New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

Thanks Bug. I'm always terrified that I didn't really change. It's nice to be validated. I worry that instead of shedding an old skin and evolving, I painted over the old skin with pretty words. Hopefully with enough time I'll really know I'm different and stop worrying about it. If I didn't get something out of all this, it was a waste, and I hate waste.

So, I heard back from my email to SIL:

Hi [adinva],

I figured it would only be awkward if people allowed it to be. You are always welcome here. I am always here for you if you want to talk. We can go out to dinner or something for more privacy. The guys are not good with stuff like that. Just so you know, [h] has said nothing to me....which is not surprising.

Thank you for reaching out to me. You are divorcing [h], not me.

Love you lots.

========

that was nice. I'll call her up and we'll go for coffee and rebuild something.

That "you are divorcing [h]" comment grated. I've stopped myself a few times from writing back to correct the record. That's the second SIL who has made an assumption that I left H. I'm sensitive about that. What I'm trying to do is to see that in the future it really won't be relevant anymore who left who and who did wrong. I want to take the shortcut to that future (thinking of that old kids' game Chutes & Ladders) and am telling myself to try acting like it doesn't matter RIGHT NOW.

My mantra today is "in the future this will not matter."

I'd like the accolades for being such a great spouse, who worked so hard, unilaterally, to save the marriage and to do right by the kids, and who worked so hard, unilaterally, to understand and feel compassion for the brother in pain who couldn't deal with this life anymore, and who stayed silent instead of saying HE LEFT ME HE LEFT ME WHY DON'T YOU NOTICE THAT HE LEFT ME?!?!?!

But as hyperventilated as I got about the free airplane tickets from WYNDHAMSUCKS that got snatched back because I'm separated, by the next day I was fine and laughing at the irony of it. As hyperventilated as I felt reading that line from my well intentioned SIL I know in a little while it's not going to be a big deal to me anymore either. I'll just wait a little while then.

My psych friend told me she believes one day far in the future I'm going to want to buy my H a big bouquet of flowers to thank him for divorcing me. That makes me smile to think of that future.