Your W is bouncing from man to man. She needs counseling for herself before she's ready to stay M. She's a serial cheater, and the M won't stand a chance unless she realizes she needs help and then sees the therapist on regular sessions. After she makes some progress, the maybe the two of you could get MC.....if she's willing to stay in the M.
Do you think your W is on drugs? I would be very concerned over her leaving her little 3 yr old unattended while she partied. Has anything like that ever happened before or since?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's a very good point Sandi2, and it reminded me of something. Dewayne, you're a dad, why are you living somewhere that you can't be a dad more? What if something happens to W? I would suggest one of your GALs should be to get yourself set up somewhere that you can live, possibly with your daughter.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ok, I said it wrong.. I didn't "Send her out shopping" I asked them if they wanted to go out and do things. They were always at home and they would say from time to time that they were bored. Wanted to get out. I had a hot rod at the time to go cruising but it was down for the moment. SO they went out shopping.
The "We had her wild oats sown" well, that again, just a statement being misread. I didn't treat her like a child until she did this stuff. I took her to work and took the phone from her. It was the only phone and since I was driving all around for the haunt getting things done and she had a phone at work, it really wasn't THAT much of a "grounding" like she called it. I did tell her, "well, if you didn't act like an immature brat sometimes maybe you'd be treated like a wife instead of a child" this was after her statement of me saying I was controlling and treating her like a child. She had already flipped at this point in time.
I love her because of the way she loves me, I love her laugh, I love the way she smiles, I love being held by her, our love languages were pretty solid, but I DID need to do more of attentive stuff and surprise things. I could've done more and could've done LESS angry spells. I'd punch a wall or two and destroyed a door once but usually wasn't at her, I'd be mad at other things.
I have the anger beat. My most obvious signs was road rage. Gone. Caput, none. Absolutely not there anymore.
I have the attentiveness down I think. That's something that, to me is like, once you realize it, and have the pain of knowing it like I do, it's there. I really TRULY WANT to do all the little things for her now. ALl the time. I just have to wait till piecing to get to show it with her I guess.
She is a bit immature NOW. Before this happened, she acted like a real woman. Was gaining "lady like" attributes all the time. See, when we got to gether she was homely. SHe didn't wear make up, didn't get her hair done etc. Never had her nails done. Nothing. I still fell in love with her because well, I loved her. I DO love her. It's not so much as dependancy anymore. I'm detaching more and more each day. Just... gawd I miss her. Miss everything that I took for granted like just her being there while I played games (doing that now, battlefield 3) etc.
Yes, I figure about 3 more weeks is all I got before D is final.
A thing that I did to help was I created a new facebook for her. In her name "real name" and put up a pic of all 3 of us. WHenever I get down and feel like saying something, I post it to that one instead of her facebook. I defriended her and I already put my status to Divorced. (probly shouldn't have but I did one day when I was really down.)
The "pushing" yeah I did that wrong. She instigated the last 2 arguments, the talk (talk really wasn't arguing, just talking) and the txting was on her. Take that back, I initiated the talk, but only meant to ask one question, she hooked me into talking about a few other things, and I bit.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Drugs: No. She got high the first time that night. Said she hated it. I don't know if I said it but she tried to R once and it lasted 1 week. ML on Mond. Tues. she wasn't ready to do it again, tho it was nice and she bragged on it very much. Said "Honey, I didn't even WANT to and you still got me off twice again. It's FINE. I just dn't think I"m ready to jump into it so much so soon" I did push here. By sat. I was back to sleeping in my game room / theater.
Place to stay. I have no other place to stay. Period. My mom has my brother and his family of 3 living with her and it's TIGHT! Small house.
If I HAD to.. and something happened to the wife, I could have my daughter here. It would just need to be an emergency kinda thing. I live with 2 bachelors that sleep at 2 different shifts, when she's up.
She cheated with OM1. That ended and he moved off, she still txts him because she said she worries about him. Said she truly has nothing for him. It was a mistake and she "was sorry"
The boy she's with now she says they hold hands and he's a good friend. However in one of the fb msgs I received she said "he makes me so happy"
Yes, I think she needs help. She's starting to admit it's probably depression and could be a MLC. SO I've shut up from there and she asked me twice now if I was going to wait through this with her. I didn't answer either time.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Gawd I can't put paragraphs together can I? I'm sorry guys I'm so jumpy.
Ok. The homely statement meant to go to this point: She grew up while in our relationship. She grew into a very mature person, but she'd still say goofy things sometimes but other than that acted much more mature than she's doing now. So I guess it "came out"
Anger: I had been very bad before we got married (7 years ago) I calmed down quite a bit but still needed work. When she kicked me out of the house before marriage and slept with the other guy, it was once and she acted very remorseful. But, I called it cheating and TECHNICALLY we were broken up. It's a 50/50 thing, depends on how you look at it? Dunno.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Dewayne, I think it's strange that you created a fake fb page in her name, and that your profile in FB reads divorced when you are actually not. It sounds like you act out of an emotional state and do things that are not very mature or well reasoned. Calling yourself divorced when you're not isn't a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it's a lie. And kind of a pointless one at that. Like fibbing on your age on FB by a few years. I know it's hard to present a full story in this forum where everyone really understands, we just have to go on the words that you use and the things you choose to describe. Based on that little bit, I think you need to take a step back from your W and sort your own laundry.
Who are you really, and who do you want to be? Are you a liar, a faker, one who lashes out and then revises to sound closer to who you think you should be? Take some time for personal growth.
It is easy to say you have attention and anger down pat. Words. What W needs, and what you need to show, is consistent action. I was married for 20 years. You can believe there was attention at first, and then for a little while after any crisis. But over the long haul, when the day to day grind hits, and you're busy, and you get lazy, true colors come out and action speaks louder than words. So work on being consistent and true, and acting like the man you want to be.
It's a shame in our sitches that we can't get our spouses to understand - see! I've changed. I've seen the light and I'm not that person any more. Now come back! You'll read all over the place here, that just doesn't work. You have to be patient, be the best man you can be. Do that for you because she may or may not notice it, and may or may not ever be in a place to come back to you.
You should develop a plan to get your life in order, and start taking steps that way. You're a parent of an almost schoolage child. You need to have a job and a home of your own. Maybe two jobs if you can find work. What's your life plan?
Both of you sound like you really need counseling, individually and if you want to bring the marriage back together then marriage counseling too. You can't make her go, you can't make her change, you can't make her want the same things you want. So focus on you for now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I've been to the dr. I'm clean. Since this all started we only ML that one time on the failed R.
The FB thing, it's because I had been having the urge to tell her things. To me, it's helping. I haven't even looked at her page since doing it. This is so I don't slip, until it stops. I'm writing to it less and less now.
FB Divorce, yeah I did that a while back. I was in a bad emotional place and did it.
I know, I was going to look for work again today but woke up sick, can barely talk now.
I haven't been starting much on R talk.
Changes, yeah I know I need to show them, actions speak louder than words.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Her: Didn't make it. Car wouldn't start and my ride's car overheated. Rescheduled for next week
Me: Jerry's car overheated? (her really good friend now) (ten minutes)
Me: Well if you won't answer can you at least tell me if Jo's at Daycare?
Her: I'm sorry. Was dropping her off. Ya she's at DC and yes Jerry came to get me. SIL had to work and Nephew has the truck and won't be coming back with it.
Me: Were you still wanting to try to do something today or are you planning on being with Jerry all day?
Her: Ya we have to get our checks (work together at her job#1) and he's going to take me to work (She goes in at 2pm this was at 10:08am)
Her: I was thinking we can take Jo to McD's tonight if you want. That went ok last time.
Me: Sure, if that's what you want to do.
Her: I need someone to pick me up and I think it would be fun
Me: I can pick you up but I don't know if I can hold you
Her: You saying I'm fat?!
Me: Absolutely not!
Me: I just don't know if I can hold you...
It's been about a week or so since we tried McD's and a Movie. Movie didn't pan out because we missed the time. We took her home and that's when she was talking very warm to me and messing with my hand. So basically all we did was eat at McD's, she talked to a friend of hers for a bit and we took her home. Spent as much time in the truck talking and her messing with my hand as we did at McD's.
M: 36/W: 28 T 11yrs / M 7yrs /1x 3yo D Sept: W Cheated w/ teen, BDrop. W Beast. Hated me. Oct: 18 (M license)W Asked for D Oct: 31 (Anniverary)W Paid Lawyer Nov1st: Both moved.
Sounds like a good exchange, other than that you are being pushy and inquisitive about Jerry. Cut it out. Who cares who her ride was with? She doesn't want to be with you, that is the main and only point, and from then until she says she does want to be with you (and then you can set boundaries about what that means), ignore her antics and who "makes her happy" and drives her around.
Ignore it and she may get curious and come looking for you. Pay attention to it, ask about it, show that you care about it, and it will drive her further away.
Have you read the 37 rules? Maybe reread them.
Also, do what works. If going to McD's leaves you feeling content and doesn't cause her to back away from you, and doesn't seem to make things worse, then it's probably good. It is definitely good for your daughter.
Glad you're looking for work. My H moved out and I have two teenage boys - they will be learning to shave and drive and date and he is couch surfing at a friend's acting like he isn't a grown man with a job and family. It is disgusting to me. I cannot fathom a man not doing everything he can to provide stability and a safe and wholesome home for his children. So I'm just a little bit biased on that subject right now. But if you want to be attractive to your W or anyone else, take one step at a time and get yourself into an adult lifestyle suitable for parenting a child. If your W pulls stunts like locking a three year old in a room so she can go out, winding up in random naked guys' closets, something bad can happen to your daughter - I don't even want to think about the harm that can come to her. She needs a stable home, and it may end up being with you, please consider that and get yourself ready.
There is a horror story on here of a child molested by a parent's roomie. You have got to think about where she's going to be living and who's coming and going from there.
It is probably overwhelming to be looking for a job, working on yourself, grieving the loss of your wife, and countless issues all at once. I think you're hanging in there very well. If it seems overwhelming try prioritizing and just doing the one best thing at a time. Job interviews sound pretty high on the list. Getting your W back right now, pretty low.
Take care, adinva
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
