Hello everyone... I' m back... It has been 3 yrs and a half since bomb drop. Me and my kids are doing great. My oldest (17) got a job at a snack bar last summer where she got promoted to manager and was also offered manager at the sports complex cafeteria this winter. She is doing great. She will be leaving for University this coming summer. She is studying business. lol Perfect choice for her! My son is now 14. He entered high school this year.. I can see changes in him. Girls instead of video games.lol My other 2 daughters (9 and 12) are really close. They are both succeeding in school and i am very proud of ALL 4.. We have come a longgggggg way. I, myself, went back to the store. I was asked if i could fill-in for a couple of weeks and i have been there for 5 now..lol I am still at school also. I work at the store in the morning, lunch at school and home by 2PM.. Kids get home at 3 so it is perfect... I am negotiating a manager position as we speak.. The opening will be for Jan 23rd. It is looking very good so far .. I have 7 yrs experience in my background and my ex-boss works there so my references are right there... lol Now, My ex... still cycling.. Many mind games... On and Off with his OW. Had a different OW move in with him for awhile. One night, while she was there, i got a series of text telling me how much he loves me..My reply was simply, Please, don' t tell me you love me when your heart belong to someone else.. It is not fair to her nor to me..He answered that his heart didn' t belong to noone.. That it was broken for a longgg time now. He got her out and returned to the one that had a child. Last night, he dumped her and called me to yell it at me. He thought it might make me happy and that i was a F*ckin hypocrite because he saw something on my fb, What?, don' t know... I have nothing on there. Even if i did, shouldn' t i be allowed to date or even remarry if i chose to?? He didn' t let me speak, he hung-up.. We don' t interact that often anymore.. He ususally text me and i rarely reply.. We speak about once a week briefly, for visitations.
Me, I am still single. It is MY choice. I am surrounded with good friends, good kids, good family.. For now, i am content with the way things are.. Well, That was my update... A quick view of my life 3 yrs 1/2 later..
My ex husband midlife crisis has been by far the hardest thing i had to face.... Detachment was NOT something i understood.. I thought acceptance would bring it... It brought some but not all.. NOT having expectation now that also helped.. Don' t let it become your crisis.. That is where i got stuck.. I have 2 books to recommend: The irritable male syndrome by Jed Diamond, and Men who hate women and the women who love them by Susan Forward... They might shed a light on their behavior and help you realize that eventho we have our faults, we are not monsters.. Everyone has faults.. perfection doesn' t exist and the fact that we had many, many years with them is proof that they could live with it and they accepted us as we did with them.. It doesn' t take 20 years to realize that you are not happy... Don' t buy it !!
Many of us weren' t unhappy prior to bomb... We were having problems but nothing that couldn' t be EASILY fix, in my eyes. Nothing worth trowing everything away.... My goal, after our breakdown was to reach that inner peace i once had.... My 3 areas that needed most work were my self-esteem, self- worth and self-confidences... In order to regain those, i had to go deaf when it came to him... I had to GAL.. I lived true to my values and belief. I looked internally to see if the accusations ( projections ) he had put upon me were true and worked, and still work on the one i agree could change. Not for him, but for me so that my next relationship will be even better than the 20 yrs i had with him...
Things get back to normal... Don' t be to hard on yourself.. Beleive and give yourself as long as you need.. Accept not only what has happened, also accept that IT TAKES TIME to heal... IT DOES HEAL..
Equisite, very nice to hear from you. I can relate to how you feel and how you felt about the entire situation. It's not a lot of fun, but it does get much much better. And it does heal, sometimes very nicely if you ask me
I agree, working on self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence really make it harder. Even harder when the MLC/WAS won't be quiet and let you think
I also agree that detachment and letting go take a while to really understand. Once you do it's liberating though. Life really is good. Glad to see you are doing well.
Have a happy new year! May 2013 bring you much joy!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi AJ! Thank you for dropping in... It is nice to hear from you also.. You were someone who i looked up to in my times of despair.. Your words and thoughts were so well written.. You were a great help for me... A HUGE THANK YOU for your wisdom... I wish you didn' t have to go through this... You are a good person through many eyes..
Slash back again.... I just got a phone call from my ex, asking me to please be a friend right now... He said he draw a map in his head and once everything is settled with the kids( University funding for the oldest, braces for the third and status for all 4 ), he will no longer be part of this world.. He is done... He doesn' t want to work on anything.. He said EVERYTHING from his past, starting at childhood has crashed onto him and he doesn' t want to fix any of it... He is tired and he is done.... I tried to tell him that i knew of his past and i accepted him with it.. I stood by him and we had 18 yrs together.. He cut me off and mocked our relationship... I could feel monster on the ledge so i shut-up and listened... He ended the call with: " i shouldn' t have called you.. " He was depressed and crying.. I had a hard time understanding him.. He might have been feeling good from drinking but he wasn' t drunk.. It is hard to listen and at the same time, guard yourself from pain... WHAT A NIGHT... May God be by his side tonight.. WHY CAN' T WE HELP????? I' m worried sick...
Call him this morning and see how he's doing. He was having a very difficult night last night and it appears that the demons from his past have caught up w/him.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to help him except be a friend and listen. He has to be the one to make up his mind and seek help. You can suggest seeking help, but he will not take the advice until he's ready to.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you snodderly.. Thank you! I called him.. He said he was fine and asked how i was.. I told him i was worried about him.. He apologized and said he had been drinking a little to much.. He said he should throw his phones away when he drinks... He asked permission to pick up the kids and take them sliding and bring them to the restaurant after.. I said yes...I know 2 of the kids will go but i' m not sure about the older ones... I always wonder if those calls are cry for help or desperation or martyrdrom.. Eiter one, they scare me...
I'm glad you called him. Generally when they are drinking is when they feel the lowest and that's when the calls come in about death, etc. You had every right to be worried when he called you. You just never know when it's a true threat or not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here is the question... I have been on the side line for a long time now.. Last month, his cousin called me for help and support and today, HIS SISTER messaged me saying that things have been really crazy over there for the past few months and asked me to keep in touch.. Friend' s request... Now, what do i do?
