So, do I leave X1 out of this? As I admitted in a previous post, I know that wanting to go back and express some sort of sorrow on how I handled things had a lot to do with my needs. But I also know that it may provide some solace to her. Or it may just trigger memories of emotional hurt. This is probably not the best time for me to be making a decision that will affect someone else...
I can tell you this: Don't do something just to make yourself feel better.
Further, on what is responsible behaviour: Everything you do or do not, has both positive and negative connotations.
There is no right and no wrong...
So your only consideration is: where is the greatest value?
That is a tough question and really has no quantifiable answer.
I think the best that I can offer is... you may want to reconnect with X1 first, if she is willing. Being respectful of her and anyone else in her life.
I am going to qualify what I wrote above by giving you my own examples:
I have reconnected with a number of girls that I once had relationships with. Some re-connections have gone "better" than others. In many cases, those re-connections have come from them to me. I was open to it and it turned out good. In the one case where I attempted to reconnect with another, the attempts (two) have been "black holed". ie. No response. Not much I can do about it, but I made the attempts.
Of the re-connects that have occurred in my life, I was 100% respectful of any R they may have been in. In at least two cases, re-connects occurred while they were with someone (I was single) and it was obvious it was an attempt to emotionally (or physically) engage me, which I respectfully refuted.
It can be done successfully and respectfully. Just be clear in yourself what your intentions are.
"Dear X1, I hope this finds you well. I am writing to follow through on something I have wanted to do for some time and that is to apologize for what I did and the grief that caused you. As I'm sure you know, you did not deserve it.
I understand that nothing I say can make up for my actions at the time and I am not seeking redemption. I simply want to say sorry."
Why is this happening to me now? X1 has not been on my mind in any real way for over 5 years. And for some reason I took a look at her Facebook page today. Obviously she un-friended me many years ago so I can't see any of her posts. I assume I am doing this because of the shift I have been going through - a re-analysis of my life. I'm almost 40, have not been outside a relationship since I was 20, and have only had 2 women in that time, married to both. They both are a huge part of me.
What is it about being in love that allows one to be neutralized not only to others pain, but to the pain they would themselves be under as well if not for the love for someone else being in the way?
Does that neutralization that love affords you somehow taint it?
On the second bit, what you talk about regarding love and a "neutralizing" effect might best be described as bonding. The most generally ascribed condition of bonding is to bring others inside our circle of self.
What that means is, when we get into that love/bond with another (which can be more than one, when it is spouse, children, etc.), they become part of our personal survival condition.
Read up on bonding to understand more.
Regarding the "why me / why now"?
Read up on life transitions. This is slightly broader in scope than standard transitions from childhood to adulthood or retirement and transition into a care home.
People go through many life transitions with the typical range of a "stage" being 7 to 10 years. Earlier in life, there is baby to toddler to pre-school to child to pre-teen and teen and then adulthood (I've missed or renamed some, I'm sure). After that, some people go through transitions on decades (ie. turning 30, 40, etc), others may transition on half decades, and some just transition on major life events.
That said, some transitions can take on crises proportions. Others are mild and are simply an examination of where we might be in our life, in relation to where we might have hoped to be, and we adjust accordingly (either our thoughts and expectations to accept where we are, or our path to get us where we want to be).
Why it is for you... well, those answers are inside you. Or as we like to say in my circle, "Someone you know has those answers."
Your mission... if you so choose it... is to manage this transition in a reflective, positive, and growth oriented way.
They are never really easy. Although sometimes the choices and path seem easier than at other times.
This is always a good time to be focused on self care. How ever that may look. And being in a responsible and respectful manner.
