I think part of my problem all along has been that if I'm doing Ok then breaking up our marriage was ok. Surviving it is like tacitly approving it. I wanted to hurt and cry and rail against this to show [who?] that I really didn't want it. Guess what, no one really important is looking. No one who's judging matters. I'm still struggling with this. But no one seems to be giving out prizes for not surviving.
Ruby you brought over one of my favorite thoughts from my last thread, thanks for doing that. I'm pretty sure a lot of girls in our generation were brought up to think what they do is their value. What am I worth if I fail? Who is measuring my worth, me, my parents, my neighbors, God? This experience tore down some of my purpose in life and made me rethink it.
And Ruby, you also spoke some of my mind about "nothing changing." I look at all my pots and pans and Christmas ornaments and wonder if I should be offering half to H, if he even wants it. And thinking, boy, he is getting the short end of the stick. He left all this stuff. I feel like he IS thinking that, that I have the house and the kids and the stuff and he just took his clothes and his paycheck and left. Nothing changed!
Sad to think I cannot teach him that my life partnership changed, my future as I had grown to love and want it died, my financial security disappeared, my kids' dad walked out. My BEING as a wife died. And I would give up all the stuff just to have his emotional attachment back.
But I haven't had it for a long time anyway.
Sometimes you gotta just shrug and say yup. Far as you think.
And share your thoughts and feelings with someone who can understand them.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
