I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been busy.
I was not surprised that SO did not call me when he said he would but a couple of days later he called and left a VM. I did not respond. Since then he has called another five times but no messages. I have not responded.
Also got a text asking if I was OK and that he missed me. That text was almost my undoing but I have not responded to it either.
Since I am not "pitch black" I do want to eventually respond. Any ideas on how to respond when he asks why I have not been in contact? I don't think simply answering I was busy is going to cut it. Any advice as to when to respond?
No I am not done with him yet but I am proceeding with extreme caution.
Portia, If he should call today, call him later and wish him a Merry Christms.
If he should inquire as to why you haven't returned his calls, you can always say "I haven't been feeling the best and needed some time to get some rest and catch up on things around work and home". Keep your response very short and sweet. In fact the statement "it's that time of year when I have a lot to do and my focus has been on getting ready for the holidays" could be used.
I wouldn't stay on the phone w/him very long. He needs to wonder what you are doing. He needs to "sense" that you are pulling away and wonder why. He'll continue to call when he's in a panic and needs a fix from Portia, but Portia, it's time to take the sugar away and allow him to have withdrawal pangs.
Please take care of yourself.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Panic is the correct word. Was not available all day and got three calls and a text.
I will call later tonight,as you suggested. This all seems like some sort of game and I have never been good at them. I do find it strange that he would not connect the dots a bit better.
I am almost at a 100 posts in my thread but since I have done more reading than posting lately, I thought I would see this one through rather than start a new one for the new year, as intended.
Sounds like we all got through the holidays. It was nice to be off work, spent lots of time with family and friends. But always felt a bit lonely. While we did not normally spend Christmas together, the two weeks after were reserved for us and New Year's Eve very special so being without him felt very strange indeed.
There has been no progress to report. In the three days before Christmas, he called constantly and texted. I was not answering (sometimes on purpose, sometimes not). We spoke Christmas morning which is also a bit of a tradition for us. When he finally got me on the phone, his relief was palpable. The first thing he said was that "all seemed right with the world now" and that he could breathe. We did not chat for too long. At the end of the conversation he said he missed me and that he loved me.
I know that MLCers are not supposed to make sense. But I cannot grasp that he could just brush off someone to whom he has such an emotional attachment. I know better know than to believe the words alone but the ILY just makes things that much more confusing. Is that in reaction to the panic when I was not responding?
And then I get a text on NYE: Happy New Year and may the next year be great! Yep, I have family in the hospital and while I am functioning better, my heart is still broken. Glad things are great for HIM.
I am trying to have some compassion, especially because MLC or not, I know that my independence from him caused some of the problems in the relationship. But, there are also some positive changes occurring in him. Maybe he'll some through the tunnel and decide he simply does not want me? I do not feel a great deal of hope for us. I still love him but I also can't help but feel like saying - you made your choice now leave me alone.
I have let him go: I am not contacting him, barely responding to his contacts and when we do talk, I keep it light and friendly. Do I just keep at it? Maybe that is why I feel like telling him to bug off; nothing seems to be changing. I know it takes a long, long time but.... well we've all been there.
Portia, How are you doing? I know you've got a lot on your plate right now and you need to take care of yourself.
Sounds to me like it looks to you to be his lifeline when things aren't going as well as expected. I don't think he's as happy as he makes himself out to be. If he were, he wouldn't be contacting you like he has been.
I would continue to do what you've been doing, i.e., little contact. I know you love him, but he's w/someone else right now and he only calls you when he's possibly alone and the ow isn't around. That's having his cake and eating it too. He's stringing you along in case the current relationship doesn't pan out. Friends don't usually panic when they can't reach you. They generally call or text and leave a message and wait for you to respond back. This guy is very insecure and I wonder if he's got abandonment issues as well.
You can have compassion for him, but don't allow that compassion to suck you dry and down into the rabbit hole w/him. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much more than what you are getting from this guy. I have a feeling that if you were to tell him to bug off, he would be even worse than he is now in contacting you. He's very selfish and self absorbed and doesn't realize what he's doing to you emotionally. Only you will know when you've had enough...but I would definitely go dimmer and allow him to wallow in his own stew for a while. After all, he's got the ow that can take care of him and listen to his woes.
Portia, please take care of yourself. I do hope your family is doing okay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have let him go: I am not contacting him, barely responding to his contacts and when we do talk, I keep it light and friendly. Do I just keep at it?
Yes - I'd keep at it. You are conducting a scientific experiment here - and so far, the results indicate that when you don't always respond, he misses you and tries harder to contact you. Good things. This is making him face the reality of what he's doing, and taking some of the fun out of his new relationship (wonder how she likes it when he's fretting about why you haven't called him back?)
Snodderly and KML, thank you for your responses and kind concern.
My parent has been moved to hospice which has brought about a strange sort of peace these last couple of days. But has not left me much time to post. I am taking care of myself as best I can but I would be lying if I said I was doing great.
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Sounds to me like it looks to you to be his lifeline when things aren't going as well as expected. I don't think he's as happy as he makes himself out to be. If he were, he wouldn't be contacting you like he has been.
I think you are right. Early last week I had made up my mind to call him to pass on the news of the move to hospice. I felt it would be wrong to withold that information as our families are close. I did not need to call, he called me.
He said that it felt strange not to have followed our NYE traditions. I said it actually turned out for the best as I was needed at home and besides, I could not have visited as he had a girlfriend. His answer? I suppose so. I said: You suppose so? Then he said that he did not know "how much of a girlfriend he had" since he was working so constantly and that he was backing off.
While the above does not really change anything with me, and I do not know how much of it is true, even if there is a grain of truth, it simply means that this big romance that I was envisioning is not the reality of what is going on.
He told me he missed me and said ILY.
Three days later, he called again. My DB mind said don't answer but I ignored it this time. We talked for a bit, nothing truly personal.
Originally Posted By: kml
This is making him face the reality of what he's doing, and taking some of the fun out of his new relationship (wonder how she likes it when he's fretting about why you haven't called him back?)
KML, I have wondered the same thing even though I know that I am not supposed to give her headspace. I can only figure that either she does not know or chooses to ignore it. She is recently divorced with two young ones, so maybe she is using him as well. Who knows?
So, back to what works which is pulling back a bit more. Whether or not his potentially waning relationship (right on time, it has been about 7 months "officially") will bring him back to me is anyone's guess.
Portia, The people who work for hospice are very good. They are kind and caring people and your parent will have very good care.
Please take care of yourself. You are most likely operating on "fumes" these days and don't have enough energy to get the old zip in your step. Please try to eat, drink plenty of fluids and get some much needed rest. Your immune system needs these things or you will come down w/a cold, virus or heavens forbid the flu.
Take care of youself. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
