Wow, 25yearsmlc, that's a lot to think about. I've re-read your comments many times, gave it a lot of thought. I agree with parts, disagree with others, in between on some, appreciate them all. It's hard to respond without going off in many directions, but I'll try.
I think the springboard for your comments was the robe-opening, so you're saying it's all about the sex for me. That's big, yes, but it's not the whole thing.
Let's look at recent months. One sexual encounter in the past three months and it was initiated by W and didn't involve intercourse. I cut out any advances, any innuendo, any playfulness like robe-opening. No sexuality whatsoever has been part of our joint lives this fall, with the one exception, until I made one innuendo when discussing gift-giving and then the robe-opening.
Yes, the robe thing had often been an initiation when the kids were small, but in recent years it's been rare and usually just involves me having a good look, a big sigh of longing, and that's the end of it. The opportunity isn't there to go any further, as was the case this time. That being said, I do agree my timing was horrendous and I do wish I hadn't done it. It still constitutes pressure. But I do see it as one stumble in what has largely been a hands-off approach (pun intended), this fall in particular, and generally for the last five years at least. I am waiting and I have waited.
The arm in the kitchen incident wasn't foreplay at all. Yes, we've had little touching for years now, but she's been receptive to this kind of hug in recent weeks. I thought she found it comforting. Maybe not. I'm just trying to figure out what she wants.
Yes, the SSM has been my focus for a long time. This fall, I've come to realize there's emotional gaps that might even be more important for me. My little poem didn't mention sex directly, although it is one aspect of touch. Touch, talk, time is what I mentioned. It's been a struggle to understand that her lack of interest in these things this fall is not rejection of me, but a coping mechanism. My gut reaction is to take it as rejection. Intellectually, I can see that she craves routine, and if our relationship routine has not involved talk, touch, time, then she doesn't want to tackle that now.
It takes awhile for the emotions to jump on board the intellectual train, so I'll probably still have a few lapses like the one I was having when I wrote the post you responded to. But I think I've been doing a half-decent job of giving her space. Certainly not as demanding as you conclude.
I'm fine with working on our relationship after the grieving settles down. I understand that. Doesn't mean it still isn't difficult to keep it to myself. That's why I'm on this board - I want to talk about it with someone and I know I can't talk about it with W right now. Again, I'm trying to give her space.
As for my timing, is it always a choice? Crises have a way of ripping the lids off cans that've been sitting quietly on the shelf during normal times. That's why crises are often major turning points - they bring things to a head. In our case, the escalating medical crisis with Grandma led to W's increased smoking and my efforts at support led to her revelation about the smoking, which rocked my world and exposed our entire relationship to a big re-evaluation.
My role in caring for the sick child and with chores in general is a subject W and I will get into down the road. She definitely carries the bigger load, but I'm far from absent. I do my share. Is she resentful? I don't know. Possibly it's been quietly building all these years just like it has for me over the SSM. I've started picking up more tasks, and I'm willing to do more.
I should clarify about the sick child. He's an average kid to look at him. But he's got an immune disorder that places him at high risk of contracting an infection that could potentially kill him within days. He's never required a high degree of day-to-day care, but it's been a long slog through the medical system. It took several years of one medical visit and test after another before a proper diagnosis was made, which was close to two years ago now. He's been improving with his treatment plan over the past 18 months, but still has a ways to go. He's at a much lower risk and outlook is good for full recovery.
The stress came from not knowing, from struggling through the medical system, from the high risk, from seeing him miss out on large chunks of childhood (missed months of school per year, couldn't enroll in sports or arts, restricted playdates). W postponed her career to stay home with him and usher him through the medical system. She researched everything, stayed on top of the doctors, taught them things - it was a full-time job, much less so since his treatment began.
