New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

So I wrote my sister in law an email.

I felt on the fence about doing it, like if I handed the idea out to a jury of my peers that they would have different ideas on what to say or whether to say anything. But I decided to go out on a limb and trust the legitimacy of my feelings.

It was bothering me how none of H's 3 siblings has said anything to me in any way meaningful or caring. I thought they might as they heard about us, or that they might give me an extra big hug at the Christmas party, or maybe just a look in the eyes, or "how are you doing?"

I didn't expect them to, and Lord knows I didn't say anything either. It was like I've been riding a bus with these people for 20 years. They're nice to chat with and there's nothing more.

It seemed like there was more, or at least I had hoped to cultivate more, and over the years maybe it just really was nothing more than fellow busriders.

I thought the only honest person that day was S14 because he faked illness and stayed home. lol

I talked to other people about my expectations or lack of them, my disappointment and/or understanding, and how uncomfortable this is and how people don't know what to say. Blech.

I remembered my sister's husband, who knew me from middle school up to marriage and kids, and after she called me long distance to say that they were divorcing I never saw or spoke to him again for the next dozen years. I said hello at their daughter's wedding this past summer. Just hello. It was my fault as much as his, and neither of us may have ever known what to say, but he's pretty much not in my life anymore for whatever that's worth.

I just don't want it to be my fault this time. If it's uncomfortable and people don't know what to say, maybe I can step forward a little. So here's what I said:

subject = Thanks for hosting, etc.
Hi [sil]: Thanks for hosting the Christmas party on Sunday. It was as usual a warm and welcoming event. I always love being at your house.

It might have been weird and awkward being the first holiday going through divorce, so it didn't surprise me much that no one said anything at all about it. I hope over time we get to have a close relationship and can talk about stuff, but I know it is uncomfortable for everyone at first.

When my sister's marriage ended, her husband who had been like a big brother to me, vanished from my life. I don't want that to happen to me and you. Just wanted to reach out and let you know that.

Love,
Audrey



So, yeah. I decided to share my messy feelings. There is an element of blame there, yeah. I tried to tone it down a little bit but I really was hurt that she knows my marriage is breaking up and I'm single parenting teenagers, and her kids just a little older she knows that's not a cakewalk. And she acted like she didn't care in the guise of having a completely blemish free holiday get-together. And hasn't reached out before or since.

But more than that, it was just to open the door, to admit it's weird and to hope that we can get past it and be a little real.

We will see. Maybe she will, and I'll have the relationship I'm hoping for, or maybe she won't and she'll be the chick I see on the bus a couple of times a year. I wouldn't know if I didn't try.

Depending on how that goes, I might call up the other SIL for coffee.