Andrew, you already apologized, right? If you want to take it a step further, you may want to write her a letter.
Also, I recommend a session with Jody ASAP. The state of things is critical enough that talking to her is needed.
Be aware of what sets you off before your emotions take hold of you. In the past (before the A) what made you angry? How would you express your frustration/anger? Be aware of the triggers. I think right now you're just under so much stress that the engry outburst is understandable, but what about the past? Did you ever behave like that in the past? You can learn from those experiences.
And for the record, your W is blinded to the fact she DID have an A.
Yes. I apologized to her. I was actually thinking of a small letter to convey to her that I do now get it her "terrified" response. Validate it. Also, I do see how I tore her down via WOA(attack).
W and I each have noticed that winter is a tough time on me / mood. Most likely SAD.
Initially I had said there were only a few moments where I went off. That is true. Recently I've been racking those up and can see why W has had difficulty in me "getting over the R with OM" Call it what you will. While we were engaged, a month or a few weeks prior, I did a similar thing. Based out of jealousy and alcohol. Went off and what not. I see the similarity between that night and the recent one. So there is a pattern. For sure.... My own insecurities, paired with internalized frustrations (til I explode), and alcohol as a surefire way of release them (like it or not).
Andrew, good insights. Stay away from alcohol. Continue exercising.
I hope you can get a meeting with Jody soon. I tried to schedule a meeting for myself but she's booked this week. Will have to talk to her after my trip.
My time with Jody is next Wednesday. My schedule vs her's doesn't permit us to speak before then. I'd love to talk to her today. As I'm still unsure of how to even behave / interact when I get home from work later on. I do have an appt with mhy IC on Friday morning. I saw your post of how you're feeling. Literally same thoughts and feelings here. I've been reading my old posts looking for hidden wisdom that may help me with this. It all seems just like yesterday (each of those posts, the bad days and the good ones). UGH!
Have any of the other LBS's been this close and caused such a big backslide (actually worse than a backslide imo)?
Okay, you attacked Andrew and she pulled out divorce. How is this different? You may feel that it is the biggest stupidest thing you have done, but you apologized. You will continue with beginning DB, being nice etc. some GALs
Then she will bring it up, you will apologize when she does bring it up. You will validate her feelings. Say you are seeing counsellor to deal with it. Can't be undone, you just have to move forward. Everyone heard you when you apologized. You don't need to do it over and over.
I too am a fixer and we always want things to be better and usually right away. Yup, it's a setback, but not necessarily the straw that breaks the back. Now more than ever, you have to work on the person you want to be. The man you want your wife to see. Because whatever happens going forward, you need to travel forward. If that makes sense
Can't be undone, you just have to move forward. Everyone heard you when you apologized. You don't need to do it over and over.
Great advice by Ruby.
Andrew, I'm sorry we're feeling the same way today. Not a good place to be. But we both know the feeling will eventually pass. Forgive yourself for what happened. Give yourself time. You have our support here.
Rubt and Tori, I really needed that. It does all make sense. You framed it perfectly. It has helped me at least get back ob my feet to walk the journey I news to. The best thing that may come out of this outburst, is the realization that I have some this before, and not just to her. I think a big part is my internalizatiob of thoughts / resentment towards unacknowledged actions by me; and then eventually alcohol helps it boil and then Boom! Out it comes. For example, during the recent "done" talk with W, as I apologized for allowing all of my hurt out in the wrong way, a part of her response was simply, "you choose to stay".
So in a good way, she had a late work meeting thingy so I was able to come home simply to the kids...and the SILs who left shortly after I came home. So, the kids and I just hung out and had a nice evening. I was nice to W but kept my distance / gave her space; and exercised and here I am now.
One probable last note for tonight is FIL called to see if it was okay to come over tomorrow to visit with the SILs. I said I didn't see why not. Then he asked how I was, I said ok considering. His response was something along the lines if "Time will smooth things out, and Love will fix the rest". It's so unlike him to say such a thing; and I really like it. Time to start rereading DR..
Let us know how your meeting with the IC goes, and continue asking yourself how to be a little better every day. True nobility is not about being better than other people, but about being better than you used to be.
Andrew,this The best thing that may come out of this outburst, is the realization that I have some this before, and not just to her. I think a big part is my internalizatiob of thoughts / resentment towards unacknowledged actions by me; and then eventually alcohol helps it boil and then Boom! Out it comes. is a great insight.
Learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions is so difficult but so necessary. And in situations where we might otherwise have a handle on things, alcohol lessens our inhibitions and control and out it comes.
How can you work with this realization? Do you remember what you were feeling that night that lit the fuse? What could you have done differently?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Afa - I'm glad to see you're getting back to DBing and hopefully able to forgive and forget the incident and move forward.
I wish I had a FIL that said things like that.
I'm sure you've thought about it but I would try and stop drinking (or at least cut back to 1-2 drinks max) until your sitch is on firm ground. I pretty much quit drinking a couple years ago (may have a social beer once in a while but nothing more) and I can only imagine the things I'd do if I were drinking with my emotional state.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
