Thank you very much, Tori and Andrew. Your words really helped. It's amazing how I can feel myself derailing and then reading your posts gets me back on track.
H is going out for his drink tonight. I feel uneasy about it (as I always do) but I will manage myself. He got a bit impatient with me when he said he was meeting his friend at 6 and I asked, "Will you be back for supper?" He said, "God, why is it always so complicated?" and he left the room in a bit of a huff. Obviously, he wans't planning to be back for supper. Later he apologised and said he was meeting his friend at 8 after all, so we could eat together first. H is always telling me how this friend has nothing good to say about his W and that he barely tolerates her. I hate to think of the two of them having a b*tch session about their controlling wives.
D15 and I went for a walk in the sunshine today. I was just thinking to myself that it would be so nice if H would want to do that with me. I used to initiate it but he refused so many times that I stopped asking him. As D15 and I got home, H was heading out. He said he thought he'd look for me. D15 went home and he and I carried on a bit. We had a nice little walk. I tried not to initiate too much convo. There can be quite a few silent times if I don't initiate. It feels a bit strained but we did have a bit of a jokey time about me ordering an HP printer. He thinks it's not the best choice and said that he was fine with it though as long as he can tell me he told me so when it goes wrong. It was light-hearted.
He came up for a midnight hug last night. He smiled genuinely this morning when he wished me Happy New Year. There are a few positives. It's his bday tomorrow so I'll try to make a bit of a fuss.
My resolution is to keep on the DB path!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
H does exercise but his diet is his undoing, so despite being strong he has a bit of a belly. He's also soft on himself in that he'll quite happily not exercise because of what I perceive as lame excuses. I try to stay out of that now.
H is out and has been for nearly 3 hours now. I'm not sure I believe he was with his friend. Maybe he was...
He's just come back as I'm writing this! I can hear him and D15 talking downstairs. He doesn't sound too loud so maybe he didn't have too much to drink. Or maybe he's not talking loudly because I mentioned that I could tell that he's been drinking by the volume of his voice.
I hate when he's out and I hate when he drinks... Just heard D15 ask him which pub he went to. I'd never be able to ask that sort of question without sounding really uptight and he'd respond in a really uptight way too. He just responded to D15 straightforwardly.
Tomorrow, we're having my sister's family over for supper because my nephew has his birthday tomorrow as well. Then Thursday night I'm taking H out to our favourite restaurant. Friday we're going away for a long weekend as a family and staying in a rented house by the sea. We've done this for the past few years. It's the only family holiday we go on and H and the kids have been saying that they're looking forward to it.
I often get fed up with H because he just sleeps on these holidays. This time I'm just expecting him to sleep a lot. There is no internet at these houses so I think he's in internet withdrawal when we're away. I won't expect him to be full of energy.
DBing takes lots of concentration. My thinking can quite easily take me down other paths (wanting to find out whether or not he was with his friend, thinking of how I'd word an ultimatum...)
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendy, I think things seem to be going well for you. H is out looking for you to walk, he came up for a hug. If any of these things happened in my sitch, it would be amazing. These are really great signs.
I know you are endlessly frustrated with your H but you seem to be more and more accepting of it - which I think is the only for you to stay in this M. Choose to accept.
You are a great DB'er Wendy!! Have fun tomorrow night and this weekend!
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
I often get fed up with H because he just sleeps on these holidays. This time I'm just expecting him to sleep a lot. There is no internet at these houses so I think he's in internet withdrawal when we're away. I won't expect him to be full of energy.
So, go with no expectation from H at all. Or expect his behaviour to remain the same and then enjoy yourself and the babies. He will be present ,but don't let his lack of presence emotionally and mentally affect you. Think, distant cousin, you are friendly and polite, but don't really care what he does because ultimately it won't affect you.
Easier said than done for sure, but why don't you afford yourself some happiness?
Wendylon, maybe this year the trip can be different. Think of creative ways to engage your H so he's not sleeping all the time. Does he like board games? Walks would be good too. The fact he said he's looking forward to the trip is good.
I hope the dinner/holiday with the family be a positive experience for you all.
Hey Wendy. Just to commiserate and make you laugh, my H bought ice cream sandwiches (6 of em) on Sunday and today I pulled the empty boxes out of the freezer, not to mention the empty bag of pretzels, the empty cracker box and the empty granola bar box. Plus I always have to rearrange the dishwasher because he literally throws the plates and glasses in there. My next man needs to be way more anal retentive.
Have a great time on your trip. I hope he doesn't sleep more than you would like!
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thank you very much, Regretful, Tori and Rubytuesday.
I like the thought of treating H like a distant cousin! Thank you Tori for suggestions for the holiday. Thank you, Regretful, for telling me ab your H's shenanigans. Our Hs are uncannily similar. I don't know though ab finding an retentive anal man . I bet there are some undesirable qualities that go along with that trait!
Last night went v well. I'm going to try DBing throughout supper tonight out and on the family weekend away.
Turns out H did have drinks with his friend the other night and he reported thar they both think that their wives have changed! It appears that we've both stopped 'being on their cases'. He was trying to figure out when the change happened with me. I know it was Aug 14 when I decided I'd either have to S or DB and detach like crazy. H thinks it may be in the last year or two!!! It's so funny how he's rewritten history. We had a terrible year culminating in the fiasco the night before my birthday when he took POW to the theatre (after lying about it) on 13 Aug.
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Later:
We had a v pleasant time at dinner--no tense or awkward moments. He leaned over to kiss me on the lips after opening my card and then as we left the restaurant he kissed me on the lips again and said how lucky he was to be with me. So not a bad evening.
We have a new printer that is sitting in our front hall. I'm not asking when he'll set it up. (He's the IT person in our household.) I also haven't brought up the question of ££. Still none from him in joint account for Jan (as I expected). There is no point me bringing it up though. I can carry us for a bit financially and he will get the loan sorted out at some point and he'll catch up. Normally, as a point of principle, I would have mentioned it.
Since we've got home, he's retreated to his cave/study.
I may not be able to post much from our time away. Hope everyone here has a good DBing weekend!
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
