4311, please take a moment to process that and don't beat yourself up over it.
Remember... it is very, very human. We all do it. I did it in a way similar to you, although thankfully I had tools and knowledge along the way to understand that I did that. I still repeated the pattern, but I could act on that knowledge. I still needed to protect myself, even though I knew it was potentially harmful.
I am much more vulnerable now than I was 5 years ago, and then I was 15 years ago. It is a life long process to be able to keep being vulnerable, even when it really hurts...
Which brings me back to your M1.
Did you ever feel deep and painful loss over loosing M1?
