A bit of sadness and melancholy today. Starting a new year makes it seem so very real.
Long texts yesterday with H about how he will give me support and disagree when necessary and that he would have my back.
I replied that there was not enough time to say enough sorrys but I offered them without equivocation and without looking for forgiveness. That I had learned hard lessons and even though this was not the way I chose to learn, that it was a gift to be able to see the things that were actually important at the end of the day. He mentioned that he knew it would be hard going forward as friends because this was new for me but he had been done for a long time.
His fb post to a friend was that they were writing new books with new and old friends...made me a little sad, but you know, he didn't come to this decision in three months, so I cannot expect him to come back in three months, can I?
It's nice to know the physical attraction is still there for him, although he had been drinking, so I have to weigh that in in terms of I kissed him first lol!
So I work on the friendship, the trust and the emotional base from scratch. He said that he hoped our friendship wold be stronger than our marriage. I had such trust issues, hopefully I can trust but still guard my heart. It may be that he is done with the M and hopefully I will be far enough down my own path to accept it.
My New Years wish to him: I wish you light in the shadows. I give you my strength and heart. I wish you peace and tranquility. I wish you love
His back was I wish you peace and love.
Hopefully 2013 proves to be amazing whatever the outcomes.
Having long email convo with H. Says he feels awful about the make out session, didn't want to leave me with any impressions. I said don't feel awful.
Talked about how I felt I never measured up and he felt inadequate and used.
Talked about sex life and how I felt intimacy allowed the walls to come down and I didn't think that I could bear that so I gave up sex, so to speak.
Talked about how all his sex needs to be relationships or before, me one night stands. He said he can't bear an FWBS relationship because he couldn't think of the person he was with to be with someone else. He offered to set me up lol.
I said I wasn't quite there yet. I know he is dying that I find someone so he can go on without guilt. Little does he know I am in for the ride.
Ruby, it's good you and your H are exchanging all those emails about your R. I didn't understand this statement: "Talked about how all his sex needs to be relationships or before, me one night stands. He said he can't bear an FWBS relationship because he couldn't think of the person he was with to be with someone else."
Do you think he really wants you to find someone? Maybe not, at least deep inside. I guess no one knows what he's thinking.
Little does he know I am in for the ride. Stick with the DBer's on here and it will make for a smoother ride. Also, learn from some of our mistakes too! Truly take care of yourself!!
So talked a lot about how we felt in marriage, a little more about sex etc. said the two men on my short list were not available at this point in time, one of them being matthew McConnaughy and was wasn't taking my calls. Lol. Also, the other, obviously being H but I left that unsaid. He is in a R now, so for him to make out with me must be killing him,,because he is not built like that.
I talked about how I thought his being funny was such a compliment because he could reach the dark places in me and that for a relationship, for me, it was a requirement. That I took for granted he knew he was sexy etc., but he said it killed him for me never to need him or ask his advice.
So that is some good conversation, and just the gist of it. It gives me a couple of things to work with moving forward, in terms of 180 s.. Could ask opinion more etc.
I am trying to be patient and there are little steps, but he has made it clear, that he is not coming back to the marriage. So will just have to show that the woman he married has changed. Although I have done a lot of work there is still a ways to go. I still find myself impatient and wanting to manipulate at times, but I will not. At least that is what I will keep telling myself.
Ruby, it's good you and your H are exchanging all those emails about your R. I didn't understand this statement: "Talked about how all his sex needs to be relationships or before, me one night stands. He said he can't bear an FWBS relationship because he couldn't think of the person he was with to be with someone else."
Do you think he really wants you to find someone? Maybe not, at least deep inside. I guess no one knows what he's thinking.
I think he does, because then at least he will think that I have moved on or the playing field will be equal. I really don't know if he would entertain a relationship with me unless I had also explored what was out there, but I am not sure. It is what it is feeling like to me.
That relationship comment is that he cannot be with someone on a casual basis. He had to separate from me in order to be with someone else. I guess in his head separation is fine for starting a new relationship, for me "no" but that is where I am now and who is to say it won't be different down the line...I think though for me, I would have to be divorced fully. This is why I am sure he feels so awful about making out with me, although I initiated it and he wouldn't let it go further than a heavy session....
We will cross that bridge or burn it when we get there thoug.
Ruby, thank you for the clarification. My H said the same, that he could not be in a R unless he was D, and that's why he had filed, but I just found out he had dated some woman back in April and had had many casual dates after that. I think your H is being honest, though. He seems to be a lot more mature than my H, even if he's in the WAS fog.
Your H is saying he's not coming back to the M, but he hasn't filed. Do you think he would do it or would he try to give you reasons to do it? It seems he's reaching out and trying to connect with you. I really don't see him filing for D.
