I really hate where we are right now because she's almost acting like nothing is wrong and she's just putting on the happy face.
That's pretty typical, but rest assured there's a raging storm inside her. She may look cool and collected on the outside, but she's confused and in turmoil internally. Try to appreciate that this is hard on her too.
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I so want to give her that ultimatum; "If you're not here to fix US, then just go".
Approach that in a loving manner, say "I really want you to stay and work on the marriage with me, but I understand that you feel leaving will make you happier, and I want you to be happy, so if you feel that leaving is what it will take then I support your decision." In other words, do not give her an ultimatum and do not make the decision for her, but instead, support her in whatever decision she makes even if you don't agree with it.
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To answer your question, no I'm not continuing to do the 'I love you' and plan dates, etc. etc. I'm mostly acting like an acquaintance to her now (which matches her behavior towards me) and I’m doing everything to focus on our daughter and meeting up/getting support from friends, etc. This is a fairly recent development though – last few days.
That's good, but just know that these 180's take months and months before the WAS starts to believe they're not just tricks. So stick with it.
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It’s so frustrating though that she’s saving all her energy and happiness for her work friends, etc. and completely ignoring me and OUR married friends/family that would hold her accountable for her actions.
This isn't about HER accountability, it's about YOURS. YOU contributed to the marriage problems, you need to take stock of what you did wrong and you need to right those wrongs. DO NOT hold her accountable no matter how bad you think her contributions are, that will just drive her farther away.
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She’s so tired and exhausted around me, but manages to go to work parties until late hours and go to NYC for three days with her sister and niece, etc. The OM and other men she’s built relationships with openly post on her Facebook.
And what control do you have over this? Have you ever read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? This is outside of your "sphere of influence" so whatever time you spend thinking about it is just wasted effort. Read DR. Work on YOU.
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My wife had an individual counseling appt. with our marital therapist this morning. “How was the appt” I said. “Good” she says. Moving right along…
Understand that most MC's are not pro-marriage. They see themselves as facilitators. So if your W talks about how done she is, they will just reinforce her beliefs. Your W will hear only what she wants to hear.
