Sexless marriage. H Left. Now retrouvaille in 3wks

[AM2012]

I really need some help advice, just someone to listen.. just anything



I have been married for 9.5 years and have 2 children, 7 and 5.

Overall my marriage has been good in that H and I have a lot in common, same beliefs, interests, morals etc, however our love life is crap and has been most of the marriage. I would attribute most of this to me. I never treated H with the respect he deserved because I always felt that he never put me first (his job has always been #1) and therefore I just brushed our sex and love life aside. I would say the last 6 years has been completely loveless. I have hated every minute of it, but didn’t know how to change it. As the years passed he because more involved in work and I resented him. We were on a downward spiral. About a year an half ago, I asked H to see a therapist, but he said no, we didn’t needed it. What needed to happen was I needed to fix myself and not until I did that could things change.



About 5 mths ago, he finally decided that he would go on a marriage weekend retreat with me. A friend of mine went and said it was very helpful. 1 week before the retreat he decided that he had enough and moved out saying the marriage is over and we can never ever make it work. Said the dreaded words, I love you, but not in love with you. It crushed me. I was a complete mess, feeling totally shocked that he would just give up so quickly when we have been together for 16 years.



We still went on the retreat, however the timing couldn’t have been worse. I cried the entire weekend and instead of actively participating in the sessions, I was too busy crying and begging him to come home which was the worst thing I could have done.



After the weekend we continued to speak to the therapist who ran the retreat and she informed us that it would take a miracle to save this marriage and that there was nothing left because the lack of love/sex for so many years. I didn’t feel the therapist had the right to say that to us and so I stopped the sessions with her.



About 2 mths ago H came to me and said that he didn’t think it was fair to just run away from the marriage and that he had to put a real effort in. He continued to live away, but agreed to see a new therapist and started coming over every day mostly to see the children, but was really showing an effort.

During this time, I came across Michele’s book and read it a couple of days.

After reading the book, I started to implement some of the things and noticed a change. When H came over he seemed excited to see me, even hugged me a couple of times which is a huge accomplishment from where we were.



Last week, I was so frustrated that instead of accepting these baby steps H and I got into a huge fight because I felt that I wasn’t seeing enough improvement. I wanted him living back home. After our fight, he decided to move back to the spare room, but since he’s been back he is miserable and I am so angry with myself for 1. Telling him he was not putting in enough effort 2. Making him move back in. I feel all that hard work has gone down the drain. He is no longer excited to see me, haven’t received a hug yet, not even on Christmas.. I am at a total loss and so sad.



He keeps telling me how sad he is that we are in this situation and is still willing to try, but is very very doubtful that things can change because he can’t imagine being intimate - its been so long. He said he has a lot of soul searching to do and needs to decide if staying in the marriage is the right thing just being content, or just end it and move on where he can find the love that he has needed for so long that he wasn’t getting from me.



I don’t think he wants the marriage to end because of the sadness he will feel being apart from the kids, but cannot imagine things getting any better EVER. I am not sure if he is really done with the marriage part of me thinks he really is done and is only trying to say hes tried



Recently I came across retrovaille and thought why not, we have nothing to lose. I very badly want to save this marriage. We go on Jan 18. I feel like this is my last hope as I don’t know where else to turn.



I have read many reviews about retrovaille, but only one of them focused on saving a sexless,loveless marriage. Does anyone have any stories about how retrovaille can fix this? Can it? Is this really over?

[AnotherStander]

however our love life is crap and has been most of the marriage.

Have you talked to your H about this? Have you sought out an MC and/ or sex therapist? Sex is an integral part of M, and if it's missing then that's a huge red flag. It sounds like he's home and you're trying to work on things, but you certainly can't expect any progress until this huge issue is addressed.

I would attribute most of this to me. I never treated H with the respect he deserved because I always felt that he never put me first

This is obviously part of the problem, the lack of sex isn't just your fault, it goes both ways. Women need to feel loved before they want to have sex while men feel loved while having sex. So men have to learn how to nurture their wives to make them want to have sex, because most women can't just flip the sex switch on like men can.

After the weekend we continued to speak to the therapist who ran the retreat and she informed us that it would take a miracle to save this marriage and that there was nothing left because the lack of love/sex for so many years. I didn’t feel the therapist had the right to say that to us and so I stopped the sessions with her.

I agree with you. Most MC's are not pro-marriage, so what she said is not that unusual. Their training is in facilitating separation and divorce, not in rebuilding troubled marriages.

After reading the book, I started to implement some of the things and noticed a change. When H came over he seemed excited to see me, even hugged me a couple of times which is a huge accomplishment from where we were.

Awesome! It usually doesn't work that fast, but that's great if it did.

Last week, I was so frustrated that instead of accepting these baby steps H and I got into a huge fight because I felt that I wasn’t seeing enough improvement.

Well that's a huge backslide, but that's OK, they happen. Just lose your expectations and continue on with DB'ing. Don't expect a fast turnaround, it'll take months of hard work. Be patient! When he shows signs of improvement then celebrate internally, but externally maintain your DB'ing.

He keeps telling me how sad he is that we are in this situation and is still willing to try, but is very very doubtful that things can change because he can’t imagine being intimate - its been so long.

You two cannot fix that on your own. You need professional help. Get it as soon as you can.

I have read many reviews about retrovaille, but only one of them focused on saving a sexless,loveless marriage. Does anyone have any stories about how retrovaille can fix this?

I don't think it's really geared towards that, although it is geared towards improving communications and certainly a lack of communication is why your sex life is so poor. So it may help. But I still think you should locate a sex therapist too.

[AM2012]

Yes he has moved back in (well he has been sleeping here - different room, however he didnt officialy say he movied back in), but now its worse than it was when he didnt live here. At least when he didnt live here, he was happy to come over and see me (well within the last 3 weeks anyways), he would call me through out the day, now he just mopes around the house all sad, sits on the couch and sleeps.Doesnt call nothing.

As much as I wanted him back here, now I am thinking it might be better for him to leave again. geez. I cant believe how hard of this is. The only thing holding me back from asking him to leave are the children. They cried for 4 mths straight about their daddy not living here and I dont think I can do that to them again.

I think he really is depressed.

With regards to a sex therapist. I suggested it to him and he was angry with me stating that there are so many other issues and that this is such a small part and the answer he gave was NO.

[Breakdown]

Retrouvaille is awesome, and it may help you guys start down the path of better and more open communication. There is a session on sex (post session), but I don't think that alone is going to fix the issues. Still, I highly recommend going, but don't think of this as a fix all. I had that thought in my head and six months later I'm still working at it every day.

Couple of reading suggestions....check out the Five Love Languages as it sounds like lack of sex life could be associated with that. Also, I'd check out Michelle's Sex Starved Marriage.

So what 180s are you doing? What things are you working on?

[JuneReN]

Agree with Breakdown and if you want to check my sitch, sex has been a problem for a long time and H stuck it out as far as he could before leaving. 5 LLs is a very good start

Read up on DR, start your 180s and GALing. H still wants to try, very positive because most of us are dealing with WAS.

Find a pro marriage MC...

Good luck

[AM2012]

Feeling a little stressed that he's living here again since he has now gone back to his miserable mopey self. It was so much better when he lived away. Why did I force Him back? I am so mad at myself.

So what do I do? Continue to DB while he's here? It seems so much easier when he didn't live here.

[AM2012]

What are the chances of reconciliation with WAS?

[rosesarered]

AM2012 - Just caught up on your thread because you were kind enough to post to mine. You are lucky that your H wants to continue to try.
Have you read about MLC, do you think he is having an MLC?
I agree with RubyTuesdays advice. What are you doing to focus and improve yourself. He will notice the changes but it does take time, a whole lot of time.

[AM2012]

I did read about MLC and the thought has crossed my mind , but I really do think that the lack of intimacy is what really pushed him away. I mean if this was the reverse situation I am sure I would be where he is.

I feel that I have grown a lot over the last few mths. My patience have increased dramatically which had always been an issue. I AM a typical type A and I want everything done now. Well I realize it doesn't need to be done now. I am more laid back, overall just a happier person and I do think he sees this.

I am away for the weekend at a spa with friends. It's been a great time away. I will definitely be focusing on myself more.

H said to me the other day that he felt my behaviour was fake and it made him feel awkward. The thing is I felt I was acting normal for my new self,but he thinks its Just so phoney.

What do I do with him living back at the house? Not sure how long it will last.

[JustStunned]

Hello AM,

I responded to your post on Surviving and came looking on Newcomers. One of the pieces of advice I received early on was to stay with one thread as it helps people find you and keep up.

So what do I do? Continue to DB while he's here? It seems so much easier when he didn't live here.

If your goal is to save yourself or your marriage continue to DB.

Of course it was easier. It was easier to stay detached to remain calm. To work on little steps and then retreat to separate corners to absorb and reflect.

Take a deep breath and slow down a bit. I think you’re trying to solve too many things at once. An aspect of baby steps is to slow down enough to find the positive signs and reduce expectations. To many of us rush to get to the final solution we miss steps along the way and ultimately damage the progress we’ve made.

This is not the end in disaster moment it may appear to be. This is a setback. In my opinion this was brought on by guilt so maybe that is an avenue to work on. Calmly, Compassionately.

What are the chances of reconciliation with WAS?

Some do. I cannot give you odds. I suspect they are low. Does that mean you shouldn’t try? I was compelled to try for my own peace of mind.

5 LLs is a very good start

Read up on DR, start your 180s and GALing. Find a pro marriage MC.

Good advice. 5LLs is a good read and helpful in my continued relationships.
Yes, 180s what are yours? Can you think of more?
Yes, GAL more important now than before he moved back in. Happy, excited, and active is a more interesting you.

Have you reviewed the 37 rules? How do they apply to what you’re doing? To paraphrase Sandi “Do what works”