I lack the time to reply fully. But to answer one question you asked, YES people have said outlandish things about their former spouses!...and sometimes it ends things for good and sometimes it does not.
Many say things a lot worse than your wife has said, btw.
read Alamo's situation some time.
HIS wife claimed their young son said Alamo "touched him inappropriately/sexually" (which is THE WORST allegation possible, and can & does lead to jail time...and is used more than I like to see, as a lawyer)....
and Alamo still talks to her and forgives her.
He believes the boy made an odd comment that She misinterpreted and that she felt "obligated" to report it to the police (as opposed to calling Alamo and asking what the heck the boy was talking about...FIRST...)
But Alamo put the nicest possible spin on it possible and that seems to help him , and they get along "enough". And maybe he's right, but I don't trust her.
But then, Alamo got full custody of his son, too.
Anyhow, sure people say things they believe are true, that are not true
and they exaggerate to make a point, and sometimes they lie.
But the grounds for divorce your wife is citing is what I asked you and I do not mean in her letter to you.
I mean IN THE COURT FILING, what are the grounds for divorce? It should say them somewhere on the papers you received.
My guess is that it is a 'no fault" divorce, so for instance, no adultery or abuse is alleged.
But you tell me...
and please read Bond's post to you again. '
It is meant to help you Bruce. Take it in. Process it and be as objective as you can. And again I ask,
Do you have ANY family or friends with young children you can talk to?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Good day, The court filing cites the two reasons I wrote here. No adultery or abuse. (although she said I hit her in that episode and that I can become violent when I'm frustrated).
Earlier this week I wrote:
Quote:
W. I'm not sure I understood well what you meant the other day and I need to clarify it : do you think the two of us can patch things up? I know we might need some time and need to take it slowly.
Contrary to what your affidavit says, I'm not mad that you didn't want reconciliation, you're hurt and I understand, I love you enough to let you go if that's what you choose.
Her reply was :
Quote:
Hi Bruce,
After much consideration, I still do not think things can work out between us. It's sad, but the best thing is to move on and look to the future.
Enjoy the rest of your vacation. I hope the ski trails are lots of fun and that you're enjoying your time back home.
I haven't contacted her since, except to move our phone conversation with S from the 1st to the 3rd Jan. I said "Best of luck for 2013" and we hung up.
I think with the way things are bending towards, the whole thing is pretty much finished. She's dead set on D, and I'm very tired of trudging through it all, like very fatigued of being rejected.
Happy New year to y'all.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
if there is ever a time to discuss patching things up
you must concede that you DO need a lot of time and a LOT of effort to make it work. It's not a "we might need" type of thing. It's a certainty and
the more you show her that you "get it" for real, the better.
I'm not saying your odds are good but it is NOT hopeless yet...and
the best shot you have, is to show that you REALLY GET IT...
do you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do concede that W and I will need time to make it work.
But, she said clearly that she is not interested. (see copied response from her).
True, I have been an ass, it was earlier in my marriage, I was immature and made errors, big errors. If I could undo things, of course I'd do things differently.
But how do I get the message across ? W has already accused me of being interested more in her than in my Son. I have to detach, everybody remember ?
Anyway, I haven't written one single email since the 28th Dec. 2012. It's a 180 for me not to write, but it wasn't difficult to do : at the moment, I don't feel like talking to her. She's gone too low in trying to debase me, in order to win her Court case.
My decision is taken : I won't say anything of the bad things she did to me in Court. I won't reveal her faults. It has been forgiven and forgotten when we were together, I am not a traitor to bring it up months after it happened.
Still, if there was still a chance, how do I make her understand that I got it?
Hi Bruce, you can't "make her" anything. Do anything, think anything, feel anything. You only only only control you.
And with few exceptions, everyone here was also told very clearly that their spouse was not interested. That is script.
You have been given a chance to learn and grow, and time to do it. Before the divorce is final, or after, take this chance and grow. Do it for you and for your son. Not for her and not to get her back. Tactics backfire. Sincere change and growth, consistent over time, and for the right reasons, will win in the end. You just don't know yet what winning really looks like, you still think it's getting your marriage back.
Happy new year and all the best, adinva
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You still need to work on listening (not defending, not justifying, not explaining your point of view) and empathizing. I get that you see things from your point of view, and I totally understand why you do.
Remember how revolutionary the departure from the geocentric to the heliocentric view of the universe was in science (and yet the helicoentric view is wrong as well)? You are still in the Bruce-centric view. Launch yourself off Planet Bruce, and try to envision yourself on Planet WAS or, perhaps even better, Planet S. And accept that that view of the universe is equally valid. Different views. Same universe.
That list of "debasements" in your WAS' divorce filing? Those capture your W's view of your marriage at this time. To her, they are not "debasements," they are her reality. I get that they are not your reality. But, they are most definitely hers. How would you feel if someone told you over and over that your reality does not matter? Or is wrong?
Get it, Bruce.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
The best answer that I have encountered, Bruce, is time. Time and consistency. Like many, including myself, it appears as if you want your wife to accept your realizations and actions as concrete evidence that something has changed and that things can now be....."better". Not enough time has passed at all - that impacts two things.
1.) Your ability to really CHANGE. And I mean forever...that takes time and is a greater task than realizing that you have made mistakes. It is a long, painful road to go down - but well worth it for a lot of reasons. I told my XW awhile ago that if she would have stayed when I was begging her to I probably would have changed for maybe 2-3 months at the most and then I would have gone right back to where I was once I got comfortable again. I hate to say it, but I am learning that there is a requisite amount of suffering that people in our position have to go through before we really take a true inventory, own our "stuff", and work to change it.
2.) Her ability to believe you. I am sure it has been said to you before - but right now chances are she believes nothing has truly changed in you at all and that you are using some kind of tactic to get her back. Work on your 180s...what are they? How have you been working on them? Lay down the defenses and get to work on them - it will really, really, really help. Over time, she may begin to believe.
read Crimson's post to you carefully. You might also want to read his recent post on his thread...
and why I called him a "hero". He's a brave man who has genuinely changed for the better. He went from being a mediocre inconvenienced father, to a great one who is loved and thrilled by his son. The feeling is mutual.
we know his ex wife sees it and in my opinion, she WANTS to believe it's real AND forever, but she's afraid it isn't.
THey have other issues, and she's not perfect, but you could learn a lot by reading his words.
Also Bruce, your w's "debasement" of you in the divorce petition is not reality.
Except for a possible memory failure on your part OR hers, about pushing the car
pretty much every single thing she said had some validity to it, or a lot.
Don't revise the truth b/c you are hurt.
(We know it when we see it b/c we have done it ourselves).
Hiding from the truth only delays/prevents the growth.
Be brave Bruce, you can do this. You can grow and improve b/c of this, in big deep ways.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Bonsoir everybody, First of all, thank you for such great feedback. No matter how thing turn out in the end, I know I've grown up already. Maybe I need more time and introspection, but in 6 months, I have changed my take on many, many things in a deep way.
This week, I wrote one email of one line. It's a 180 for me. She must be thinking it's because I'm on holidays here. But when I'll be back next week, it'll be the same : I won't write everyday, I've lost the grip, the need to try to control and say things.
I don't have the power to change the heart of people, and in a normal situation one can try to convince, but here, it always backfires as manipulative. Therefore I need to back off.
As for her point of view, I get it better now that she had to detail in a written document. I understand her reasons and see where she comes from. Nonetheless, that document is full of exagerations, half distorted truths and misleading stuff, even about my parents and my childhood. It hurts to see how far she is ready to go.
Even if she was to come back today, if that's what she's capable of, I'm not even sure I want to be friends with someone who has the nerve to do such a thing.
Mind you, in my document, I will say she was a good mother. That things weren't perfect, but she was not a horrible wife. And that I want to keep that link with my son.
If there is truth in her version, I don't want and I can't defend myself or deny the facts. --> I don't know if the judge will swallow her version of things because I'm not defending myself
Anyway, it's a new me, and only God can do something now. Bye, B.
Me:34 ; W:28 Son: almost 2. Married : 14 March 2009 DBomb : 18 June 2012 Separated since Jan 2012 (different countries) Same country and city since July 2012
