whole month, I need to manage my expectations better. I just have almost no one to talk to in real life about this.
Basically she fluctuates from being fine around me to saying "I don't like being around you and my life is easier alone". I know I can do this.. I just am scared.
Any advice is appreciated. I really want to be hopeful. She did put an end to her "Deadline" for trying to win her back. She was going to file in Feb.
I am scared. I know its wrong to think this way, but I feel like her just hanging out with no effort other than hanging out won't lead us to falling back in love. Yes I know my methods of pleading or making a case for our marriage don't work either.
I have been better. Now I just need to turn them off completely and let her come around to the idea of reconciliation. I know I can't expect one good month to fix everything. Why do I get so stupid in the moment though?
