Thank you all for such kind words and support. Journaling... Ironic that most of you, and a few people I know in real life, have not condoned my outburst, yet are framing in a positive way that at least I got it all out (for now). As far as things I said to W, pretty much verbally attacked her because of OM and just about every aspect of her as a person. Part of the convo where she is "done," she still stands by it not being an A. Oh well, that's not all the important at this point. I'm in a rather somber mood. I went to bed early. Kept waking up throughout the night / early morning. W did ask if I was okay in the SI sense before she went to bed. She must have came back to check on me, as I fell asleep with a book on my chest and the lights on. They were turned off. She was clearly distant last night / civil at best (understandable), and was civil before leaving for work. A few "nice" gesture here and there.
How / where do I go from here? I truly am sorry for what I said and how I acted. I do not want to walk in shame, yet still have lots of guilt and embarrassment for berating her (not to mention the huge setback / sealing the deal for a D). THe SILS are watching S2 today. I genuinely apologized to them. Should I "Act as If"? I don't want to seem disengenuinenss? Do I need to go dim again? My stomach has the horrible empty feeling of being back at square 1. I'm trying to listen to it to see what it says. Lots of sorrow, self anger / resentment, I do think I finally get her "terrified" comments. Where / how to begin TRULY working on that. Struggling with the self-forgiveness (as evidenced by all the guilt I'm holding on to).
Any additional guidance / words of wisdom to help me get back on the saddle again would be GREATLY appreciated.
