Stop The D

[Spartan]

Journaling...

Did a lot of GALing over the weekend and it felt SO good. Hung out with a bunch of friends, saw a movie, got to watch the entire Spartans bowl game, went tailgating and to the Lions game, and finished a book. I had a really good time and surprisingly didn't give the W a single thought. Friends were all cool about it and didn't really talk about the sitch so we could just have fun. Kids seemed to have a good time with cousins which is nice. D7 and I texted a few times which she got a kick out of it. She would call me before to tell me she's going to text me . D7 is doing ok again but told me she didn't talk with mom about D. I wasn't sure why she said that and I didn't want to pry so I just left it.

They came home NYE and it was fun with kids watching the ball drop, dancing, and wearing our funny hats. I have to admit I would have rather spent the night with just the kids because the W did bring it down a bit with her attitude. Since we told the kids I've been completely detached from her; it's to the point where I still don't like even being around her. We haven't fought but I doubt I've said 100 words to her in the last week, she hasn't tried to initiate any conversation either. The lawyers are involved now and it looks like the D process is in full swing. She is supposed to give me her custody proposal tonight along with a list of things she wants to take with her. She did ask about getting a storage locker to start cleaning out the house to put it up for sale. I said it would make more sense for us each to get one which she seemed surprised at. Didn't see why we would move everything out and then separate it later.

Over the weekend I was looking for a file on the computer and I stumbled onto a folder of old letters I had written her (yes I used to type them before hand writing them because it's faster for me). I had forgotten I even had these. It's amazing that I've had the same complaints, requests in the marriage for over 10 years and I don't really feel any different now. I've made a lot of changes since writing those letters and some of the stuff isn't applicable now but I realized I've been hurting for a long time. I got a little down after reading a couple of the letters knowing I put myself out there several times with no response from W. I agree with her that she never really did try to make the marriage better (her words). I wish I knew then what I know now and maybe I could have done things differently but I can't go back.

I did get a little down yesterday taking down the Christmas decorations thinking it's likely the last time as a family. Seeing all those ornaments being packed up really $ucked. I think it's going to be a long, difficult year. Here's to 2014...

[Spartan]

Any advice from you vets on what I should be doing? I know I'm still hurting now from telling the kids so likely reason for my complete detachment. My current mindset is to just go with the D with S even crossing my mind. Should I continue staying dim while staying at house and let the process continue and just continue to work on myself and enjoy the kids? I can't see being the super nice guy anymore that I've been the last 4-6 weeks. She's admitted to seeing my changes and I think knows what she's giving up. If I'm honest it's really hard being around her now though and it feels like a cloud is around us when she's around. Kids and I have so much more fun when it's just us which is why I'm considering leaving once custody is signed off. Any help would be appreciated because I don't want to make a terrible decision since negative emotions towards W are now the dominate emotions.

[labug]

I don't think you're completely detached, but keep working on that.

Are you angry, are you hurting? It's OK to admit that, just don't make decisions based on those emotions.

Should I continue staying dim while staying at house and let the process continue and just continue to work on myself and enjoy the kids? I can't see being the super nice guy anymore that I've been the last 4-6 weeks.

What does the opposite of "continuing to be nice" look like? Be respectful, be courteous, show your kids the person you want to be, model that for them.

Yes, continue to be there for your kids and continue working on you.

She's admitted to seeing my changes and I think knows what she's giving up.

Try not to worry or imagine what she's thinking. There's no way you can know unless she tells you and that might not be true. Let go of that.

Are you the person you want to be? That's the important question.

If I'm honest it's really hard being around her now though and it feels like a cloud is around us when she's around.

Try not to project your feelings on to your kids. She is their mother and will be for a long time. They love her and this is very hard for them. Support and love them through this.

Kids and I have so much more fun when it's just us which is why I'm considering leaving once custody is signed off.

What does this mean?

[Spartan]

What does the opposite of "continuing to be nice" look like? Be respectful, be courteous, show your kids the person you want to be, model that for them.

It basically means to stop going out of my way to help her do things, stop initiating small talk, stop trying to do things with her (i.e. watch TV/ movies, go shopping, etc...) and to stop killing myself doing all the house work so she doesn't have to. I will continue to be respectful, help her with her race/ charity work, and show the kids the person I am. It's tough for me to really grasp the concept of going dim because I really do like to talk and to help her out, only problem is it's getting me absolutely no where. For last week I've been really quiet and distant around her and just answering when she asks a question and it isn't natural for me at all.

Are you the person you want to be? That's the important question.

Not yet but I'm getting there. I'm feeling better about myself almost every day and I can definitely see week to week improvements in my thoughts, my attitude, and my outlook.

Kids and I have so much more fun when it's just us which is why I'm considering leaving once custody is signed off.

What does this mean?

Yeah that made more sense in my head then what I wrote. Basically what I meant is maybe it was time for a S to allow me and the kids our own time when I have them. Obviously not seeing them some days would kill me and I'm guessing wouldn't be that great for them either. I'm just really struggling right now being in the house with her. She's just so cold and distant that it's affecting everyone. It's a happy upbeat atmosphere when she's not there. I try not to let it affect me much, especially in front of kids, but I know they sense it. W doesn't interact with us the same way as she used to and it's tough putting on a good face all the time no matter how hard I try. I know it's best to stay in house and will likely be what I do but it will be tough. I've tried to kid myself the last several weeks about our 'good family times' but when I look back I'm not so sure W was really enjoying it. I know that's me mind reading but I saw her body language, even when I was pretending things were going better. I feel I've enjoyed the times with just the kids more then when W is with us, which is really sad for me to write or think.

As I mentioned above, since day after Christmas I've felt detached from her and much more distant but it's not something I'm comfortable with. I hate that right now I feel nothing for her and have no interest in talking with her or knowing anything that's going on with her. Is going dim really living in the same house and not really talking or interacting??? It was obviously much easier being more talkative and "friendly" but: (1) not sure it was helping our future R (felt like W was using my niceness to get through D process as painlessly as possible by comments she's made), (2) I'm not sure I'm capable of doing it anymore after seeing how she was with kids when we told them about D, (3) not sure I can take more hurt from her so detachment feels like the better option right now.

[Spartan]

Stealing this from AS from another thread on here:

It's part of the learning process the WAS has to go through. Before they move out they have a fantasy in their head of what it will be like to leave and it's all puffy clouds and rainbows. Then when they do move out they find that they have to pay bills, they still have to go to work, they have to clean the house, and (horror) there's not a line of handsome suitors lining up outside their door after all. Reality has a way of spoiling a good fantasy.

This is another reason I've been considering S. W has said she won't leave until house sells so I'm wondering if I leave if real life will hit her and she'll see just how much I do around house that she'll need to do on her own. I won't lie, it would also be for my own sanity.

I'm so confused anymore, I remember a short time ago when I was confident and sure of myself. Now I just act like it while underneath I'm questioning way too many things.

[Spartan]

Pretty wordy to say I'm basically treating my W as an acquaintance and looking for wisdom if this is the right move.

[Breakdown]

Someone told me a while back "don't give your W lemons...life will give her plenty." I think that's really important, so I wouldn't be considering moving out to make her "get it."

Regarding detaching from your W, I'm not sure you have. On one hand you say you have no feelings for her but on the other you're really concerned about not talking to her, not doing things for her, etc. I think the goal should be to just be you. When you are home with the kids, being yourself, enjoying your family...and then W comes home....I challenge you to continue to BE YOU. Don't let her attitude, her comments, her coldness, or whatever impact the fun you are having. You control you.

With regards to doing stuff for her, I think you have to do what you would do if she was just a friend. If you are thinking you're getting something in return, you are just setting yourself up to be resentful.

[JuneReN]

Do not leave. From a legal stand point, one of the worse things you could do.

I know things look like they are moving quickly, but this has only been a short while. W seems to be showing a lot of confusion right now Spartan, and the treatment of the kids is just an extension of that anger and confusion. If you were absent emotionally during marriage then the 180 is to continue what you are doing. I would make plans with kids and not necessarily include her. Let her come with you if she wants. Don't ask in front of kids and don't put kids in position where they put W on the spot by saying " are you coming"? I don't know how to finagle this in your situation, but you should not expect family times etc.

I tried the acquaintance thing with H, and it only got back the cold shoulder for me. But in my case, we are separated and he is seeing someone so......

[tori2012]

Regarding detaching from your W, I'm not sure you have. On one hand you say you have no feelings for her but on the other you're really concerned about not talking to her, not doing things for her, etc. I think the goal should be to just be you. When you are home with the kids, being yourself, enjoying your family...and then W comes home....I challenge you to continue to BE YOU. Don't let her attitude, her comments, her coldness, or whatever impact the fun you are having. You control you.

I agree. Detaching is about your happiness not depending on what she does or does not do. It's HARD. I haven't been able to do it.

In regard to the S, there won't be negative legal consequences in some states. Consult with a L. However, if you still want to save your M (and I think you do) a separation will almost always be a bad idea. Once you're living apart, especially if there is no separation agreement or goals attached to it, the M is more likely to end. Think about this very carefully...

[mamabird]

I don't know if I agree with you Tori that a separation is almost always a bad idea. I know that in my sitch, we need to separate if there is to be any peace between us, married or not. We simply can't live together any longer, and a separation may put some things in perspective.