The 'act as if' and 'h a a c' approaches can be so effective, often most so so when the WAS comes in itching for a fight or expecting tension. It's hard to pick a fight or read a fight in someone who seems happy (or, if you do, not to realize that you are the source of your own negative feelings). And, like you said (and hard as it may seem sometimes), your actions can lead not only your own feelings but those of others around you.
I hear concern from you about S14's feelings re: the sitch and how his dad treats him in so much of what you say and frustration of WAS about his relationship with S14 in much of what you relay he says and does. It's not your responsibility to fix that, but it is ok to communicate with each of them about your feelings and to see if they want to connect/reciprocate about it in any way. Do you share about this stuff?
"S14, I know that last year must have seemed crazy and I know that you sometimes feel estranged from and angry with your dad. And then there's days like yesterday where you guys hang out and actually connect. I can only imagine how hard that instability is on you -- feeling that you can't count on him to be there." And see if he wants to talk about it. Or perhaps if he even has ideas on what might promote more stability in their relationship.
or to stbx
"Stbx, I know that last year has been tough on your R with S14. I can imagine that you sometimes feel estranged from him, especially when he doesn't agree to spend time with you. That has got to be hard; I know it would make me hurt. And it was great to see you guys connect yesterday, I bet that felt good. It is important to me also that you guys have a good R, because he needs you as his dad in his life, no doubt." and maybe open the door to talking about him having a REGULAR/SCHEDULED (not haphazard, on his convenience) day/night, etc. Or if he has ideas on what might promote more stability and connection in their relationship.
Happy New Year, NLW!! I see great things for you this year.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
