Next Step, Moving On

[dorightman]

Happy New Year everyone, I hope this year brings all of you the peace, love, and resolve you're looking for!

Here's my update:

The day I drove back home from visiting my mom for xmas, I called her and told her that I regretted all of my mistakes deeply and for how I made her feel. I told her I take full responsibility for my mistakes and for the neglect and emotional abandonment, I acknowledged how much I hurt her. She listened and said I could come home to be with the kids, so i drove home.

The next day I messed up again badly. I took my daughter rollerskating and we had a great time. Then my w called and said she was at her friends with son and that I could drop D off there.

I was immediately triggered because this friend of hers is the person that she went to when she shut off from me and they have the intimacy now that I want to rekindle with my w. They text and call each other from sunrise to sunset everyday and I feel jealous. I also feel bad because her friend and her friends family used to be my friends too, but now W feels that I shouldnt be included with activities that are with them. I feel left out.

My anger got the best of me and I went over to her friends house and made a little bit of a scene. W got defensive, took me outside and we fought in her car. She cried and told me to leave. She said that I cant control myself, and she can't trust me because everytime I say or do things that give her a little hope, I always mess up the next day. She's right.

I have been thinking about this and I realized that anger is my enemy. I cannot react on anger anymore. I have to stop.

The next few days I did my best to recover from this by being as loving and selfless as possible. I gave her a new computer for xmas and helped her set it up with her own password so that she felt safe that I wouldn't snoop on her anymore. So this present wasn't really a present from her perspective, she saw it as me trying to make up for my past snooping mistakes.

I have been at the house this whole time. Two days ago she got sick, so I have been taking good care of her, making her soup and taking care of the kids so she could rest in bed and recover.

This morning she was feeling better and while we were getting the kids ready for school, I said a few things that I probably shouldn't have, like telling her she was the banks favorite type of person because she runs up her credit card to the max and pays all the interest on it by only paying the minimum balance.
I also said that she has to take some response ability for the past mistakes too, not blame it all on me. She said it wasn't equal and that I did most of it.
I also told her that I wanted to do something special for her birthday (40th) and she didn't want to talk about it.

So, looking back, I see that I made a huge mistake and then a bunch of little ones. I also did a lot of good things too. If I could just stop reacting from anger and stop saying things that upset her, maybe I could make some progress.

I guess my self-awareness is growing, just need to think before I act.

I would love to hear your criticism and suggestions.