I felt on the fence about doing it, like if I handed the idea out to a jury of my peers that they would have different ideas on what to say or whether to say anything. But I decided to go out on a limb and trust the legitimacy of my feelings.
It was bothering me how none of H's 3 siblings has said anything to me in any way meaningful or caring. I thought they might as they heard about us, or that they might give me an extra big hug at the Christmas party, or maybe just a look in the eyes, or "how are you doing?"
I didn't expect them to, and Lord knows I didn't say anything either. It was like I've been riding a bus with these people for 20 years. They're nice to chat with and there's nothing more.
It seemed like there was more, or at least I had hoped to cultivate more, and over the years maybe it just really was nothing more than fellow busriders.
I thought the only honest person that day was S14 because he faked illness and stayed home. lol
I talked to other people about my expectations or lack of them, my disappointment and/or understanding, and how uncomfortable this is and how people don't know what to say. Blech.
I remembered my sister's husband, who knew me from middle school up to marriage and kids, and after she called me long distance to say that they were divorcing I never saw or spoke to him again for the next dozen years. I said hello at their daughter's wedding this past summer. Just hello. It was my fault as much as his, and neither of us may have ever known what to say, but he's pretty much not in my life anymore for whatever that's worth.
I just don't want it to be my fault this time. If it's uncomfortable and people don't know what to say, maybe I can step forward a little. So here's what I said:
subject = Thanks for hosting, etc. Hi [sil]: Thanks for hosting the Christmas party on Sunday. It was as usual a warm and welcoming event. I always love being at your house.
It might have been weird and awkward being the first holiday going through divorce, so it didn't surprise me much that no one said anything at all about it. I hope over time we get to have a close relationship and can talk about stuff, but I know it is uncomfortable for everyone at first.
When my sister's marriage ended, her husband who had been like a big brother to me, vanished from my life. I don't want that to happen to me and you. Just wanted to reach out and let you know that.
Love, Audrey
So, yeah. I decided to share my messy feelings. There is an element of blame there, yeah. I tried to tone it down a little bit but I really was hurt that she knows my marriage is breaking up and I'm single parenting teenagers, and her kids just a little older she knows that's not a cakewalk. And she acted like she didn't care in the guise of having a completely blemish free holiday get-together. And hasn't reached out before or since.
But more than that, it was just to open the door, to admit it's weird and to hope that we can get past it and be a little real.
We will see. Maybe she will, and I'll have the relationship I'm hoping for, or maybe she won't and she'll be the chick I see on the bus a couple of times a year. I wouldn't know if I didn't try.
Depending on how that goes, I might call up the other SIL for coffee.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Do you think that H's moving out has made all the difference in the world for you being where you are? It has only been a month (less than) since your H moved out yet you seem to be in such a good place so quickly. (Well, I realize your whole sitch has NOT been quick at all, but I mean this phase of it.
I soooooooo understand a lot of what you said in your last post. I have some of the exact same thoughts. H left emotionally a long time a go, it just took longer for him to leave physically.
"Sad to think I cannot teach him that my life partnership changed, my future as I had grown to love and want it died, my financial security disappeared, my kids' dad walked out. My BEING as a wife died. And I would give up all the stuff just to have his emotional attachment back."
Stuff is just stuff. I would also give anything to have H back emotionally.
Just b/c you are doing okay does NOT mean you were/are okay that your M broke up...in fact that is the very reason you came HERE. You've shown that didn't want this b/c you fought for your M (& still probably would if H were to see the light of day).
I think you are exactly right when you said that this experience makes you rethink your purpose in life. It is amazing what this experience really makes you reflect upon.
Thanks for your awesome insight.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
H moving out has made a big difference for me; it was kind of a linchpin. I don't think it would have been better if it happened earlier, and I couldn't stand for it to have happened later, so I think it just happened when it needed to.
I am not a good pretender. When I said before that I was happy and content in my marriage, I really thought I was, even though I saw my stuff getting broken and my H disrespecting me and the kids, and constant nitpicking. I was the frog in hot water and I never wavered from my principle that married people stick together.
To go for an entire year with h telling me he didn't love me, didn't like much about me, and planned to move out and planned to get a divorce, and was only staying in the house to protect himself from a claim of abandonment of property, that was painful. I plastered on a smile and I pretended and smoothed things over, and doing that called into question for me why I had done that for so much of the past decade too.
I think there's an element of tolerating and accommodating that a healthy relationship has to include, and I'm not saying it's healthier to air your dirty laundry at every chance. But I was kidding myself for so long I didn't even really know I was kidding myself, and now that I'm not, it seems very false to pretend.
I had a very hard time with emotions based on my personality and upbringing, to the point where I really didn't even know what they were, and thought that even if I did know they didn't matter anyway. This whole event has changed that for me, and I don't see the value in going back toward that.
I feel like I'm no longer a bit player in my own life. I have my own legitimate feelings, opinions, and wishes, and I think it's real to share them where it's appropriate. (It's the learning where it's appropriate part that I am currently working on.)
I think about my life and right now I'm glad my H dropped the bomb and eventually moved out because I would have gone another 20 years suffering and plastering a smile on and riding the bus with these people who are my closest family. Not doing that any more.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
More than one relationship book I've read has suggested that if you really want to be happy in marriage, you have to adopt a policy of "radical honesty", for both of your benefits. Your comments above are validating that prescription.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
It sounds extreme. I believe there's a degree of truth in it but there needs to be some moderation. You must have quite a library Acc. happy new year and thanks for reading my new thread!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You're sounding very different. I know this is painful and things will continue to come up, but the clearer you can be about who you want to be, the easier it becomes.
For me it helps to keep that image in my mind and to continue to turn everything on it's head and look at it in a new way, to drop my expectations and examine my feelings, my motives. Many of us have filled in the empty spaces in our R for so long that to stop doing that seems impossible. But letting them (whoever "them" is, Ss, children, friends, co-workers) go and allowing them to be who they are is very freeing for everyone.
It's a luxury to stop and think, to not always have to have the right answer, or any answer, to allow things to unfold, to drop the judgement, to just sit back and say "hmmmmmmm." I've learned that there is a lot of room for living between black and white.
And I continue to ask myself, is what I'm doing, feeling, saying getting me closer to who I want to be?
I'm happy for you, Ad.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks Bug. I'm always terrified that I didn't really change. It's nice to be validated. I worry that instead of shedding an old skin and evolving, I painted over the old skin with pretty words. Hopefully with enough time I'll really know I'm different and stop worrying about it. If I didn't get something out of all this, it was a waste, and I hate waste.
So, I heard back from my email to SIL:
Hi [adinva],
I figured it would only be awkward if people allowed it to be. You are always welcome here. I am always here for you if you want to talk. We can go out to dinner or something for more privacy. The guys are not good with stuff like that. Just so you know, [h] has said nothing to me....which is not surprising.
Thank you for reaching out to me. You are divorcing [h], not me.
Love you lots.
========
that was nice. I'll call her up and we'll go for coffee and rebuild something.
That "you are divorcing [h]" comment grated. I've stopped myself a few times from writing back to correct the record. That's the second SIL who has made an assumption that I left H. I'm sensitive about that. What I'm trying to do is to see that in the future it really won't be relevant anymore who left who and who did wrong. I want to take the shortcut to that future (thinking of that old kids' game Chutes & Ladders) and am telling myself to try acting like it doesn't matter RIGHT NOW.
My mantra today is "in the future this will not matter."
I'd like the accolades for being such a great spouse, who worked so hard, unilaterally, to save the marriage and to do right by the kids, and who worked so hard, unilaterally, to understand and feel compassion for the brother in pain who couldn't deal with this life anymore, and who stayed silent instead of saying HE LEFT ME HE LEFT ME WHY DON'T YOU NOTICE THAT HE LEFT ME?!?!?!
But as hyperventilated as I got about the free airplane tickets from WYNDHAMSUCKS that got snatched back because I'm separated, by the next day I was fine and laughing at the irony of it. As hyperventilated as I felt reading that line from my well intentioned SIL I know in a little while it's not going to be a big deal to me anymore either. I'll just wait a little while then.
My psych friend told me she believes one day far in the future I'm going to want to buy my H a big bouquet of flowers to thank him for divorcing me. That makes me smile to think of that future.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
It's also possible that she's fully aware that your H is the one making the decision, and it was just a shortcut in conversation that means absolutely nothing. She actually sounded quite warm and welcoming.
Beside, wouldn't it be great, even if she thought you were D'g H, that she thought it simply because "she figured?" Just like kids, people in general see more than they say.
