Tori, always remember that you have worth and deserve to be treated as such. You are a wonderful creature from God and he will always have your back. I'm thinking about you and wishing you the best. Keep up the hard work of improving yourself. I am proud of you!!!!!
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Good answers, I think, to your H. I know you are sad and hurt, but you seem a little stronger too, as if when you finally allowed the feelings and D to be addressed fully that it was that last little bit that allowed you to move a bit further.
At least you know what his thoughts are, my h is probably thinking the same but won't tell me where he's at. He left a year ago but still comes over every day,would like to know why.maybe it's just to keep me from d ing him as he would stand to lose a bundle and it would be way too complicated. I see from your comments it is giving me false hope,that he really doesn't want to be here at all. I asked him if he was having sex with anyone and he said no ,which I'm sure is a lie,can't see him going that long without sex.he gives me a big hug and kiss every time he leaves which is why I am hopeful,just don't know why he won't come back.
S&A I just saw your post. I hear you. Maybe your H also doesn't want to let go completely. The problem is that us, LBS's, are left in limbo and can't move on with our lives. Have you been DBing for a year? Are you getting out and doing stuff for yourself?
Subguy and Ruby, thank you, as always, for being there for me :-) Thank you for being proud of me and reminding me I'm not alone.
I am the only one who allows my H's actions get to me like this. Now I know him so much better and what is going through his mind.
One important thing for all of us to realize is that assuming someone would or would not behave a certain way bc we would or would not do the same is a mistake. For example, I would've never gone and tried to make out with my H if I was clear I wanted a D. I would've never asked him to spend all this time with me. I would've never dated anyone while my S was still thinking we were just separated and had hopes to save our M. But my H is not me. I learned that the hard way. And somehow I still tend to forget the lesson...
One important thing for all of us to realize is that assuming someone would or would not behave a certain way bc we would or would not do the same is a mistake.
I was going to write something very similar, Tori. Our way is not the only way or the right way, it is just our way.
My question to you: Is continuing the interaction with H at "level 3" good for you? Is it helping you? Does it keep your focus on you? Can you do it without expectations?
What is best for Tori?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You've asked this question before, and it always makes me think. It's true that this level 3 friendship isn't good for me. I really have no clue how he can do it. How he can be so void of feeling/detachment. I'm almost certain that once he's in a new R, he will just throw the friendship with me out the window. Until he breaks up with the woman, when he will contact me again. I think once the D is final, I will dial it down to "level 2"--check in to say happy birthday or merry Christmas and see him for taxes, house sale, and other administrative stuff. I know it'll be hard for me, but I need to do it.
I made the mistake to check his FB page. He changed his status to single. Let's say I don't have any warm and loving thoughts for my H at the moment.
Tori, I so know you're feeling of being back to square 1. I threw myself back there versus you taking a chance with your H. It's good to know that you are aware of "dialing down" the levels of friendship. No need for you to have "warm and loving thoughts" toward him now.
[bold]One important thing for all of us to realize is that assuming someone would or would not behave a certain way bc we would or would not do the same is a mistake[/bold] This should be a golden rule stickied somewhere. If not a daily mantra for each of us.
You said we LBS are in limbo & can't move on w our lives. First of all this is a conscious choice. secondly, we NEED to move on w our lives no matter what WAS does/doesn't do. NO EXPECTATIONS.
I have decided to "act as if" I am moving on w my life WITHOUT my H. I don't want to. I hope not to, but I NEED TO for ME. And, so do any of us who have WAS's. It means assume he's not going to come back. Live your life for you and you only (esp since there are no children involved).
What makes YOU feel good/happy? What NEW interest/hobby (or old) can you involve yourself in?
I feel for you so much & can really relate to where you are. Be strong but I think it's time to make detaching a priority.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thank you, TGirl and Andrew. I've had such a hard time today. I'm back to feeling nothing really matters. Like I can't wait till my life is finally over. I know, sad. The feeling will go away but it's there today. It has happened before and I know it will go away--I hope it goes away sooner than later!
I am trying to put things in perspective. From my H's perspective, nothing really different has happened since he filed in Sept. Only that he got to spend some time with me (his "ex" already in his mind,) and got the comfort he needed when he would have otherwise been alone. What did I get? a huge step back in my personal progress. I don't feel confident anymore, and lost the sense that I was ready for good things to happen in my life. I feel used. And I really don't feel like seeing his relatives in CA. An entire day of my vacation will be spent driving to meet his mom and step father. For what? I hate sitting for long periods of time. Do I want to see these people? Yes. I do love them. But being with them will be a constant reminder of my H. This trip might be a mistake. If I back out now, though, the R will them will be severely damaged. They'll say, "Oh, H was right about Tori." I want to prove my H was wrong and exaggerated what was "wrong" with me. So I guess I'm going.
Tori, I know it’s hard to see now, but good things are and WILL continue to happen in your life.
Definitely go to see your in-laws. You may be surprised to find how glad you will be that you did afterwards. You said yourself that you love them, and I’m sure there is still love there for you!
Please try not to feel used. You put a lot of effort into DB, and have made yourself a better person. You should be proud of yourself. You are the prize, and I'm proud of you!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
